Overwhelmed and just letting it out about cost of this wedding.

After all, it is his wedding to. Well now that everything is coming together I am feeling the pressure. I wish I had debated for the more budget friendly options, but it was hard to because I knew it was stuff he wanted. He has no concept of money. Here is an example, he considered a money transfer (one done directly into an account, aka a cash advance) to not be debt but to just be a funds transfer. It took four times to explain it to him. He looks at the dollar amounts and goes “that’s not terrible” and I am having a heart attack. I admit that I am an enabler, I have been trying to be better and I think I have made progress but now I am overwhelmed with the pressure. I have so much stress that people at work started to comment on my complexion. In the end I have know I will make everything work with minimal issues, but I won’t be in the position that I wanted to be in. I thank heavens every day we went with a Sunday winter wedding because if we had done the season his mother wanted we would have had to add $20,000 to the budget based on the deals I already know we got. Sometimes I just need to let it out as I think it. All I can do is continue to cut where I can, adjust where I can and be smarter in my money outside of wedding stuff as well. In the end I know I will be happy with my wedding, I will love it and while I may feel the stress now I will be grateful for all my hard work afterwards, but right now I am just….just feeling it. I don’t want my mother or my FH to see how stressed I am, and if anyone remembers some of the FMIL rants I don’t want her to see me like this so this is one of the only places I can be truthful about how frustrated I am.

Oh, and it doesn't help that my FMIL is starting to get on us about a honeymoon. We had already told her we were waiting a year, but it looks like it will be 2 and she keeps pushing for us to plan one for next summer. I tried to change topics to the degree that I faked a phone call from work. I hate being reminded that I won't be able to afford a honeymoon for at least 2 years, thank lady. Sigh.

Cut your guest list. That's really the only place you can make significant slashes in your budget.

And it's not just your wedding; it's his too. He bears 1/2 of the responsibility for this, and he should be contributing.

And your FMIL? Tell her to keep it to herself or write you a check.

The fact that you are avoiding being honest with your FH over how stressed this is making you is concerning. Yes, it is his wedding too, but it shouldn't make you miserable and stressed to plan things according to both of your wishes. You have been doing all the conceding when it comes to choices, it sounds like, and he has taken that and run with it. That's all good and well, except it sounds like he's more than happy to use credit and loans to cover the difference between budget and actual costs this is creating, which is a horrible way to do it.

The two of you need to sit down and have a long, long discussion about how this is not acceptable. You need to get his support when it comes to your FMIL, and I think couples counseling would benefit you greatly with this. Individual counseling would help you with learning how to set and assert firm boundaries with him. If you don't have them in this area, I'm guessing that likely carries over to other parts of the relationship, and that is not healthy.

Please start taking care of yourself and start being honest with your FH. You can't keep doing things this way, and expect to be happy at your wedding. With the degree of frustration and stress you're expressing now, by the wedding you will probably be harboring some resentment and anger over feeling pushed into a bigger ordeal than you wanted.

Downsize, and get back to what you had originally agreed to, instead of making yourself miserable, and be honest with your FH about it!!

@LeahH we can afford it, just not as comfortable as I would like. I had originally planned in case all invited showed up, then he got a hold of the menu and next thing you knew... We are both aware of the numbers involved just have different emotions about it. Like when we were house hunting I believed in the starter home while we learned how to live together and figure out what we wanted in a house, and he believed in the forever type of home. Then I feel guilty that we could do this so much more comfortably if I did not have so much student debt.

@Celia He defiantly takes the responsibility of what happens, just wish he felt half of the stress I feel, maybe then I could feel a little less. But that has always been this way, I over stress. Maybe if I didn't stress as much he wouldn't been under-stressed. heh.

I think my idea is that, say I have a credit card with a limit of $1000, if I am around $850 used on the card I stress, because that is too close for my liking, it leaves little wiggle room. For an example.

@MNA Thank you for your input. I know I need to get over some of my...issues. I have been terrible with expressing emotions properly. I try to calculative in how I communicate which makes it kind of hard to see the real emotion behind it. And I might have expressed too much on his part. We haven't used any credit, in fact when we are done there will only be a couple of things on credit cards. But when we started my goal was to still have 10-15 thousand sitting in the account because we were looking to have a dog and have some home improvements. Now we will have to wait for some of those other plans. But you are right on at the individual counseling on the minimum. I I have a tendency to try to carry the stress for others, and maybe this whole planning process is starting to take it to another level. Thank you very much. I do appreciate and will work on a lot of this stuff.

You sound very much like me. I also get stressed easily. We decided on a place, but the deposit is a bit higher than what we would like. I honestly think a smaller wedding would be more affordable and less stressful, but he wants the whole package- wanting better liquor. I don't make even close to the amount he makes. But it's his wedding too and I'm just going that route. I have told him this and we may reconsider if we decide it's not affordable.

Be honest with him and tell him how stressed you are. Also discuss with him the finances because y'all are obviously not on the same page which will cause issues later. Be honest with him about everything always! Don't hold anything back. He's there to support you and listen. Cut your guest list down and that will help A LOT. As for the mil if she wants y'all to have a honeymoon in the summer then ask her to pay for it.

@soontobeschultz yeah, its hard not to want to give them the day they want. Me and him make the same, but since I have student debt, bought my own car, took care of my own bills before we lived together it is almost like we are on uneven footing coming in. It is not an issue for him, but it is to me. Like whenever he offered to help with my student debt I always have this issue like, it is mine and I will take care of it. It is hard to express how I process stress unless I am talking to someone who does the same because I guess it doesn't make sense sometimes. I don't know what your level of stress if with this, it looks like you have some time. My recommendation is to not do what I did. If you set a budget or a plan, stick to it unless there is a good good reason not to and find a healthy stress reliever now. I thought I had one, but then I lost time to do it. I am grateful for hallmark channel right now, such fluffy movies to keep my spirit light. Thanks for your input, it actually makes me feel better when I know that others feel similarly to me. As terrible as that sounds because that means someone has these stressful or miserable moments like me.

@Tina thanks for your input. That hardest part if finding the manner of honesty, I am terrible at it. And his mother annoys me because we had already had this conversation, we had talked about how we wanted to do it right, plan a trip with no debt. I try so hard not to sound like a brat when I talk. His sister got a dog, even though she has one 3yoa, a six month old, 2 cats and her husband is being deployed in january. She tried to convince FH to get a dog now and showed him a dog for adoption. I took the phone out of his hand and handed it back to her with a comment along the lines of "We already decided to wait til after the wedding", I apologized to him for being so bratty, but he didn't see how it was, but I promise she did. Thank you though, I do need to find better ways of being honest.

You do not need to 'give them the day they want". If they have a day in mind, as I said, they can write a check.

I think your best bet is to have a one on one with him and explain your concerns. Think of how you're gonna bring it up to him so he won't be offended or mad. Good luck! (:

Just throwing out there that you ladies have already made me feel a lot better. It really is healthy to get stuff off your chest, now I have to work on doing it without coming onto a forum. Thank you.

And yes, I will work on talking to him about the cost of all this stuff. A lot of things can't be changed but a lot can. We will evaluate what can be changed to bring us to something a little more comfortable.

@Snow: I think when you learn how to better express yourself to him and set clear boundaries, you'll feel much better, and while he may recoil a bit at first (due to it being unusual for you), I think you'll find the relationship healthier and happier overall.

I have big communication issues. I have what was once referred to as Asperger's, and I struggle with selective mutism when I am anxious or emotional: I literally become unable to express my thoughts verbally, and in worst cases become physically unable to speak at all.

This is understandably frustrating for FH, and the best solution we have found for us, is for us to take time to let discussions calm down, and/or I will write him a note about how I feel. I actually write him notes frequently, but when I'm upset or frustrated or unhappy with something, writing it down gives me not only the chance to reflect on what specifically is bothering me, but it gives me a chance to approach it in the least aggressive way possible, so FH doesn't feel like I'm blaming him or anything like that. It helps immensely, but it has definitely required a lot of work on both our parts, including some counseling for me.

@MNA that idea of writing notes helps. Or at least writing down what I intend to say. I do often, when I get emotion, have issues communicating. I could get into the why's but in the end why doesn't mean much. It is certainly something I just need to work on. I feel like I used to be better, not sure if it is true, but it used to be easier.

Girl, we have been stressed about the wedding budget too! I have had many nights where I wake my FH up crying in a panic because weddings are just so much money! I have never spent so much money on something before and just draining our savings. Like you, I know it will all be worth it. Glad you could get it out on here though instead of potentially ruining a FMIL relationship.

@fsumissa I am sorry you are going through this panic as well. Me and FMIL have always been on....we will call it working casual relationship. She has always been controlling of FH and I think since we moved our FH has been wanting to show he can stand on his own. Maybe that is why he pushed for so much because he wants to show we can do it without them. My future inlaws have not offered to help at all and my parents have paid for the venue, rehersal lunch and have offered to help where they can, naturally I would rather do it ourselves because they aren't the most well off people. But thank you. has certainly helped.

I also gotta admit maybe I feel so vulnerable right now because it is thanksgiving, my parents have the flue so they couldn't come over and my FH is over his parents house. I didn't go because I have work at 6am and I couldn't be out late, feeling a little loney.

@SnowQueen I totally get it. It's hard and puts a lot of emotional and financial stress on a lot of people. Luckily you seem to have a very supportive FH who you can also voice your concerns with.

I feel you on the honeymoon situation. My future father in law keeps asking what we're doing for it and I keep saying we're waiting since we have the wedding to pay for. He hasn't offered to pay for any part of the wedding (at least not yet, and that's fine). It's not a big deal to wait and I don't understand what the big deal is with him pushing for it.