Personal Attendants

I've been one and I have one. I WANTED to help my friend. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid, but I got shy about it so told her I'd be the personal attendant. I kept the wedding going how SHE wanted it to (there were a lot of strong personalities).

I have a different friend being my PA/DOC because she's super organized and I wanted her to be involved (FH and I are only having our sibs in the bridal party). I did offer to hire a DOC after I found out how much work it is because I want her to enjoy the day, but she wants to do it.

PS - I'm in Minnesota.

I can see where you ladies could find it offensive. But when I was a PA for my friend it wasn't as demanding as that blog made it sound lol. I helped keep the bridal party on track with the timeline, and helped where needed. Doing those things helps the bride not stress on that special day. And of course I want to help my friend enjoy her day. So that's how I look at it

But if they are your friends shouldn't they be enjoying the wedding? It's one thing if someone offers to help out - like MissGeek said - but the idea of asking someone to fill that role. Yeah, I don't like it.

I'm not saying they are slaves or employees - but it just seems like a very strange thing. Particularly as from what I read in the blog its nothing that your BMs aren't likely to be doing anyway - fluffing the dress etc, helping bustle the dress.

No matter how nicely you put it - if you are asking them to be your personal attendants you're asking them to 'work' the wedding. I can't imagine asking a friend to do that.

Now if they offer - totally different ball game.

Maybe it's cultural? Or it sort of sounds like something from a different generation that you would read in a wedding etiquette book or like Downton Abbey

Or maybe something that came from the "Old World" (for example, my family celebrates New Years by polishing our shoes and putting them out for "Mr. New Years" to put candy in when I was little I thought everyone knew who "Mr. New Years" was but turns out it was a tradition that my mom's family in the Appalachia did... I've only met one other person who does this tradition).

I've never heard of it, but that doesn't mean it's not tradition for some families or regions. If you want to have PAs and you know the people you're asking know what it is and are okay with it, go for it!

I'm not going to do it, but that's my not my tradition. Do what you want for your wedding. You know your friends/family better than us

That's like saying if the bridesmaids are helping her do those things they didn't get to enjoy the wedding. I still enjoyed my friends wedding and it made me happy to I helped it go smoothly

Idk I could see how its offensive, yet I could see how my one organized friend would be literally OBSESSED with doing this, and if she knew it was such a duty she'd ask if she could be. I'd say it's some girls personalities, and it's not like a bitch duty, its just a role for a girl with a certain type of personality

I personally think it's offensive to ask someone to do this. You shouldn't "honor" someone by giving them duties. If you wanted them a part if your day you could have asked them to be a BM or do a reading or just to get ready for you. If you needed someone to keep you organized hire a DOC.

I'm from Michigan and currently live in Nebraska and do not know anyone who had one or ever was one. So it is NOT a Midwest thing.

Idk if i was offended i'd tell my friend no.. the fact there are personal attendants and have been for many years shows that although it may offend some people, it does not offend all people OP so know your girls

I don't think this is offensive but I probably wouldn't call them Personal Attendants. I will call them wedding planner/helper or Day of assistant? I just think the name is kind of off-putting. I don't think it is offensive asking someone to be a part of your bridal party and not "stand with me". Some people love to work behind the scenes and not be in the public eye so I think it is really based off who it is. If you know them well enough to ask them to be your personal attendant, I would think you would know if they would appreciate it or not.

And that's another way to put it @promike. Helping behind the scenes. Your usually even honored in the program even. It's a day to help the bride who is a good friend

Athena and Trisha, a lot of my family is from rural Minnesota and all of them have had personal attendants, that being said I think you gals are totally right that the internet doesn't really define it how most brides who actually have them would.

From my experience with my family, really the only defined thing that a personal attendant would be helping me with is helping get everything in place (veil, train, making sure I don't have anything in my teeth) before walking down the isle.

My mom was a PA with a lot of her girl friends back in the day because 1. She wanted to help out 2. Was kind of over all that being a bridesmaid entails.

The name is so off putting (probably why I haven't asked mine yet), but I think why people unfamiliar see it as an issue is because they don't have people that are willing and offering to contribute in that way to begin with. My brother's fiance who is the sweetest girl ever pretty much offered to do just that for me. I think originally the name was meant to be an honor for the friends and family who want/offer to participate that way and has in today's society adapted a negative connotation.

Wowsers. I learn something every day. Not only have I never seen this, I've never heard of it. Why on earth? Personal attendant? Sounds like a Cinderella thing. There is no honor in getting lunch or adjusting bras.

I find it offensive honestly. You might not. That's what makes horse races.

Never heard of this specific title for it, but I do know some girls who LOVE helping out with wedding stuff (even when not BMs), and have volunteered to help me out -- I'm sure it's typical to have particularly helpful friends on your wedding day, but the name "personal attendant" seriously rubs me the wrong way. Several people helping out in a couple little ways is perfect, but I won't allow any one person to be tied up doing my bidding all day. It sounds so antiquated.

Celia, I think the thing that most people don't understand is (now may not be true for everyone) the people I know who have been PAs WANTED to be and are happy to be. If someone was happy to do something and fill that role would that be offensive?

I think the social norms, intention of the Bride, and the relationship they have with who they are asking/volunteered is what's key to how this is perceived. I guess I am fortunate to have friends and family that want to help and be a part of it anyway they can without a title having to go with it or really caring about what the title is.

Trisha I doubt you are asking your friends to do anything they aren't already offering and I doubt your giving them a list of things they want to do, if a bride was doing that then I agree that is offensive, but I don't think this is the case.

Honestly, I think the most offensive thing is having a bridal party or anyone for that matter being involved to any degree and expecting them to do a lot or be mad if they don't or can't do something.

Why would anyone want to be? I'm sorry, I don't get it. The title itself smacks of servitude; maybe that 's why I don't like it.

I wasn't really accurate when I said I'd never heard of them; I have, but they are paid staff provided by our banquet halls.

The thing is - I have a lot of people wanting to help with this stuff - but I would never want to ask them to fill that 'role'.

My mum will be with me until the last minute helping me get ready, getting me into my dress etc.

My MOH has already volunteered to run interference with a family member who I know will drive me nuts on the day.

My brother has already offered to make sure the groom and groomsmen are all on time and let me know if they have any problems.

And so on. So it's not a case of not having people wanting to help out in that way - it's the idea of it being an 'honour' for someone to run around doing things for you all day, without the actual honour of being included in the bridal party is just strange to me.

Perhaps it is a regional thing... I'm not sure why it bothers me so much, it just does...

Celia, because they want to be a part of the day with out all the other obligations, it is not as if the bride is forcing them to do things for them (if they are then I think this is a misuse of the relationship). Honestly most of the PAs I know were either a bridesmaids many times over, or were older like an Aunt. They wanted to be close and help the bride on the big day but like Promike said from behind the scenes. It may seem crazy to you but a lot of us (myself included) actually like that, and still consider it an honor to do for someone you love or are very close with.

I agree with the title, and honestly I think most of us feel that the title doesn't represent what that person means to you. However (devils advocate here), some people are/may be used to it and do not see serving others, friends or family as an insult. Again, not saying I like the term, thus why I won't be using it, but I understand how others don't see it as a slight.

Also I doubt that the interactions someone has with the paid staff at a hall would be at all the same as a family member or friend, and if a bride was treating her friends or family members who offered to help, like hired help, then I agree that is offensive and frankly abusing that relationship.

@Nicola, I don't speak for everyone but like I said, to me that role does not in anyway include all that.

Honestly that "role" really helpful friend/family member, whatever you want to call it besides PA for me will consist of this:

1. Straightening my train, veil before I walk down the isle

2. While we are doing the formal photos just making sure we aren't going to be running behind. (Really just making sure transitions from one location to the next are on time)

My FSIL volunteered to do this for me, I told her she didn't have to but she said she wanted to and would love to help with the little stuff. She was going to be with us during pictures regardless because she will be in some of them. She will be helping with setup because she is one of the many that are coming to help after the rehearsal dinner. Am I going to call her a PA? No, but as far as tasks I would consider a PA being responsible for, yes, she will be helping with them.

I don't think, again maybe just speaking for myself, as if I am honoring them by letting them be a part of my day. I don't find that to be the case with anyone at or in our wedding. Personally being a PA to me has and will always be an honor because it is for people I want to do that for. Does that make sense? I know it sounds confusing and I cannot really think of a good way to word that....

They can be part of the day by being a guest. That is an honor.

Athena, I live in Minnesota and have had a personal attendant for all of my marriages, and have one this time too! It so hard to explain to people that dont understand. Lol One of my two best friends asked to be my personal attendant bfore I couldask her to be MOh. She doesnt want to have to buya BM dress nor shoes and she doesnt want to be center of attention walking down the aisle. She does want to be involved just like a BM, and honored in the program as part of the wedding party, and just like the typical bridesmaids would do, they spend their day doting on the bride....BY CHOICE...I mean if you were a bridesmaid for one of your best friends, wouldnt you ask your best friend...the bride, if she needs help with her veil, or if she wants a glass of water (since your getting yourself one). She just helps, along with your MOH and bridesmaids to get you down the aisle on time And looking your best...its like an extra bridesmaid...without the expense of being a bridesmaid. It is usually an older person..but IM an older person so my PA is my age. Lol Where Im from its almost better than being a bridesmaid, and is DEFINATELY an honored position.