Pastor won't marry us :-(

Lauren, lol!

That seems odd to me but good for him to stand by his beliefs I suppose.

In marriage counseling my pastor told us he would rather marry us tomorrow in our living room than have us living together without being married (still have big wedding) but he said he respects any decision. He also said he would rather us not sleep in the same bed, but he's human. He knows that is not happening.

But he has never once said he wouldn't marry us because we're not doing any of those things.

Ok, so FH and I are Catholic, getting married in the Catholic church. We have lived together for many years and are not waiting for marriage. Our priest takes a "don't ask don't tell" approach, and states that if we are living together that we "should" claim it's the financially reasonable option for us premarriage. Could you possibly use this as your excuse? And I hate to say it this way, but, could you flat out lie?

I'm here to offer some support from a relatable stand point. My pastor doesn't want us fornicating before marriage and also we had to go through pre marital counseling. Well with me marrying a minister, those rules weren't hard to follow and by the time we get married we will have been together 3 years and never fornicated. I just want to tell you, you can do it! It will be worth the wait! And if you believe in the Bible then you and your pastor's beliefs are the same. I know some others think because the year changes that the word of God changes but it doesn't. God is still the same yesterday, today and forever. God bless you.

I would choose another pastor or officiant.

Fornication? Just because he is a pastor does not mean he can tell you how to live your life. This is so annoying. Move on. Lots of officiants do beautiful religious ceremony's. Choose someone who is not stuck in ancient times.

Ashley - I'm an expert on religious history, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that you're wrong on both counts about the Word and religious practice. The Bible has gone through many changes over the centuries, including and discarding whole books in the early years, and later a series of translations that significantly altered the meaning of many passages. The Bible as read and interpreted at almost every point in human history is vastly different from the copies and interpretations on offer now. Its Always been changed by the culture and social norms of those interpreting it. Always.

My first marriage we had to vow to practice celibacy. The problem was I abstained 8 months. My ex did not. I had no clue. Obviously this was the beginning of the end of our marriage. Once I found out a year after our marriage he justified it by saying since we were abstaining as a couple God would understand he still had needs or some BS. Not that my marriage wasn't doomed anyway but I wish the church had stayed out of it.

OP I think the core issue is that your church has at least some beliefs that you do not agree with. It sounds like that difference is causing you and your FH to consider changing an important aspect of your relationship. So I would say that's a fairly major point of disagreement. It is obvious you want a religious ceremony. So you and your FH need to decide if a religious ceremony is ok, or if this church is what's important. If its it's important that you get married in this church, why? Is it sentimental, or is it a church you intend to raise a family in? If you intend to raise a family in this church, will you instruct your children to follow the beliefs of this church that you yourself don't follow? I obviously don't expect you to answer those questions, they're deeply personal. I just think these are important for you to consider making this decision.

Choose someone else! period. done.

The pastor is actually doing his job. The point of the church is for believers to come together in worship, support one another and help each other stay on Christ's path. We're humans with the gift of free will. We all sin, we're not perfect, we don't always make the right decisions in terms of how God would have us live our lives. We get wrapped up in a secular world that doesn't take issue with some things like living together. We side with that part of our self that argues all the "logical" reasons why we should do it. If the church doesn't call us out, who will? While it's disappointing and throws a wrench in the plan OP, I can respect your pastors decision. I would suggest finding an ordained Officiant who will have the ceremony you would want. I moved a few years ago and haven't found a church I want to call home yet so that was the route I went.

@MrsA - well put.

OP - I was raised Baptist and understand conservative church doctrine. There are people from multiple backgrounds and faiths/no faith here on WW. Sometimes it is difficult for people who come from a different background to understand the conviction of both the pastor and the layperson in this situation. Worst case - you are five months out from the wedding, and although not ideal, it really isn't a large chunk of time in the grand scheme of things. If a wedding at your church is of significant importance, I would encourage you to 'suck it up.' Even though it may stink for the time being. I wish you peace as you and your FH walk through this decision.

Our pastor suggested living as brother and sister.. as in two different beds.

Sqwiggy I'm sorry that happened to you but aren't you glad it did? I'd rather find out a year into my marriage I'm with a cheater than after 30 years of marriage.

OP DH and I abstained before we were married. Neither of us were virgins but found it very helpful to our relationship. We were able to express love in other ways than physical, and made our relationship grow deeper. I think you have a pretty clear choice, celibate or find a different pastor. I don't think either side is wrong, but a bunch of Internet strangers can't tell you what to do.

Our pastor was actually happy we've been together before marriage oldly enough. He says you need to be with someone you can physically connect with as well as emotionally. And you'll never know if you wait till marriage and it ends up being horrible.

@OP- I've never had a close connection with any church because we moved so much growing up, so I don't think I can totally relate. I would have left immediately, no way is anyone allowed to go that deeply into my personal life. However, that being said a PP made a very good point. You need to figure out if the religious ceremony is important to you, or if that pastor marrying you in that church is what's important. If your answer is the pastor, then you need to soul search and find out if his request is something you want to comply with. He is trying to compromise with you a bit there, he did say you could live together, so that won't affect you and you FI having just bought a home (congrats by the way!). My FI and I essentially lived together on campus for 2 out of our 3 yr relationship together without having sex, it's difficult but not impossible if that's what you decide to do.

If however, you decide that it's the religious ceremony that's more important, I would quickly decide if finding a new officiant is what you want.

My pastor is not the first to throw stones. A lot of pastors will not judge you

Omg @Sqwiggy...that's terrible! Geez.

I would drop this pastor like it's hot.