Not allowed to invite my friends to son’s wedding

If they are paying than you just have to respect their decision. Maybe you can throw a little something after they marry and invite them. A nice dinner to celebrate or so.

I understand where you're coming from. Big weddings with extended family and friends are the norm in my world as well, and I prefer big weddings (we had 90ish show and I was kind of sad). We likewise invited my inlaws' 8 friends/4 couples and then some. And I was happy to have them there. So if I was your DIL, and my DH was your son, we'd have no problem with one table of people.


That being said...you are definitely being unreasonable, because you aren't taking no for an answer. Some people for whatever reason want small weddings, and that includes your son and his fiance. They likely also cut people from her side, as well as mutual friends. So it's not just a matter of your 8 friends, but everyone else who didn't make the cut. You're right to at least offer to pay for them, but if they want a small wedding at the end of the day you have to respect that.

Maybe they don't want your financial help because they don't want to give up some of their freedom with their wedding to you. I think you need to understand that this is their wedding, their day. It's not a reunion party but a wedding. And it's completely unreasonable to try and have them give you a whole table for your friends. This is their day and they are allowed to have full control over the guests they want at their wedding. Don't be that person who trys to make them feel guilty and bad because they aren't inviting all the people you want. Again it's their day all about them.

View Quoted Comment This has absolutely nothing to do with age or having children. It's about respecting you adult child and his adult fiance making their own decisions about their big day that they are 100% paying for. Parents who think this way need to take a couple of steps back and realize that their childrens wedding isn't about them its about their children. It is selfish to think they should give up a whole table for your friends. Like someone has mentioned then that means they have to give up a whole table for her parents friend. Then they end up with a wedding that is more about their parents enjoying their reunion party that was supposed to be about the couple and their wedding. It's absolutely crazy that parents think that their kids should invite everyone that they ever met to their wedding. Just stop and respect your adult son and his fiances choices and be lucky they even allowed you to invite your one friend.

View Quoted Comment Ok, this is entitled. I'm 42, have raised two girls and had 2 weddings. The decisions on the guests are *entirely* those of the couple, regardless of who is paying. It seems your son knows you well if he has stated that money you contribute will go towards a down payment on a house. Do you expect a say in the location or style of the house as well?

Hi Deb. I get where you are coming from… it definitely was the norm to have more friends of the parents on the guest list in years past. I hope you and yours have a wonderful event.

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Lordy, this post makes you sound manipulative.

Ok, since you seem to think this is aged based. Some bluntness.

I'm 38. I was 36 when I got married. My husband was 29.

My parents were very generous and helped us pay, as we live in the NYC metro area, and it's super expensive just to survive.

My parents (father and stepmother) got to "invite" 2 people, whom *I have no only known since childhood, I consider to be family*. They had MET DH, as well, though we live too far apart to spend a lot of time with them. I had intended to invite them in the first place, dropped them off the guest list because of a conflict with my mother, and then put them back ON the guest list when my mother took herself OFF.

My ILs got to "invite" 3 people. And I use that in quotes, because one of them is basically a surrogate grandparent to DH, as well as me, as she is involved with every holiday gathering and we love her to pieces. The other 2? DH's GODPARENTS.

Yes, you are being entitled, attempting to control your *adult son* and his future wife (which will only serve to drive them both further away from you), and attempting to impose Big Wedding Rules on a fairly average size wedding for today. (We invited about 140, 80 people were able to make it.)

You have two choices here:

Gratefully accept that your son and FDIL are extending you a Plus One whom they may not know, and joyfully celebrate their union.

Or

Continue to throw a tantrum utterly unsuited to an adult, and gaslight the rest of the world into thinking that you are the victim, here.

Outside of older family and family friends on my list or my husband's, his parents and mine each invited 3 couples of their friends. But then we had 170 plus wedding party, no kids, easier to find space. At 75 guests, to give 12 people to the 2 sets of parents would be pretty steep for parent friends to be more than 1-2 couples.

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It is his and his fiancee's decision to make, so I feel as if you should respect that. I know you'd rather have more of your friends there, but I think you should just take the loss on this. I'm fine with inviting a lot of my parent's friends. I'm planning for a larger wedding, but with 75 people, it'd be difficult to accommodate all of them. I'm sure your son and his fiancee, have cut out more than just your friends from the guest list.

I do get where you are coming from. I know back in the day it was common to invite parents friends and the extended community. When my mom and dad got married, most of my grandfather's colleagues from work and their entire families came so did the entire church congregation. But this doesn't appear to be a thing now.

This wrenches my heart because my fiancé and I have had to do this to my FMIL, who wanted to invite a bunch of her friends. She also offered us money and, when we refused, she deposited the money into my fiancé’s account anyway (I guess she has access to it?)


I totally understand how you feel. I, myself, am old-school in thinking that weddings are celebrations participated in by the community of people that will support the couple throughout their marriage. And sometimes that includes the people who will support the people who support the couple. I wonder if in modern times the emphasis on what the individual wants, rather than what’s good for the family or community as a whole, is indirectly responsible for the high divorce rate.
That said, we are also trying to keep our wedding intimate, as weddings are extremely expensive. We’re only doing a semi-formal wedding and each person racks up to at least $150 with food and booze, and that’s not even counting the other expenses I don’t know about yet (I’ve started hearing stuff about wedding favors…? I’m new in the planning process). We have a mountain of student loan debt and we are trying to save for a home in a very expensive area. Thus, it stings a little less paying for this thing if we keep it small. The only guest we are allowing a +1 is my mother, who needs the emotional support of a friend to be around my dad and his new wife.
Please try to enjoy this day with them and let this one go. If they are like my fiancé and myself, they probably feel guilty and sad that everyone can’t be there, but they are trying to look out for the new family they are trying to build. And you’re a part of that. Lots of people can’t make it to weddings, even when invited, and it doesn’t change anything in the long run.

Also wanted to add that they won’t accept your money because they fear that more strings will be attached than simply paying for your friends. Many people, myself included, make a strong point of not accepting money from even well-intentioned people that I care about because no matter how hard we all try, feelings are always wrapped around money and it can poison a relationship.

Yea that's unreasonable. you have to remember that at the end of the day it isn't your wedding to plan, so if they aren't wanting to give you people to invite, it is what it is ya know?

There's definitely a reason your son and his fiancé have rejected your offer to help pay, because then you would hold that money over their heads to get those eight people invited. It's exactly what my FH and I have been doing.

We want to be able to celebrate how we chose to, and that means inviting the people we love and admire rather than inviting friends of our parents. It's our day, not our parents.

It is a very old school way of thinking, but there has been a paradigm shift in the wedding industry. It's no longer about the families celebrating, it's very much about the couple.

You're going to have to adjust and be happy that they're allowing you a couple of friends and go from there. If your friends get upset that they're not invited, even though your son may have grown up around these people, just explain that your son and DIL are doing an intimate event, and you're respecting their choice.

Not respecting it and talking bad about their decision behind their back to the friends you want to invite will only end in ruining your relationship with your son, so tread lightly.

I agree with the previous comments. It has nothing to do with age - if the couple were in their 60s and getting married, they get to decide their guest list. If the couple is in their 20s and getting married, they still get to decide their guest list. Weddings can be expensive to host, and adding even just a few extra guests can add up quickly. Plus, however many guests they allow you to invite, means that they need to offer the bride's parents the same number for them to invite (you would likely be upset if they allowed the bride's parents to invite 8 guests, but only allowed you 2 guests). That goes from an extra 8 guests to an extra 16 guests. If it costs them $100 per person (for example), that's an additional $1,600 that they would now have to spend to accommodate the extra people. You have every right to feel disappointed that they aren't able to accommodate everyone that you wanted to include, but it is unreasonable to continue to demand that they include them after they've already said no.

I personally don't think it's unreasonable at all and think it's a little selfish of brides/grooms who think that way. That said they're not actually doing anything wrong.

They are being perfectly reasonable by planning the wedding they want. I have tons of family friends of my moms who I love dearly, but I did not want them at my wedding. She was upset, like you. But I am soooooo happy we drew those lines. We were able to have a wedding with *our* immediate friends and immediate family rather than my *parents* friends and their uncles/ransoms.

Haven’t read all of the comments, but I agree that you would be overstepping if you try to push the issue. I am 41 & have two children. Even though it is considered proper “etiquette” to do so, I would never expect to have any say in the guest list even if I was paying for a portion (or all of it). Your son & his FW have elected to pay for the wedding themselves, meaning they don’t want the strings that come with having someone else’s money.
A wedding, especially a small one, should be filled with people the COUPLE values most. Those that THEY consider family. If your friends are not on that list then you should accept that & move on & be very happy that you raised a son who can stand his ground.

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Well I am 56 and have two college aged sons, and yes you are overstepping. It is their wedding, their day. I had two weddings and a possible future mother of the groom my job is to wear beige and be quiet and sit where they tell me. My only request will be: don't make me dance with your dad, lol. Photos and a shared dinner table would not bother me.....no touching, lol.