Newly engaged and unsure about budgeting/who is paying?

You should never really ask for money for your wedding. Have a wedding you guys can afford yourselves and split evenly between the both of you.

No one is responsible for paying for your wedding except you two. If anyone offers, that's great, but it is not something your fiance should be expecting in this day and age. Back when it was traditional for the bride's family to pay, things were very different: 1. Women were more or less considered property and the family paid to give her away to the groom. 2. Weddings were very cheap (even when factoring in inflation) and were not the grand weddings we see today (think church rec room instead of ballroom). I would start planning and budgeting based on what you two can afford and if anyone offers to contribute, then you can factor that in. We originally intended on a small courthouse wedding and dinner with immediate family afterwards because that's what we could afford and we were fine with it. Our parents, when hearing our plan, said they would contribute money for a more traditional wedding and we ended up splitting the cost equally three ways. The biggest expense is food. You can have a lovely wedding without a lot of money if you have a small guest list and do something like cake and punch during a non-meal time. I also know plenty of people who opted for the courthouse and plan on doing a big vow renewal 10 years down the line or so when they are more established. Marriage is about compromise, so one of the first things you should figure out is how you two want to balance the goals of saving for a traditional wedding and buying a house in a way that makes both of you happy.

I agree with PPs, the idea that the brides family is solely responsible for paying for the wedding is an outdated tradition. If your dad offers, great. If your fiancés family offers, great! If they don’t, then I’d assume you guys need to plan a wedding that you can pay for yourselves. I completely understand the pressure of wanting to save for other things while still early in your career but it comes down to making sacrifices. I’m the same way actually, and my husband has to remind me that saving takes time and it’s good to have goals but you have to remember to be realistic of the situation. Aka the dream wedding and house deposit might not happen in the same year if you’re just starting out - and that is okay! You and your fiancé need to decide and agree on what is the most important thing for you as a couple. If it’s buying a house, you could have an affordable and intimate wedding with a limited guest count. It might not be the big blow out of your dreams but you would be married. You could also have a reception or vow renewal with all the bells and whistles later once you’re more established. Or you could put off house hunting to pay for the wedding it sounds like you both want. It’ll definitely come down to compromise, which most things in marriage do!

In this day and time the only ones responsible for a wedding is the bride and groom. Save and have a wedding you both can afford. Going into the planning stage my FH and I planned to pay for everything ourselves and we were actually surprised learning that our parents were eager to pay for a few things. Plus, couples are super creative now more than ever. There are lots of alternative ways to have weddings that are also cost effective. Good luck!!

Generally the couple pay for the wedding, however dependent on your circumstances and cultures, it is not uncommon for families to contribute.
I come from a background where the parents (and grandparents) invite all their friends and they play a big role in the wedding financially. So my wedding cost is being split between my FH and I, his parents, and the majority contributor, my parents. Some people here think it’s ludicrous but it’s the norm in my culture.
In saying this, you and your FH have completely different backgrounds and expectations here. I think you need to sit down with your FH and discuss two things : (1) whether you will save for a home of your own and elope, OR have a big wedding, and (2) if you do have a wedding, that your father is not obligated to pay for all or part of your wedding, and if he does, it will be on his own merits voluntarily. If your FH’s family want to pay for your wedding because they want it to be a big traditional event, sure, they’re welcome to do that, but you need to lay down the law before they think any more of this. Be prepared for a bumpy ride though - good luck!

I’m old fashioned my parents are paying. Grooms side payinf zero.

Well put it like this i dont me personally me and my husband didnt expect anyone to paid for our wedding. Times changed and parents sometimes cant afford these big lavish weddings we may want. I dont feel thafs anyone responsibility but the two ppl who want the wedding. However if family members such as our parents want to pick up a task or bill to pay for why not...some ppl dont have parents who can pay for a wedding. That's by choice.

My fiancé and I are paying for our wedding. My mother and step-father paid for most of our venue (they wouldn’t let us say otherwise), but my father, and his father haven’t made any contributions. We haven’t asked, and we won’t because it’s our wedding.
Traditionally it’s the bride’s family who pays, but my family is not wealthy at all, and neither are we, but that’s why we are having a wedding we can afford. Good luck with your planning!

Maybe try to come an agreement with your fiancé and father? I didn't have to ask my dad for help but I knew he would; I also knew that it wasn't right for my dad or fiancé to pay for the majority of things by themselves. (I was pretty much living paycheck to paycheck so I couldn't really pay for big expenses, but I paid for the smaller things like invitations, welcome sign, guest sign in board etc.) Anyways, for our wedding my fiancé and father went 50/50 each and it worked just fine.

Also, his parents offered to help too and they paid for cakes and for our String duo.

Me and FH are paying for majority of the wedding. It was unexpected but my family gave us some money to use towards the wedding/honeymoon and FH’s mom is going to help with the rehearsal dinner. Not for a second did either of us expect each others families to help. Especially in this day and age I don’t know how you can expect someones family/your family to foot a bill that can be upwards of 20k.


We just started getting on our feet when we got engaged. The best thing to do is start a savings and make sure you contribute what you can to that savings. There are many options for smaller scale weddings. Having a small backyard wedding with catering can be affordable, restaurant receptions, renting out a beach house, etc.
I think FH needs to realize that not everyone’s family is as well off as his. Some parents want to pay for the wedding and thats ok but its not something that should be expected

I’m sorry it’s taking the fun away from being newly engaged!


So yes traditionally, the brides family pays. But that’s an old tradition. In our case my parents are paying for half, and I personally am paying half. My FH is paying for honeymoon.
You will feel 10000% better once you talk to your dad. I wouldn’t ask for money, just an open-ended “hey were thinking about how to budget for the wedding, what are your thoughts?”

I would proceed as if you are paying for your own wedding unless told otherwise. We are paying for our own wedding and nobody has offered to pay for anything, and that is just fine. Obviously some people still get family contributions, but I would say that should not be assumed. I personally wouldn't broach a topic with my parents about money - if they want to give you money, they will.

It is not anyone's responsibility to pay for a party except the couple having it. If family wants to offer and contribute, great. But to expect someone else to pay is quite rude. Just because someone has a good job or seems to make a good living, doesn't mean they can afford the cost of a wedding. Most people don't discuss their bills and debts with people so to just assume that someone can pay for something is incredibly presumptuous. Have the wedding you and your future spouse can afford. My FH and I are ok financially but to pay for a big lavish wedding was not in our budget or what we wished to spend large amounts of money on so we chose to go a more laid back route and are having our wedding with 160 guests for $5000. That was what we collectively decided would be a more reasonable compromise so we could have the wedding we wanted, but in a budget we could do ourselves. My parents are helping with some small things, but the bulk of the costs are covered by us. There are many ways to save money on a wedding. So ultimately, discuss with your future spouse how much the two of you could reasonably set aside for a wedding and base your plans off of that number.

I agree with comments above. I would never ask anyone for money. We set a budget we could comfortably afford and didn't ask anyone for money, however both sets of parents graciously offered to help once we started wedding planning.

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If you're following the old fashioned rule the grooms family should pay for the rehearsal dinner.

View Quoted Comment You would think. they havent offered

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Some people only like traditions when they don't have to open their pockets lol. Maybe they'll come around.

View Quoted Comment Yes we’ll see

I would plan for the wedding you and your fiance can afford on your own. Then if your parents or his offer to contribute, you can up your budget. But to be safe, I'd just plan whatever you both can afford. It's super old school to think the bride's parents should foot the bill, especially with the average wedding cost being above 30k. My father paid for our entire wedding, but out of all our friends we are literally the ONLY couple that had that. All the rest were split between both sets of parents (whatever they can contribute) and the bride and groom. I didn't ask my father for money towards the wedding, he came to me and offered.