Not sharing last name with kids really a problem?

My mom and dad divorced when I was 4 and remarried when I was 7. She had a different last name than my sister and I and we never had any problems. Traveling, doctors or anything else.


This will be my second marriage and I will be taking my FH last name and my kids will end up with a different last name than me. I don’t foresee any trouble as long as I have all documentation as needed for any travel or anything else.

You'd need those notarized documents for international travel, regardless of whether you shared the same last name.

My kids don't have my last name. It has been an issue literally one time in my life--when they had one line for immigration for A to L and one for M to Z, and my then husband and kids had to go to a different line than me. Compared to the hassles of changing one's name (initial document changing, old friends having trouble finding you, professional issues, and issues if you are ever divorced or widowed and remarry), that's pretty trivial.

I have a question on this. I plan on keeping my own name, and if we have kids they would take FH's last name.

For any paperwork, would I go by Mrs. [my maiden last name] even though I'm not married to someone with my last name? I was always confused by that part.

View Quoted Comment I’ve always used Ms. even as an unmarrried woman and I plan to continue using it after marriage. “Ms.” is neutral, can be for married or unmarried ladies. I think I’d feel really weird going by Mrs. It’d make me feel old!! Even tho I’m no longer a spring chicken either.

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Every woman I know who has kept her own last name has gone by Ms.

Before there was Ms., the etiquette was that a woman who kept her own last name was "Miss." One of the receptionists in my old law firm therefore consistently addressed me as Miss, right up until my first pregnancy became obvious. Then she apparently decided that the "scandal" of my being seen as an unwed mother was a bigger concern than the etiquette. I'm really glad that the days when Miss or Mrs. were the only two choices are over!

Yeah, my parents divorced and both remarried, my mom took my step dad's name. We haven't had any issues as far as I know! It sounds like a personal choice.

My brother and I had a different last name than my mom ever since she remarried when I was 2 and he was 4. Then they had 2 kids together and gave them their common last name. Practically, the only issues were travel and customs, but sentimentally I wouldn’t ever recommend it. It was super hard for our siblings and parents to have different names than us and it created a divide, we are all very close but it was extremely hard for me as a child, being so close to my mom but not sharing her name

In our culture, we do not have the same last names. We never had problem with immigration. However, I had problem with not having the same last name as my FH. Immigration separated us when we were in Italy since we don't have the same last name.

I won't be taking my FH's name, and it is always a little funny sometimes when people already refer to him as "Mr. Mylastname" at restaurants and such when I make reservations. We already know we are bucking social customs and we aren't going to explain our situation to every stranger we meet in public because it would take too long and it isn't their business.

My mother never changed hers, or hers ( clan tradition) and I nor most of our family and relatives have. Truthfully, the biggest problem we used to have was petty bureaucrats, like school teachers in grade school, and principals and sometimes we went to court. But not over our last names, some of us kids having Dad's, some having Mom's surnames. But in small towns in NH and Mass, various of us kids had problems because people did not like that we did not have Christian first names. Or ones common in English. Not hard, But people tried to "teach" my brother's and some sisters, as they had my parent's generation, a Christian name. Zak not acceptable, they wanted Zachary or Zachariah. Tavik not acceptable, taught David. Jana, Anika, Saribet they wanted Janet, Annette, Sarah Elizabeth. And came up with stupid arguments on last names. I have a same age brother, was Dad's brother's son, adopted. Teachers said, why should we have to learn two different last names for kids from the same parents? Well, usually, you have no brothers and sisters in class, so you learn 25 names for 25 kids. What is the problem? Later, the same people would say, how can we remember they are from the same family, with different last names? To start with, parents would point out we were the only black haired, grey eyed children who looked alike in an all fair haired class. After a while she would say, because I am their mother, the person who took you to court before, remember? The State, State and Federal law, gives the power to name children to the parents. People who don't accept it are making a comment on women being independent ( don't like it) or some other agenda. I never had a problem about names with other kids, their parents, jobs, or the government. Times have changed, even in small towns. All you need to carry is your passport at a border, and a license or state non- driver's ID. Your passport and license have the computerized info of your parents names. And any change is on the computer for marriage, or a legal name change. At time of marriage sign your own name, before and after. That is what your certificate will say. Not an issue. Always carry a marriage certificate when you travel, so if you are injured your spouse has immediate right to direct your medical care if you cannot. That is true whether you change to husband's name or not. There are so many children who live in households where their names do not match both, or either parent, that no one thinks much about it. Our 5 some have Daddy's surname, others have mine. No one has ever made an issue of it. We cross the border regularly, in numerous places.

View Quoted Comment Hahaha!! Your old receptionist is too cute.


Yea, I’ve always been addressed as Ms. XYZ even as an unattached lady. It only makes sense that women need a neutral title/honorific/salutation since there is no married form of “Mr.” Miss just seems incredibly young and infantile once you’re past your early teens.

View Quoted Comment So shocking to hear that completely unrelated adults would try to change children’s names or even bother having opinions on them. Sorry your family had to deal with that.

View Quoted Comment Think about it this way, its not really “bucking social custom” when 1.4 billion people in China follow the traditional custom of no one changing their names upon marriage. This is also the case in much of Asia which holds the majority of the world’s population. Clearly if the majority of human beings in the world don’t change their names, that’s the social norm. It’s a kooky Americans who have this strange custom!! Lol


Personally, I never considered changing my name because it isn’t done in my culture. Besides, I have no interest in replacing my passport, license, etc. and I would feel strange being called a different name than my own.

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In Western culture, it's definitely bucking the norm, but that doesn't mean I'm doing it. I'm a doctor and can't unless I go through 3x the paperwork and fees the average bride does, and I'll still have my patients call me Dr. Maidenname anyway so there's no point.

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my mom remarried a few years later. She had the same last name as my step-dad and eventually my younger sister. My older sister and I had the same last name as my dad. It never caused any issues that I can remember. I've never shared a last name with my 16 year old son and again, never any issues. I've been called Mrs. Northern (my son's last name) more times than I could count, but it doesn't bother me. If it's by someone I'll have an ongoing relationship with, I correct them. If not, I just let it go. I know for some people it's really important to share a last name with their kids, but it never was to me. Having a different last name doesn't make me any less his mom.

View Quoted Comment Mrs. Only works if you take the last name. Ms. Is for single or married who are not disclosing it in the title, same as Mr. Since Miss is no longer correct, try Ms. Wear your rings if you want people to see you are married when you are out .

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But it's the custom of a woman changing her name that created that dilemma in the first place. Presumably, your mother got divorced after she already had you. She would not have been able to change your last name without the consent of her ex-husband. So her choices at that time would have been to keep her married name or revert to her maiden name. Reverting to her maiden name would have caused you two to have different names.

But then when she remarried, it would have been much harder explaining to her second husband that she wanted to keep the last name of her first husband than it would have been to explain that she wanted to keep the last name she was born with. So she changed it--but that meant she ended up with a different last name than you. And then children born after then had her new last name.

If she'd never changed her name in the first place, both you and her children from the second marriage could have had her name. Or if they didn't, at least there wouldn't have been the resentment that some of her children got her name and some didn't.

In my own case, my son was asked back in nursery school why his mother had a different last name. He explained that different people in a family would always have different last names. After all, he didn't share a last name with two of his grandparents, any of his aunts and uncles, or any of his cousins.

And he had a point. We don't generally assume that closeness to relatives is related to sharing the same name. Do you feel closer to those members of your father's family who share your name than to anyone in your mother's birth family? It's only the fact that your siblings did share a name with your mother that made you feel that they had something you didn't.

View Quoted Comment I understand why she changed her name to match her new husband, it’s a difficult circumstance, but I am just giving perspective as the child whom it affected. Many of the people are here as brides and mothers and it is important to recognize the child’s point of view as well. I understand that it may have been hard for her and in a way, there was no best option, but that doesn’t change how my brother and I felt as the outsiders of a family that we were in far before our stepdad. And our family is lovely and happy no matter the name, but I just thought I should put in my 2 cents on what it feels like as a child with a different name when my mom and I are so close and now best friends. It does mean something to have the same last name and I can’t wait to take my FH name and have our kids with the same name. No matter the circumstance, it’s sentiment

View Quoted Comment This last part worried us, because we adopted 2 kids, siblings, and we're in process when I got pregnant. We had not talked about our names or kid names, months after we met. Until we went to dinner at his very old country Italian family in NYC. Mom welcoming, father aggressively not. I think just to rile his Dad, when he made some comments about my using Ms., Was I going to be difficult for everyone and try to keep my name, if they let me marry their T (???). Not taking husband's name, like a good wife should? And never having spoken about it, T ( hubby now) said, she is keeping her name. But I was thinking if changing mine, so I can be like her and the kids. Or, maybe we will give some kids my name, some hers. I was dumbfounded, though happy. Father turned purple, said, well the girls can have her name, girls don't matter. Fast forward 3 years, and we were wondering if adopted kids would have a problem over some kids in family having one name, some another. But just before the baby was born, some guest asked. And our shy 4 year old said, since we have mommy's name, it is Daddy's turn. Simple as that. But next was twin B & G. One each. They grew up with it, and are fine about it. There only preference when we asked, did they want to keep their (deceased) parents last name, they were clear, staying with us, our name, Mommy's.( I am Inuit, as they are.) But son was happy when we asked the Judge to give them their Mom's name as middle name. But not hyphenated. Daughter 2.5, just happy, but no issues. I don't think it is a problem with the kids, but maybe with you because you lost a parent, without formally acquiring step dad, and that was the issue? Not feeling you belonged as much as their kids? It can be tough, depending on the feedback kids get from other non-family, and other kids. In the end, hubby's father came around. We don't talk politics, but in matters of their grandchildren, he has been most accepting of his adoptive ones as well as those we gave birth to. Even support, no difference between the two. And all 3 sets of grandparents dote on everybody. So maybe, that is why they feel belonging, where you felt left out, too.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for clarifying! I never knew this until now. I’ve been using Ms because it looked more dignified than Miss!