Not inviting certain family members

I'm not inviting most of my family. My family is too big to invite them all without my wedding costing $17,000 for just a venue, catering and a bar. Conversation went along the lines of I don't like you enough to pay for your food and booze. But I'm mean.

My mom is trying to control my wedding, and we have never seen eye to eye, or gotten along well. BUT she is paying for my venue, so I have to include her and invite her. But I feel where you're coming from.

I'm not inviting my father, he was horrible to me and hadn't been in my life for ten years. I'm also only inviting one of my four siblings, because most of them think our father did no wrong and would be pushing him on me all day (or even just show up with him in tow). They're also mostly not in my life and are generally bad people (drug addicts and the like) so I had no problem cutting these people from my guest list. My day will be so much happier without them.

I think it's fine if you know you don't want them there and if you accept that they're going to be upset about being left out. Just gotta be prepared to deal with the feelings it might hurt.

We are only inviting immediate family and close friends. Most people have been highly respectful of this and understand why we had to do it this way...Seriously, if we did just my fiance's immediate family, aunts/uncles, and first cousins we'd have over 100 people...And we very well can't invite one side's aunts and uncles and not the others...And picking and choosing would get dicey (especially when we're not close with any aunts or uncles).

My (bio) dad did not take this well. At first, we offered to make an exception for his brother, sister, sister in law, and my (adult) cousin. That wasn't good enough because we wouldn't budge on the 14 year old and 2 year old (venue restrictions). He threw an absolute tantrum. Sorry dude. I was the first in our family to graduate from college. No one came. Our house flooded up to 4 feet. No one bothered to check on us. My birthday came and went. Not even a text. I had surgery in December. Not a peep. I'm not knocking people who did do those things off of our guest list because "faaaaaaaaaaamily".

I don't like some

People that my parents are making me invite because it would make them look bad. Some got into a physical fight at the last wedding. But they are paying for them and I told them I have the right to kick them out at any time . Hopefully they won't all go ... the wedding should be about you but in my case it's not. I have about 20-30 people I either don't like or don't know going

There are some family members that I didn't invite simply because of budgeting or because I haven't seen them in a long time I hope they don't get offended but I need to protect my pocket. So don't feel guilty ... it is your wedding.

Honestly it seems like you're using your wedding to withhold invites from people who you think aren't worthy. It's like you're using it as some sort of punishment or leverage. Placing conditions on your invitations is what makes me think that.

Okay, I lost the thread yesterday and I just now found it. I’m horrible when it comes to putting my thoughts into words and even worse when I have to try and do it on my phone’s small screen. I hope I’m able to clarify everything with this comment: We have both been very open about who we do and do not want at the wedding and/or reception and the reasons why.

I had first brought up FSIL because I thought I had more room in the initial post to explain her but I didn’t and just forgot to explain the situation. When we had talked about marriage (before getting engaged) I told him that I did not want her there because in the 4 years (at the time) that we had been together, she had never reached out to him, tried to have a relationship with me or anything of that sort. But her relationship with his ex-wife was oh so important and came before her relationship with us. I told him that if that was the case when we got married, I would have a very difficult time wanting her to be there. However, she has reached out to him and is trying to have some sort of relationship with him. I honestly believe that she is sincere in wanting a relationship with him and I’m excited for that to happen…which is why I’m supportive of her coming to the wedding.

@Midwest Mary: I’m not using my wedding as a bargaining chip or trying to blackmail anyone so that they can go to the wedding. I have always been a non-confrontational type of person which makes it very hard for me to properly express my feelings and emotions. There are things my mother has done to me and ways that she has treated me for YEARS that make it hard to have any type of relationship with her. She has judged my relationship from the very beginning, has had no desire to get to know FH or his kids, has told me she doesn’t agree with it on multiple occasions and has always held resentment for me because of the relationship I have with my father….among other things. When FH & I were first going to elope to Vegas, I told her that she would not be there because it was an elopement. When we decided to do the wedding in our state, we knew that she was planning on being invited. I’m absolutely not planning on having a conversation about the way that she has treated me to get her to give me a fake apology just so she can come. BUT I don’t thinks she realizes how she has treated me and how I honestly feel. It’s a conversation that I should have had a long time ago, and I know that. If she were to realize how I feel, genuinely try to change and sincerely be happy for me, then I would absolutely reconsider inviting her. But I’m not demanding an apology just so she can go. I have been groomed to keep my emotions to myself and do whatever other people want to make them happy even if it makes me unhappy. Ever since I’ve learned to stand up for myself, I have been heavily criticized and judged.

Yes, the cousin helped us out quite a bit at one point in our life, but now, there is nothing but tension and aggravation from all parties (me, FH, cousin, cousin’s spouse) I feel like if I invite this cousin, it would purely be out of obligation because right now we don’t speak unless we have to. We had discussed only inviting out of state cousins to the wedding & reception or just not inviting any cousins at all. That’s still something that we are trying to decide. I had brought up this cousin because I didn’t know if since they had helped us so much in the past, if we were obligated to invite them even though they’re not helping pay for anything.

I would appreciate it if you can explain why you think we are naïve and petty about relationships because I don’t understand what makes you feel that way.

@Jacks: we are not trying to use our wedding as a punishment to people, but why would we want people there who have not been supportive of our relationship, or life or our love? Why would we want people there who have been so unbelievably rude and unsupportive. If we saw an honest change in them, then absolutely we would welcome them there, but we would have to see genuine changes (mainly my mother because that’s the biggest issue right now)

There is a certain cousin of mine I am not inviting. My parents and my fiancé were completely okay with it. If my fiancé ever saw him he'd probably hurt him, and I personally don't want him there either. If you don't feel comfortable with having someone at your wedding or just flat out don't want them there they don't invite them. this is your day, and you want to have the most amazing day!

I read your updated post, didn't see the first one. Its YOUR wedding. YOU invite who YOU want, and no one else. I don't think this requires a conversation with your abuse parent. You simply don't invite them. If any other family members ask about it or try to talk you into it, tell them that the matter is closed and change the subject.

I sent my dad a letter just after getting engaged, cutting him out of my life and letting him know he's not invited in one fell swoop - it basically said "you're an abusive asshole, you're not coming to my wedding, never speak to me again, don't contact me."

Your family should love you. They should support you. They should care about you and lift you up and take you in. And if the people in your life don't do that, then they aren't your family, blood and biology be damned.

I didn't invite my father because we aren't close and I didn't invite my 22 year old brother because he has a problem with stealing. I just didn't bring it up to them and didn't send an invite. I did tell my mom why my brother wasn't invited in case he wanted to know.

Im not inviting my father or any aunts or uncles to my wedding. No relationship with my father unless he's in trouble and I can't even get my aunt's and uncles to come to a free family holiday, birthday party, random hey we cooking gathering, so not inviting them to something I'm paying for. You can't pick your family but you can get rid of toxic people in your life. Your wedding is a happy, positive event, keep it that way

I'm not inviting my sister, an uncle, cousins and an aunt. It's a mix of toxic people and people whom I don't have a relationship with. They're definitely not getting a notification that they're not invited, but I'm pretty sure they've figured it out.

In my opinion, people don't get a default invite to my wedding because we are related. Blood relation does not necessarily mean that that person is significant in my life.

I also have an abusive mom that I'm not sure about inviting. We've never had a relationship and we have never really gotten along. Recently she's been trying really hard to mend our relationship, but it's very hard to put the past behind me. Her emotions are crazy and all over the place so I'm having trouble gauging how she's going to act day of. I'll be on the fence about this until the very last minute, but like you, I have no problem not inviting her. I REFUSE to have any toxic, selfish, abusive attitudes trying to ruin the happiest day of my life.

In regards to if you should have that conversation with your mom, that's 100% up to you. Don't let anyone tell you how to handle that. We couldn't possibly know how she's treated you and the emotional pain you've had to deal with. People handle things differently. I would love to disregard my mom's feelings like she has with me, but I can't. I will be having that conversation with my mom if I ultimately decide not to invite her.

This stuff is really hard to deal with, but don't let anyone jeopardize YOUR day. You deserve to be surrounded by love and support. I hope everything works out!

My mom is the eldest of 7. I have never wanted a local and/or big wedding, but when I met FH and his family in Shanghai, I just knew I wanted to get married there and celebrate the best we can with both our families. We solved our problem of not inviting certain family members by inviting them all to our DW out of the country (Shanghai). Those closest and dear to us attended, except for my grandma. It solved our problem almost instantly. No one got left out and our OOT guest list of 18 was perfect for us

I feel like this can't be said enough.

You wedding is about ONE relationship - you and your FH. There is no point in using it to try and heal your relationship with your mother or your cousin; if they were abusive in the past then nothing will change because you are getting married. Even if they decide to grind out an apology in exchange for an invite, after the wedding you will still be the exact same people in the exact same relationship. And any apology that you have to ask for is going to be coerced and unsatisfying.

Presumably, your mother knows that your relationship is strained to the point where not being welcome at your wedding will not surprise her. Her reaction will not be the same as that of a loving, involved parent who finds themselves suddenly cut out. This may serve as an affirmation of something that she already knows - a death certificate, kind of - but she's almost certainly already aware that the death has occurred.

Yup! He did not want his mother their due to some past events. So she will not be allowed even if she tries to come with someone else.