Not inviting certain family members

I don't know, that's a thought situation. If it's important for you to have those people there then I'd suggest expressing that to FH and if he still won't budge then you might need some counseling

These are YOUR family members; do YOU want them there? He can't tell you not to invite your own family if you want them to come.

I don't think that your FS should be dictating who in your family is/isn't invited to the wedding. I understand if he has an issue with them and he should be able to voice that opinion, but if it's your family member ultimately the decision is yours as far as whether or not to invite them unless they are paying for any part of the wedding. If they aren't then you need to decide whether you want them there or not. You have an issue with his sister but she's still being invited, it should go both ways.

Are your parents still together? If they are, then it's probably an all-or-nothing situation. You can't invite one and not the other.

As for your cousin - who has helped you out a great deal, and to whom it appears (based on the limited information we have) you are close - FH may just need to suck it up, IMO. Is he trying to dictate the guest list to only invite people he feels comfortable with? If his sister is invited after making it clear she doesn't like you, then your cousin should certainly be invited, since it appears FH just doesn't like him.

I agree, pre-marital and couple's counseling might be in order here . . .

This parent in particular will not be putting a penny towards the wedding, I don't know if my other parent will - they haven't decided (divorced parents)

The parent in question has not been supportive of my relationship the 5 years I've been in it, they have not tried to get to know FH or his children because "if something happens between you two I'd never see them again" and they have alienated me from many family events. I've never been close to this parent.

I understand and agree where FH is coming from, and I agree with wanting an apology or even just admitting the things they've done wrong. It's something I've been thinking of since before FH brought it up.

I just don't know HOW to have the conversation.

I think you need to have a talk with your FH about the fact that this is your wedding too. Explain to him that family relationships are complex and you should have the final say in whether your family members are invited.

My FH's mom is not a good person and she has hurt him a lot throughout his life. If it were up to me, she would not be invited. But, she's still his mom and he doesn't want to completely sever their relationship by not inviting her. Cutting off a parent is a difficult decision each person has to make for themselves in their own time.

@Zaz - it's not that's I'm close to this cousin, it's more that they've helped us out a ton so I feel obligated to invite them.

He's only spoken how he feels about these people. He hasn't said that they can not be there, just that he doesn't want them there. I know I could be close to his sister if I tried and she's a great person, we get along fine when we're together. I just don't know her very well and don't know how much I can trust her because of who she's friends with.

*****ORIGINAL POST*****

I need your help and/or advice. There are a couple close members of my family that FH does not want to invite to the wedding - one is a cousin who has helped us out so much, and the other is one of my parents. He just can't stand the cousin and there's always tension when they're around one another & as far as my parent goes, he doesn't want them there unless they apologize for how they've treated me my entire life. It wasn't really fun growing up because of them, but they're still my parent so I feel like I have to. Have you run into this type of situation? How do I even have that discussion with my parent?! I'm not close with his sister who is best friends with his ex but she will be there.

ETA: he is in no way making the decision that they can't come, if I want them there, he knows I would invite them. I have the same feelings he does towards the parent, I just don't know how to talk to said parent.

Parents are divorced.

This parent will not be paying for the wedding.

ETA because I just saw the last post. But I'm still not sure what conversation exactly you're trying to have with your parent? Did you already decide you don't want them there and are asking for advice for discussing your reasoning for not inviting? Are you trying to have a conversation and ask them to apologize? I'm just trying to understand.

I don't talk to my dad (divorced) or his family because they are horrible. They simply are not invited to my wedding. If they mention anything to my siblings who still communicate with them, they bean dip. That's it. I didn't specifically tell them that they weren't invited, I just don't plan on inviting them.

@Alyssa, I'm asking how I discuss the entire thing with my parent. How do I explain why they're not invited. Do I tell them I want an apology or just have the discussion and see what happens?

I am not inviting two of my siblings to my wedding. FH and I are paying for it and if anyone asks I have just said that it is a day about celebrating love and we only want to be surrounded by those who make us feel the most loved. It also helps that we are paying for the wedding so I kind of have a I'm doing what I want on my day attitude!

Mary, that's what I'm half tempted to do, but at the same time I do have some type of relationship with this parent. We talk and see each other every so often, but it's always strained.

*Did not read comments b/c I only have a few minutes to hide from toddlers* We are not inviting fh's sister or dad (child porn related. Parents divorced). No conversation was had. Why bother? Simply not sending an invite. You don't have to invite abusive people (even parents) and you don't have to tell them why.

I think you have PLENTY of time to decide your final decision on said parent. I think if nothing changes on their end with a sincere apology and acceptance of your life, and you feel you'd rather not deal with it; you're totally understandable from my point of view to not invite. There's no "law" saying its mandatory, especially if they aren't contributing.

Sorry, OP when I posted my comment I had only seen your comments above and didn't scroll to the top and see the edited original post. Are you sure about not inviting them, or are you hoping to invite them and repair your relationship if they do apologize? If you don't care about mending the relationship, I don't think I'd even bother having a conversation. If you do, however, it might be helpful to be straightforward that you're looking for an apology/acknowledgement of their actions.

Melissa, FH is not dictating anything. If I want them there, they'll be there. How is the comment about his sister off?

Alyssa, I won't be inviting them unless they can accept the relationship. My entire life I've wanted a good relationship with this parent and it has never happened. If they can accept and/or apologize for their actions, I'd invite them. But I'm not necessarily looking for an apology to invite them. They'd have to show they've changed too. If that even makes any sense.

FH & I were originally going to go to Vegas and when we were planning that, I had told this parent that they wouldn't be there...but they thought it had been an elopement and figured no one would be there.

Well, please don't hold your breath or have ANY expectations that you will get an apology. Very few parents (of adult children) will ever be convinced they owe them an apology. Besides your wedding is not a BARGAINING chip. You are not going to blackmail someone into any change in behavior with an invitation to your wedding. THINK about it...........if this parent has treated you poorly, what makes you think they are going to "change" to get an invitation? And even if they said it, would they mean it and it certainly isn't going to change what's happened. If he has lost your trust (or whatever you want to call it), it isn't going to be fixed without years of rebuilding. And if you think telling them how bad they have been is going to make you feel better, be careful because I would be willing to bet money that their reaction is going to be even more traumatic than what you've already dealt with.

Now as to the cousin...............you said they had helped you a lot in the past. If you don't invite them, expect that relationship to go right down the drain, never to be seen again. If you're good with that, so be it, otherwise your fh needs to figure out that he's going to be so happy that he's not going to give a fig about who's on the fringes of your event.

Both you and your husband sound pretty naive and somewhat petty about human relationships.

Melissa, I had mentioned her in the original post because I thought I would have more characters to explain the entire situation better, then I realized I didn't have enough characters.

His sister has been working on repairing her relationship with FH...she started working on it before we announced we were getting married.

Parent and cousin are not out because he doesn't like them. Because if I wanted them there even if he didn't they would be there.