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Angela
March 2020

No-shows at wedding

Angela, on August 5, 2020 at 11:40 PM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 58

How did you deal with guests who did not show at your wedding after RSVP-ing? Did you end up brushing it off or just moved on and never speak to the guests? I just need advice to handle this. I was very hurt that there were guests who did not show or did last minute declines (day before). Most of...
How did you deal with guests who did not show at your wedding after RSVP-ing? Did you end up brushing it off or just moved on and never speak to the guests? I just need advice to handle this. I was very hurt that there were guests who did not show or did last minute declines (day before). Most of the reasons was the virus. I feel like it puts both parties in awkward situations when we see each other.

58 Comments

  • Queen Cone
    Devoted September 2020
    Queen Cone ·
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    Then they should call the second they know theyre not coming. no reason to just not show up Smiley smile
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  • Angela
    March 2020
    Angela ·
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    Beautifully said Kate! I went on this forum for guidance and to see the different perspectives of this matter. It gave me insight on ways to handle no-shows with understanding and empathy. There are different sides to each situation and each guests have to make the best decisions for themselves. Even if that decision included not having the courtesy to even give a reason or advance notice for not coming to an event, I would need to be the bigger person to brush it off like many of the contributors have said. We all have control of how we act, regardless of the emotions we feel about each given situation. I believe no-shows are inevitable to any event, covid or no covid. We do not need to put blame on any parties but be more empathetic and courteous to one another. We all need a little kindness and understanding these days.
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  • Katharine
    Expert July 2021
    Katharine ·
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    Let it go. Especially in these times. Things happen, and COVID conditions are changing rapidly. I cannot imagine cutting someone I loved out of my life because they didn't feel safe attending my wedding.

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  • Kalynne
    Savvy July 2021
    Kalynne ·
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    I absolutely agree with you. If you continue with your wedding during a pandemic, you are accepting the fact there will be people who decide it’s unsafe who already committed to being there. It’s not ok to get upset with them for putting their health and safety first.
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  • K
    Devoted August 2020
    Kate ·
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    There is still no acceptable reason to no-show. Putting your health and safety first doesn’t mean it’s okay to cowardly not show up rather than calling to let the couple know you changed your mind and will no longer be coming. And in that case, if you already RSVP’d as a yes, you should give a gift.
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  • Florida Marlins
    Expert October 2017
    Florida Marlins ·
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    I agree, and it is an invite, not a summons. But a call/text/email to let you know would be nice, some people just won't do that! Frustrating, I know!!

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  • Kelly
    Dedicated September 2020
    Kelly ·
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    Queen Cone I agree with you 100%. Obviously like you said if someone HAS Covid it’s a different story but at this point people should expect things to change and make their decision regardless. Especially if you told them they are basically on the elite list of people since you had to reduce your guest count. If I was in your situation and still had people flake after I would be pissed. (Unless they had Covid/were in the hospital or injured). Our wedding is 2 weeks before yours and we have had some people drop out but we are still at 135. My final head count is due Monday and it’s $175 per person- meaning even 1 couple not showing up runs me out of $350. I don’t think people realize how rude it is not to show up to a wedding- it’s so expensive!! I understand covid is a thing but at this point (unless they have the virus/are in hospital) people have made their decision to care or not care.
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  • Queen Cone
    Devoted September 2020
    Queen Cone ·
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    Thank you!!! maybe we’re just old fashioned for thinking this way but i still believe in etiquette!
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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    Gifts are irrelevant to the issue. There should be no expectation of giving a gift, even if you do attend the wedding.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    It depends on the reason. Our only no shows had a baby the night before. One of my sisters, three no shows because o e of the three roommates died in a car accident the night before. And another sister, more than 20 grooms friends and their SO ( I think 28 total) got a chance to buy a group of tickets to a ball game at half price, and after all RSVPing yes the week before, knew 10 days before the wedding they were all not coming, thus wives and girlfriends not. Over 100 per person down the drain , would have changed numbers no charge 4 days out if anyone called. Not one called.
    Obviously, Pass, pass, never speak to again.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    Unless it is the first week of lockdown, the hosts need to be more understanding about why people decline. But there is no excuse for guests not making up their minds while numbers can still be changed, and simply not showing up with no notice, except an emergency.
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  • Kalynne
    Savvy July 2021
    Kalynne ·
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    Her date shows March 14, that’s right before lockdown and eight after US shut down international travel. I think it’s fair to say that there were plenty of other things on people’s minds. BUT I would I also say a pandemic is an emergency. It’s crappy that people didn’t at least call her, but I honestly question if they should have told her before or called after. There is enough stress that goes into those last few weeks, calling the week of, day of, or week after doesn’t make that big of a difference because you have still already paid for everything by that point. The only difference is not blowing up your phone while you’re getting ready and could put that energy somewhere else rather than fretting about endless calls of cancellations. Not saying it’s right... a friend of mine got married on September in a Sunday, almost 30% of her RSVP’s that answered yes no-showed... that’s more upsetting to me, it’s ore laziness not worried about health. I’ve postponed twice now specifically to avoid this issue but OP’s date obviously is a bit different with it really being the start of the US taking this seriously.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    In the first week one does not know. But most caterers will adjust numbers of meals cooked up to 3 or 5 days from an event. Which for meals $50 to $125 matters a lot, if many people. It also can leave tables with 6-8 missing which a hostess might rearrange so no guests sit alone at a table. Courtesy is to call.
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  • K
    Devoted August 2020
    Kate ·
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    I respectfully disagree.
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  • Leanne
    Super September 2020
    Leanne ·
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    That’s a tough one. I think I just wouldn’t go out of my way to reach out to them at all afterwards, if they didn’t call/let someone know they couldn’t come. I put a message on my wedding website if they feel uncomfortable or sick, to please stay home. But please let us know. We are also with a reduced number, and they know that. So no call or notice is inconsiderate. A text is an easy, non-confrontational way to let someone know you can’t make it.
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  • L
    Expert September 2020
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    I understand your frustration completely because that’s money you wasted. But if your wedding was actually March 14 thats right when the world was starting to close and they may have freaked out at the last minute. In that case, it still sucks but I would cut these people slack because that was most likely the reason rather than just being rude
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  • Vicky
    VIP January 2020
    Vicky ·
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    Why are you so obsessed with presents? You've mentioned it several times.

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  • K
    Devoted August 2020
    Kate ·
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    I am not “obsessed with presents,” but I do value respect, etiquette and common courtesy. I think it is very inappropriate to respond yes to a wedding, and then no-show. That means the couple paid for you to be there and to eat and drink. The LEAST you can do to make up for that is give them a gift. It cost my husband and I $110 per person for our wedding, so for someone to just not show up without telling us, unless they were on their death bed, is extremely careless and rude. That is my opinion and you don’t have to agree with me, but I would never do that to anyone.
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