Officiant gift

Everyone needs to heed to the community rules about respectfulness including those giving so called helpful (condescending) advice. The poster asked about a recommended tip not whether or not the community agreed with who she picked to officiate.

Whoa whoa why is everyone ganging up on Celia? She's is being realistic.

You can be nice/friendly and realistic at the same time. People might actually heed to the advice.

I'm not sure if this was answered or not, but is your friend legally licensed to officiate weddings in your state? Some states, and even counties within states, can have strict rules on who can and cannot legally officiate a wedding. Celia is a professional who knows all the things one has to do to navigate through this somewhat complicated process. She knows from experience what all has to be done to make the whole wedding legal. An officiant does more than just say words at the ceremony. She, and many others here, advocate that you hire a professional officiant to do your ceremony because the whole point of the ceremony is to make your marriage, you know, legal. You don't want to risk having your marriage not actually be real because you had some friend/acquaintance officiate your wedding. Please listen to Celia, and others, and hire a professional to officiate your wedding.

Ooof though crowd... I think the bottom line is it's yours and your FH's wedding, you make the decision. No one here is going to be there so why get so bent out of shape. Do what you want, but understand that there are risks involved and I think that's what a lot of PP have just been trying to advise.

I'm using a friendor, I know people don't agree but it's what my FH & I want. It's my MOH's husband and he's an ordained minister. He went to seminary school and is currently a chaplain so I know he can legally marry us. He officiated my MOH's sisters wedding and did an amazing job. I couldn't imagine having anyone else be the one to do it.

If you go the friendor route, just be sure they are legally able to and sit down with them and go over what their responsibilities are as far as filing and whatnot.

As for gift, he's getting a bottle of nice scotch and $100.

I think kdub said it all and said it very well. Using a friendor is more risking. Do your research and make extra sure all of your bases are covered. We are having my cousin marry us and I don't have a worry in the world about it and couldn't care less what these professionals say. My wedding will be his third wedding. I watched him perform a ceremony before asking him to officiate ours and he did an amazing job and the couples are both happily and LEGALLY married! I wouldn't want a random stranger who knows nothing about us be such a vital part of our ceremony and marriage. I feel that the officiant should know you as a couple because it seems meaningless to me to have some professional say stuff about our marriage when they don't even know us. Sorry I can't help you with your actual question because I know nothing about tipping! Haha good luck!

@Jessica B. LOL....these comments tho! Anyway, my fiancé uncle is marrying us. I think it's GREAT you have someone close to you doing it other than a "professional" that doesn't even know you two personally. I plan to gift his uncle something nice, just not sure what yet either. You are doing the right thing...and sorry trolls are judging YOUR wedding day! Sad!

Jessica, if she did two other weddings that you know went well, I am certain yours will go fine too. agree with the 100.

I cross paths with Celia's potential clients. We work in the same general vicinity, and while I've never had the pleasure of actually working with her, I'm looking forward to that day. I've heard amazing things about her. She's worked with the royalty of the wedding industry -- names you'd know. She routinely weighs in on threads with titles like, "I need a venue in NJ" -- and not because it will earn her a dime. Not only does she give a list of venues in the double digits, but she tells the stranger, the WW bride-to-be, whom to ask for when they contact any of those venues. She's told posters to email her when they have no scripts for their wedding ceremonies. She provides them, free of charge.

So, to read, "Celia why would you say that? It's is the bride and grooms day. It's not your right to say other wise. You don't know their situation. Stop being so rude.", I get a little defensive. I know what weddings look like on the other side of the fence, and I know that my floral arrangements, as amazing as they are, won't end with a couple being legally married and blown away by their actual ceremony.

How easily, in the name of money, do some people forget that what the officiant does is a legal service, and every "I" must be dotted, and every "T" must be crossed. The school secretary (and no offense to secretaries) doesn't belong at the front of room. Sorry...if she did, she'd be a professional officiant with great reviews.

Celia has a right to say what she said because, first and foremost, she's an American and, as an American, she is entitled to the same free speech that was silently invoked when that poster called her rude and suggested she was clueless (and since I've never heard that she screamed "Fire" at a ceremony, I'm assuming her speech is protected). And, much to the contrary, she does know the couple's situation -- better than the couple knows their situation. That's like telling a podiatrist that he/she doesn't get it, and that the word of the pedicurist carries more weight. The mere thought of a school secretary (does she even make loud speaker announcements?) being asked to take on this kind of responsibility, just because she's free (oops, forget about the optional tip of a gift card) boggles my mind . And, all too often, that's what matters.

And, if we're not allowed to say, "You're tacky", you're not allowed to say, "You're rude". Read the guidelines.

I wouldn't have her officiate personally but if you do, I would make sure she knows her officiating is her gift and she does not need to give you a gift since she's working your event. And then I'd give her something around $100.

But seriously, don't accept a gift from her for the wedding. I find it upsetting when someone gives free labor and then the bride and groom is ok to accept cash from them too

Agree completely with @Kay. I find it confusing how people can regularly be called tacky af, gift grabby, cheap, etc, but as soon as one of the veteran posters is called rude then flags are flying all over the place and the CGs suddenly become very important. And as far as the community not tolerating posts that offend and belittle? Total bullshit.

I think if you come on here as a professional then your advise should sound helpful/insightful not annoyed.

I'm not saying that Celia doesn't know what she's talking about-and perhaps in most situations she's right- but not every situation in the same.

Had I been the OP I would have love to have her 'long post' first. That would have made me really reconsider my options and look further into my officiant. Her first answer however immediately turn me off from what she had to say.

This is all I can picture after that comment

These are the days of our lives ....

*hear*

Yes, two weddings will definitely make her qualified. My newest officiant did two weddings last week.

@Jessica, what do you think we do? Talk to you for 10 minutes, show up and say some random thing? We sound like we know you because by the time we have worked through the ceremony, we do. We've probably talked multiple times, you've filled out an extensive questionnaire and we've edited the ceremony a few times. One of the most frequent comments we all get, here and in person, is that it feels like we've known the couple forever. That's what the art and the craft require.

Anyone who knows me knows my advice will never be sugar coated; I'm not your mom. I'm the person who will flat out say, "what the fuck" when you need to hear it the most. You may hate it at the time, but hopefully in the cold light of the day after, you'll be thankful you heard it. And that's not only me, but MANY of the posters who come here (not naming names because I'll leave someone out but you know who they are...)

Think about how it sounds...."who's doing your ceremony (the most important part of the day)

The school secretary. She's done two. It'll be great and it's our day.

Is is any wonder why people think that's just flat out nonsensical?

I think as long as you've seen her do other weddings as well, using her would be fine! And I say about $100 worth

I want to weigh in, because I technically used a "friendor" who also happened to be a professional officiant. H had a family friend who had worked in the diamond district before she retired, and he worked with her to make my ring. Turns out her partner is, among other things, an officiant. She had performed many weddings, including some of the other family friends (I still remember my Jewish mother freaking out..."you're getting married by a minister?!" She felt much better when I explained that our minister was Jewish lol.) In planning our wedding, we had many outings, dinners, etc wth this couple because as I said, they were close family friends. When it came time to discuss the ceremony, that was separate. There were about a hundred emails and phone calls, actual homework full of questionaires, writes and re-writes of the script. She even called my mother and spoke to her for over an hour (they hadn't met). We joke that they're the couple that got us married - one supplied the rings, one did the ceremony.

My point is, this is a real job. My brother has been ordained online and has performed about 20 weddings, because he has a huge group of friends who love him. He's a writer and an entertainer. But I wouldn't have asked him to officiate. It's important to have a professional.

Bottom line professional advice is well... professional and typically tactful.

Bottom line... @Celia and @Rachel are correct and gave helpful, professional advice.