Deb

Not allowed to invite my friends to son’s wedding

Deb, on June 6, 2021 at 7:04 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 74
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My son and his fiancée are paying for their wedding. I have offered numerous times to help but they want to do it themselves. They want keep the wedding at 75 people and i am allowed 2 family friends. I have always believed a wedding as a celebration for the family. I am not asking for a third of the people I’m asking for one table of 8 people. My son knows the same people as I’ve been family friends since his birth.
Is that unreasonable?

74 Comments

Latest activity by Abby, on June 22, 2021 at 3:40 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Yes, it’s unreasonable. Your son and his future spouse have decided what they want their wedding to look like and who they want there. This table of 8 people might seem like no big deal to you, but that would be 10% of their guest list. Do any of the people you want invited have a relationship with the couple? Your son knows them, but does his fiancée?
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    His fiancé does not know them but we had even vacationed with a few of them.
    I am just shocked because I thought a child’s wedding it’s a milestone that would want be celebrated by the parents also. These 4 couples have been with our family through this journey.
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  • L
    Lisa ·
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    A wedding is a celebration of a union between two people and those two people are 100% in charge of who gets to celebrate that union with them. Those who the couple views as family and friends are completely different than someone else’s opinion. If your son and his fiancé are paying for it themselves, this only reinforces that want. They do not want it to become someone else’s family reunion. They want it be their wedding day whose sole purpose and focus is on them, as it should be.
    I think it’s wonderful that you want to celebrate the wedding as well! Why not offer to host a post wedding celebration? You can have complete control of the guest list and invite those important to you.
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    My son knows them very well as we have even vacationed with some of them. I am just shocked that while raising a child into adulthood and at this wonderful milestone that they don’t feel the parent wants to share the joy with a few friends That have been with them through this journey
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    I must be old-school. They are having a wedding at a beautiful venue with 75 people and it can hold up to 150 so that is not an issue.
    I am just surprised that I would be expected to have a separate party to celebrate their day. Again, I would be happy to pay for my 4 couples. I never thought this would have ever been an issue… I just don’t get it. I can’t believe they my son and his fiancé wouldn’t think I would want lifetime friends at their wedding. To me it is shortsighted that they can’t see that this is such a wonderful important day to me too
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    They gave you the ability to invite a few friends and it isn’t good enough for you. If they don’t even know the person he’s marrying, they obviously haven’t been too involved in the journey.
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    And, when I offered to help with the wedding they say now they want to pay for their wedding but the money I wanted to give can’t go to the down payment of their home. Really?
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    Hmmm, I am really trying to understand because I have a great relationship with my son and his fiancée. You really think 4 couples to my son’s wedding is overstepping? Maybe it is but I just don’t see it that way.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I believe that it's overstepping to question a couple's decisions on their own wedding that they're paying for. I'd guess they don't want to accept the money from you for the wedding because they already know that taking that money from you means they'll need to invite these people your son's future spouse doesn't even know. Not knowing 8 people at a wedding with 80 people is a lot. You're equating not being able to invite these people with being slighted by your son and sometimes it's as simple as a couple not wanting people at their wedding that don't know both parties getting married.

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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    Correction, they gave me the ability to invite one friend. One friend?
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  • Jasmine E.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine E. ·
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    They want an intimate affair with people who are closest to both of them. It doesn't matter that the venue can hold more. You may think these 8 friends of yours are important, but have they met his fiancé? Has he even spoken to these people since he was in high school/college?
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    I suppose. As they say life is not fair so when I’m thinking I can’t believe that you can raise your child and do for them because you love and adore them and want the best for them that you would think that when they finally are financially independent and adults that they would allow you and want you to be able to share this joy with a few friends. But parents now, life is not fair and just because you given gift to your children, you can’t expect anything in return.
    And to you… I should just be happy and thrilled that I’m invited
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  • L
    Lisa ·
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    Your son’s fiancé does not know any of these people. Again, they are paying for it and want to invite those important to them.
    I don’t believe you are being slighted at all.
    8 people at a party capped at 75 is a lot. It doesn’t matter how big the venue is, the couple set a budget and are 100% in control of how that money gets used and who is invited. IMO, them telling you your financial contribution is welcome but will go towards a down payment on a house is only reinforcing the clear fact that they want to be in charge of their wedding day. They know any money coming from someone else to help pay for wedding has strings attached. Please sit back and enjoy this journey and allow your son and his fiancé to plan their wedding without problems. You are not being slighted in any way. Your son and fiancé are being adults, paying for their own wedding, and want to enjoy it with those most important to the both of them. Again, you are not being slighted in any way. Please enjoy this milestone.
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Honestly with the attitude you're portraying in this post and your subsequent comments, yes you should be thrilled you're invited. You aren't owed anything for raising your child. Your son is starting life with someone. He doesn't owe you an entire table of friends at his wedding. If you want to celebrate that your child is getting married with your friends, go out one night with your friends and talk about how excited you are that your son is getting married. Also, gifts shouldn't be given with the expectation of anything in return. Those are strings, and exactly what I said in my previous comments, the strings are exactly why they aren't accepting money from you for the wedding.

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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    It seems to me that the few people who have replied are probably about the age of my son… Late 20's and no children yet. I could be wrong but it’s just a guess. Wait until you’re In your 60's have raised your children and given them the best you could emotionally and financially and you get… Our wedding our day
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  • Jasmine E.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine E. ·
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    How about instead of complaining you decide which 2 friends you're going to invite. (Or is it only 1 friend like you said later? If so, you could at least make the case to invite that person with their spouse.)
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    I'm actually in my mid-30s and I'm a mom of two. I'm hopeful that my children will have the wedding they and each of their partners want. I will not even ask them for me to be invited if they choose elopement. Your son is an adult. His future spouse is an adult. They are allowed to make decisions for themselves. That's what you should be hopeful for as a parent. That you've raised your child to be a strong, independent person and that someday they find someone to share their life with on their terms.

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  • L
    Lisa ·
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    You are so off base with this comment. So off base.
    Stop the guilt and dramatics. It will ruin the entire experience for everyone involved. And yes, if this attitude is what you are projecting onto your son and his fiancé, you “should be happy and thrilled that” you’re invited.
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  • Deb
    Deb ·
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    I can appreciate all you’re saying. I guess I come from a tradition where weddings were shared by the grooms family, brides family and the bride and groom and everyone got to invite some family and friends. Obviously that is not the norm or tradition for my son and his fiancée.
    I will certainly enjoy the day. I just thought To have a few friends to share this special moment would have been nice....Not mandatory, just nice.



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  • L
    Lisa ·
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    Again, stop. Their wedding day is not about you.
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