Non Bridesmaid wearing bridesmaid dress?

To go look at dresses. I knew she had been talking to my mom (who all but promised she would buy my 25 year old sister a dress to wear) and had been pretty irritated and upset about this decision, mostly because I feel she doesn't deserve to get a new one (lots of other factors contribute to this).

So my sister mentions that she is planning on getting a BRIDESMAID dress in purple (my girls are wearing lavender) so that she coordinates in photos and looks semi part of the bridal party. She said that she didn't want to be at the wedding looking completely like she wasn't a bridesmaid and then have guests wondering what happened between us that she wasn't standing up.

The way I am looking at this is that she is trying to make herself appear as though she is part of the bridal party who gets to wear another dress because she's my sister. I don't like this. I don't want this. And I'm pretty pissed about this. If ANYONE should be wearing another color dress then it should my current MOH and BFF, not my sister whom I am not close with.

I'm trying to decide how to best bring up the discussion and am thinking with my mom first and talking to her about my feelings on this but part of me wonders if I am over reacting? How would you feel?

I would be furious! She flat out chose to not be apart of your BP then has the nerve to still want a dress so she kinda looks like she's in the BP & so people won't wonder what happened. She should have thought about what people would think before she decided to drop out.

I am always amazed at how cray cray bitches can be.

I don't think you're overreacting. She sounds delusional!

No, you are so not overreacting. I would be pissed too and incredibly hurt that she care more about her stupid pride than trying to make things right. If it bother you that much that she would pick a dress similar to the bridesmaid dress, you should definitely say something to her. Don't wait until it is too later. You don't want to look back at your wedding pictures wondering why you ever let her get away with that.

Edited one word

I would flat out tell her if she showed up to my wedding in that dress I would not allow her in the pictures at all. This is ridiculous...talk about someone being all about appearances.

I didn't even think last night to mention going to Macys or Notdstroms too look first but that's going to be my first course of action, other than expressing these concerns as I stated them above to my mom. My hope is that if I mention going shopping "off the rack" for a dress she would be more likely to wear again that my mom will agree with me and see my POV. regardless, I will veto every purple dress I see. It just baffles me how both her and my mom (if she knows that my sister plans on wearing a bridesmaid dress) think that there is nothing wrong with this

I would have a heart-to-heart with her - ask her why it's important to her to wear a bridesmaid dress if she's not in the wedding.

But I do have questions…

1) Is she wanting a general bridesmaid dress or the same one as your bridal party is wearing?

2) Is she likely to buy the dress without telling you?

If she's adamant, I'd let it go because (a) you'll drive yourself crazy trying to control people you can't and (b) the guests will think something is off if she's in a bridesmaid dress and NOT standing with you guys. It'll reflect poorly on her.

@EricaTX:

The bridal party all has different Bill Levkoff dresses (long chiffon) in Violet (but its really a lavender). So her wearing ANY purple dress would look, in my opinion, as though it was planned and exactly how I wanted to be. Granted she has no idea what dresses the girls picked out because she never made it that far in the planning process as MOH. She WON'T be the buying the dress because she's broke and can't afford it. My mom already said something to her about buying her one (my stepdad and I both disagree) and thats what she's planning on happening. I can use that and work with my mom to be sure that I can monitor the dress she chooses so thats what I'm hoping can happen to control this issue.

My feeling is that she knowingly and intentionally chose the day she knew FH and I were taking photos to try and hurt us as well as put A LOT of nasty bullshit on my FB that day and since I only saw her start her temper tantrum right before we left to get photos done and refused to look at my phone all day, that stuff was out there all day for my FILs to see and was so mean and petty it was embarrassing. I don't think she DESERVES any special treatment or recognition at the wedding which is why I am so pissed about this current turn of events.

When my mom and I were at the florist for a meeting and naming off the people other than the bridal party to be recognized my mom asked if I was going to get my sister a corsage or anything to set her a part and I said absolutely not. She will be invited to my wedding as a guest and I will let her sit at my dad's table during the reception out of a courtesy to my parents, but thats it. I don't feel that she be allowed to get away with hurting people and then get exactly what she wants by wearing a corsage and a bridesmaid dress

I understand being upset about this (and I would be too) but it might be hard to tell a 25 year old girl that she can't buy a certain color dress just because that's the color your bridesmaids are wearing. I completely get the back story, and it sounds like she's trying to cover her ass by making it so guests/family don't wonder why she isn't standing up, but at the same time- she's a grown woman. Even if she wasn't in your bridal party to begin with, there is a chance she would want to buy a new dress for the occasion of her sister's wedding, and there is a chance she would get purple knowing those were your colors so she could coordinate in pictures. Heck, my mom even got her dress in a color similar to my BMs so she matches.

What a brat, she is making it all about her. This is your wedding. Who cares if people wonder why she is not in the wedding party. I am not including my sister. I am assuming she will eat two bites of her $60 meal and leave early.

What a PITA. How direct can you be with her? "The reason you won't look like you're part of the bridal party is because you're not."

Whoa! What is her problem? You are not overreacting. I would be so pissed. If she does wear a purple dress at least it won't be the same as the other BM's plus she's not getting a corsage or anything and I would stick to that.

@8815 I don't think it's the color that is as big of a deal as her wanting to buy and actual bridesmaid dress.

Of course some guests may end up wearing the same color as the BMs. No big deal, it happens. But to wear an actual BM dress to a wedding is ridiculous. This is why I never understand the concept of brides thinking their girls will actually wear the (formal) dress again.

Sorry you are going through this Maltese. I don't have a sister so I don't have any advice because I don't understand the dynamic.

She's a brat! I don't blame you for being pissed about this. I think explaining it to your mom would be the best. Don't sugar coat anything, she needs to know how serious you are about this.

I don't think you are overreacting. She is acting crazy. But I also don't think anyone will think she is a bridesmaid especially since all your girls are wearing different dresses.

I can understand you not wanting her to wear a bridesmaid dress but is it really worth the drama it would cause to try and dictate what she is going to wear. People will know who the bridesmaids are because for the ceremony they will walk and after that they will be announced into the reception and they will have bouquets. Is it worth a lifetime of aggravation for one day? Plus she as you said she will be sitting with your dad and not with the wedding party. I think the other guests will understand that she is not part of the wedding no matter what kind of dress she has.

I agree with Teresa. She said it on spot!

I also don't think it's wrong to wear a bridesmaid dress to a wedding. Not everyone likes to spend money on something and never wear it again. (Of course not really the case for your sister ...but just saying in reply to "people don't wear formal colored dresses to weddings .."

I don't blame you one bit for being upset. your day as a bride is to be able to have a day of picking out colors and dresses, things you won't normally do.

but...........

reality is still reality. if she is dead set on wearing a flower, and a bridesmaid dress close to what the actual bridesmaids are wearing, there's really no way you can stop her.

as for her trying to look like a member of the bridal party, that's all she's doing. looking similar, but if she's not standing up, seems that's going to be obvious to everyone. IMO she's not making herself look like part of the bridal party, but like someone who is mad that they aren't part of the bridal party!

I would probably feel the same as you, but you can only control so much in the end. if you really want to try to throw her plan, is there any way that you can have the bridesmaids wear a color she doesn't know about? the only way I can imagine you being able to do that is not pull a switch without your mom knowing and in the end that may do more harm then good.

I actually doubt that your mom really thinks this is a good idea, she's both your moms and is probably just trying to do all she can to not fight with either of you, no matter what she may say on the matter.

if I had a dollar for every time I've sat in a hot tub at the gym and heard women go on about things like this, and how they 99.9% of the time side with the bride. feeling that the other daughter is being a brat and needs to grow up. they just vent to us other ladies at the gym because they can't say how they feel to others with out getting in the middle.

try not to be upset with mom, she's probably just stuck.

I do understand your feelings.

here's my confession a day late..........

a few years back a relative was mad at me and didn't want me attending a certain function that she had more of a 'in' on through her husband. everyone else that I knew tied in with the event wanted me and the hubby to go.

so months before the event I contacted the powers that be and got tickets for me and my hubby without telling the relative.

the day of the event, my husband called the relatives house and casually asked if they were going. it went like this

"oh! sorry you are bringing this up so late, would would have loved for you to attend but the tickets are all sold out!"

"I'm so glad to hear you say that! (me) bought our tickets weeks ago! we'll see you there! "

ok, I was no saint for doing this since I knew they didn't want me there, but, I did have every right to do what I did, and they made the choice to act the way they did about it when my husband brought it up.

but man, does it put a smile on my face when I think about it! lol

up to you if you want to try and blow your sisters plan, or just go with it.

please keep up updated on how it goes-

either way, you are the bride, not about your sister and everyone knows that. IMO she's just making herself look silly - I'm sure others will agree even if they don't actually tell you that!

good luck!

@Jewles If you are going to quote me, then quote me, don't change the words. The color has nothing to do with wearing it again. A "formal" or should I say typical BM dress (meaning from David's Bridal, Allure, Bill Levkoff, etc.) is very distinguishable as a BM and it's weird to wear to a wedding you're not in. Spending the money on the dress is just part of being a BM and odds are I would never wear the dress again, nor would I expect my girls to wear theirs again. Rent the Runway is a beautiful thing.

Maltese I think you are totally justified for feeling the way you do. In pictures, it will absolutely look like she is trying to be a BM and it will raise questions as to why she is dressed like a BM and not standing up with you. Yes, it will reflect poorly on her, but it's not something you should have to deal with on your day. And I feel bad that your mom is supporting it. It's a crappy situation.

Elyse has it pretty much spot on. It's not so much the fact of the color but that she wants to wear and ACTUAL bridesmaid dress....for half the cost of an average BM dress she can find a beautiful one at a department store. And she's wanting to go to the salon where I got my dress and my mom got her MOB dress. There aren't any dresses there but bridal, MOB/MOG and bridesmaids. Not even prom dresses. Hell, if rather have her find one of those than a bridesmaid.

I'm just hoping to either steer her away from this or that she's such a procrastinator that she doesn't decide to actually go look until after the time frame for it to be ordered and come in safely passes. I'm fairly confident I can convince her to go to a department store but at the same time she's a bit of a stubborn ass wild card