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Expert October 2021

Needing to vent

Sarah, on April 7, 2021 at 3:00 PM Posted in Community Conversations 0 61

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Has anyone else had issues with family members being negative towards you and your fiancé? My mom keeps being negative about everything I tell her I’m excited about with wedding planning. She keeps telling me that I don’t have my own thoughts and I’m just going along with what my fiancé wants. My fiancé and I talk about everything and we come up with ideas together. She is mad now because I told her, we are planning on honeymooning in California. I told her we are planning on going to Disneyland, Knott’s Berry farm, and the ocean because that is what my fiancé and I want to do. She keeps telling me that is what he wants to do and I will regret it as I get older. That going to Disneyland is like us going to Six Flags or down the street to the Las Vegas strip. That everyone goes there, that we should go to Disney World instead, my fiancé and I, neither one of us desires to go to Disney World. Plus this trip is only the small one. Because we decided we wanted to do a small trip this year after we get married and a big extravagant trip next year. I told my mom that and she is like you won’t have money next year for the trip. My fiancé and I have been saving for the big trip. I’m sorry, I just needed to vent.

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61 Comments

Latest activity by Natalie, on April 10, 2021 at 9:44 AM

June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 7, 2021 at 3:06 PM
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Wow! What is her real issue? Maybe her feelings are sincere and maybe she truly does feel this way, but when someone takes it as far as criticizing every little thing that you and your fiancé plan, there’s usually a little bit of possible jealousy....What do you think he gives her the impression that these are all your fiancé’s desires? Has anything ever happened in thePast to give her that impression
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Master January 2022
SLY · on April 7, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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My mom has been doing something similar, but it's more of FH and I prioritizing his family over hers, basically she's making it a 'who's family is liked the most' competition when it's not lol.
I just had to stop including her in any wedding conversations. If she tried to be included in planning, I let her know that once she starts making the same rude comments, the conversation will end there and she won't be involved going forward. Since then, she's been a lot better and has kept her thoughts to herself.
Also, if you're the only child, the youngest, or the only girl, your mom could just be lashing out because it's a bittersweet moment for you both. That's another thing I had to think about with my mom. They want the best for us, but don't realize that the way they go about things is not the right way, and is actually more hurtful than helpful.
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on April 7, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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I’m not sure what her motive is, but based on some of your previous posts your mom sounds extremely toxic. If I were in your situation, I would not share any further wedding or wedding-related details with her. Or really any details of my personal life at all, until she can start being supportive. Do you think your mother would be open to going to counseling with you? It sounds like it could be very beneficial to your relationship with her.
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Expert October 2021
Sarah · on April 7, 2021 at 3:13 PM
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I honestly don’t know. Because most of the time she is like oh he is doing things his family wants him to do, he needs to stop doing what his family wants. He needs to break out of his families control. It does not matter what I tell her it is usually he is doing something his family wants him to do. Now it is pretty much he is brain washing me and I can’t think for myself. She sits at home on the couch, does not work, does not hangout with friends, she only wants her family around her all day long. My fiancé and I live together, she gets mad at me if I go and hangout with my friends on the weekends instead of being with her.
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Rockstar July 2019
Veronica · on April 7, 2021 at 3:14 PM
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It sounds like she just very supportive so I would stop sharing any details with her other than ones she really needs like when to be where for the wedding.
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Expert October 2021
Sarah · on April 7, 2021 at 3:18 PM
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I don’t really know why she is acting this way. I’m the second daughter and the second oldest, my older sister is already married and now it is my turn. She does not want to help wedding plan because that is to much work. She has been nagging me lately about finishing up my wedding planning. My fiancé and O are getting married end of October. The only things we don’t have done are invites (which don’t have to be mailed out yet), flowers (which I want to make my own, she wants me to order them), a DJ, the guys need to get their tuxes, the bridesmaids and flower girls need to get their dresses, and party favors. She expects that we should have all of that done by end of the month.
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Expert October 2021
Sarah · on April 7, 2021 at 3:22 PM
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I don’t think she would consider that. She is toxic and she does not think there is anything wrong with her except for the depression her doctor diagnosed her with. She has been like this my whole life. She likes to tell me now that when she does in the future I will regret not doing all of these things she has been telling me to do. I also don’t really share anything with her. I was so excited to share with her about the honeymoon and then she ruined that. The honeymoon is the first wedding planning thing I have told her about in awhile.
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Master January 2022
SLY · on April 7, 2021 at 3:22 PM
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You still have time to get all of that ready, so don't feel like you have to meet her expectations!
Sounds like she's just a very judgmental person with a toxic personality. I'd just keep her away from any wedding planning talk to keep you sane. If she tries to talk about it, change the subject. I'm sorry you're having to deal with how she's acting on top of wedding planning!
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Expert October 2021
Sarah · on April 7, 2021 at 3:24 PM
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Honestly at this point that is how I feel. I was so excited to share the honeymoon idea and then she spent 30mins telling me how that is the worst idea, I will regret it for the rest of my life, we are just going their because my fiancé wants to, etc. I know better then to share my ideas with her now.
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on April 7, 2021 at 3:25 PM
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It’s too bad she wouldn’t be open to therapy, because it sounds like she could just use it in her own life in general. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s much you can do to change that toxic behavior, if you have already expressed to her how much it hurts you and she continues to do it. Moving forward, I wouldn’t share anything more with her, since she has proven more than once she will ruin that special moment for you. I would stick to only sharing with supportive friends and all of us here on WW
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on April 7, 2021 at 3:26 PM
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She’s jealous! Not to be confused with envy, which jealousy is often confused with envy but it’s actually a bit different. Maybe she feels like someone’s crunching in on her turf. If she’s very introverted and family oriented she obviously doesn’t like change and this is a major change! I would have a major heart to heart with her and explain to her that she’s not losing you in anyway
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Rockstar July 2019
Veronica · on April 7, 2021 at 3:29 PM
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My honeymoon was in California and we went to Disneyland and we had an amazing time so don't let her ruin your plans. The only thing I will say is we only spent one day at Disneylanf and it was a lot to do in one day so if you can I would try and spend at least more than one day there.
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Super November 2021
Heather · on April 7, 2021 at 4:06 PM
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I'm so sorry she's being so negative! If anything I would just not share anymore details about the wedding. It seems as if she wants to nitpick at almost everything wedding related. And if you do mention anything make sure to be careful on how you word things. For example, make sure when you explain something say "me" or "we". If she hears that your FH suggested something she may twist your words or something and make it seem like your FH is controlling you or the wedding..
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Super November 2020
Natalie · on April 7, 2021 at 5:51 PM
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It sounds like she is generally an unhappy person, and, as they always say, misery loves company. It sounds like she wants you to share her negative attitude towards things. You have said she has always been like this, so I’m not sure it’s anything you can change. It’s just hitting harder now because this is such a joyous time in your life.
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Expert April 2021
Melody · on April 7, 2021 at 7:20 PM
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California native here! I've been to Disneyland a few times (5th birthday, Grad Night, once a few years later just because), Knott's once, and have always lived within 10min of the ocean. All of those things honestly sound wonderful for your honeymoon! If you like rides and aren't just going for specifically the Disney experience, I would definitely suggest getting park hopper passes for both Disneyland and California Adventure. That's what we did the last time I went and I had a BLAST! Not sure exactly what it will look like when your honeymoon rolls around, but a few of my friends have recently gone to DL and they said that since the park can't be at full capacity it was much quicker to get on rides and they generally had a more enjoyable experience than they've had before COVID came. Downtown Disney is always fun and I would definitely recommend checking out Medieval Times Dinner Theater if they're open by then (currently still closed in their CA location).
I know this totally wasn't the point of your post, but sometimes I get really excited about things and then.... well, word vomit happens. Just keep focusing on your FH and the amazing day you have planned, and the lifetime with him after that. If you haven't already, I would suggest talking to your mom and letting her know how her negativity is affecting you. If you've already done so and she's still being a Negative Nancy, I would stop sharing details with her and politely but firmly let her know that you would prefer not to discuss those things with you. Keep your head up and your eyes on the prize. You've got this, beautiful!
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on April 7, 2021 at 7:33 PM
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I'm a California native, and I totally agree with this. Disneyland is HUGE!!! There is so much to see and do, you really need more than 1 day. I've been there many times in my life, and I would recommend 3 days if you want to see and do everything. But if you don't have that much time, get yourself a map of the park, and prioritize what you want to do. Also, if it's in your budget, consider getting a Fast Pass, which allows you to skip most of the long lines.
I think that's a wonderful mini-moon!! Disneyland is soooooo fun!!! Happy planning!
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Just Said Yes May 2021
Jennifer · on April 7, 2021 at 8:56 PM
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I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My situation is more about...this or that doesn’t look good (e.g., trial makeup, my dress, etc). Wishing now we stuck with just eloping and not doing a micro wedding. :-/
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Beginner November 2021
Jessica · on April 7, 2021 at 10:46 PM
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Remember it's about you and your fiance. You love your family, but this thing called MARRIAGE is only you your husband and God. I hope all goes well
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Super June 2021
Elizabeth · on April 7, 2021 at 11:19 PM
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My mom and grandma do this too. They're always telling me FH always gets his way and I need to assert myself and do what I want. Except I mostly get my way in the relationship... For example, we will be living close to FH's job because he hates commuting and I genuinely dont mind it. My family is convinced this is evidence that he is controlling me because we aren't living halfway between our two jobs. My communication has to be at least partially to blame, but I think when I make a decision that they don't like or that catches them off guard, they chalk it up to FH forcing me.
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