My new last name same as ex-wife

Of course, he could always change his name to yours, instead of vice versa, if it's important not to have the same last name as her. But in the grand scheme of things, it's a trivial issue.

And no, a divorcee's name does not automatically change--any more than a woman's name automatically changes when she gets married. In general, people are allowed to have any name they choose, unless they are using it to defraud creditors. Typically, a woman who wants to change her name back can do so in the divorce decree, but she's under no obligation to do so.

And she does not automatically become a "Miss" when she divorces, either. Traditionally, a divorcee was still "Mrs." Of course, both she and you could instead use "Ms.," because that is a title that applies regardless of marital status. But "Miss" wouldn't apply to either of you.

FH is divorced after 19 years of marriage, and his ex kept his last name. I get her keeping it, because kind of like my mom who kept dad's last name when they divorced after 29 years, its the only name she's used in her adult/professional life. But it was also what finally prompted me to decide to change my name to his after all...she'd be out there with his name not being married to him, and I'd be here married to him without his name? No way!

View Quoted Comment Wow. Names dont really matter. The marriage certificate does!

View Quoted Comment All of this. Your name doesnt magically change more does Mrs (same if you are a widow).

When my mom got divorced she never changed her last name back. The first thing was my brother and I were younger and I'm pretty sure we were convinced if her name wasn't the same as ours people wouldn't think she's our mom (Now that I'm older i find that hysterical), so maybe his daughter might have an issue with it?

Second reason, she just never went to SS and did all the paperwork. Probably out of laziness to be honest. But we also don't live anywhere near my dad so it wasn't an issue for them to be running into the same people or something like that. He left us, so it wasn't the normal divorce.

15 years later, she finally got remarried and getting her name changed is one of the first things on her list.

When I got divorced I never changed my name back. It was too much hassle. I figured if I ever got married again then I would change it. Well I got married in December and I'm just now getting around to changing it to my new DH's last name. His ex still has his last name too. Doesn't bother me at all. It's just a name.

Didn’t change mine either for biz reasons and because he already had a 1st “Mrs.”

FH's ex-wife has the same first name as me, just spelled different. If she had kept his last name and never remarried, I wouldn't care. That's her business and it's not like I'd be any less married to FH because of it.

My mom divorced my stepdad nearly 20 years ago and never changed her last name. The majority of people only know her first name anyways.

My best friend is marrying into a whole lot of crazy in regards to her FH'S ex-wife and mother of his children. Ex still has his last name and isn't likely to change it unless she remarries. Ex trys to sway the kids against my friend. Ex tries to get between my friend and her FH. She isn't on the sidelines though. It's her life too.

This doesn't seem weird to me at all. I am sure there is more to the story, but from the little you have said she seems like she is being super nice by making sure your soon to be step daughter knows that she is accepting you as part of the family. Because even if they are divorced they are a family. She seems to be very welcoming in that statement and it allows for you to have some authority to the child as the mother is saying 'she is family'. I know my best friend would have loved for her FH ex to say something like that to her step daughter. Instead, FH ex told the girl that 'I'll always be your only real mommy, you never have to listen to her'. As for keeping the last name, of the people I know who divorced it is like 50/50 if they changed their name or not. More often it is just another hassle that isn't worth it.

My mouth dropped when I read this!! I am in the SAME BOAT!!

His ex-wife claims she kept his last name for their son. Which I understand, but she totally let it slip that she kept the last name to always remain a part of the family!!! I'm not even kidding! Luckily his cousin was like "um. no. you're not a Lowery".

She even told me "welcome to the family" when we told her (out of respect she doesn't deserve) that we were getting married. I literally said "well, its my fiance's and (the son)'s family, but thanks". Ooooh she got so mad and started saying how she would always be a Lowery. My fiance shot her down quickly. But oh my gosh I'm so glad other people struggle with this too!

I'm changing my last name to his, after a ton of advice from his family (that knows her) and mine (that doesn't). I want to be a unit with my husband, and to me, that means the same last name. So I'm changing my name. But I totally get the conflict!!!

Also, they are NOT a family if they are divorced. That's kind of the whole point. Just because they share a child together, doesn't make them family.

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My fiance's ex wife did the same. His poor five year old actually came up to me and said "why are you taking daddy away? Mom said he won't be my dad anymore".

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Ahh yes! I totally get this!

View Quoted Comment “just because they share a child together does not make them family” THANK YOU. they are no longer a “family unit”. they are divorced and have gone their separate ways... for all intents and purposes they are not a family. just coparents. and I don’t get involved and will not accept the title as a stepmother because of this. they have a tolerable relationship at this point. but yeah, more or less I want my husband and I to be a team, and I feel like changing my name unites us closer in that sense. she had her chance at having a “family” and her psycho behavior ruined that. She may think she’s still a part of his family (she still comes to family events which we have started telling her she is not allowed) so I think it went past just keeping the name for her child’s sake and keeping it because she can’t let go of the past. They were married for an extremely short period of time and have been divorced for over 5 years. Once this child is 18 we don’t need to communicate with her so I shouldn’t let that influence my decision that will be lifelong.

View Quoted Comment I wish she was being nice. she’s just being manipulative and sarcastic. There is so much drama and low intelligence with this woman that it would blow everyone’s mind. She has created a situation in that the child now has a warped sense of reality so I don’t even want to get involved because 1.) it will do NO good. the ex-wife does not listen to advice, reason, common sense, etc. 2.) it’ll create more tension.



I think at the end of the day I just need to remove her from this equation. The ex-wife is just that... an EX. she’s no longer family, she’s so crazy even his family doesn’t know why she still inserts herself into family events... and at the end of the day it’s about me and my husband as our own family.

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I'm sorry. Are you my twin? lol

We just started telling the ex to stop coming to family reunions. She kept using the child as an excuse and actually said "I don't trust (my fiance) to look after him alone). She lives 10 hours away so she doesn't trust him when she's in town twice a year. Well I told my fiance that was ridiculous. So, she's stopped coming.

They were only married for 3 months! And have been divorced for 5 years! Seriously, are you me? haha

I am assuming the role of step mother though. That's the only difference. I'm proud to be his stepmom. Hopefully he'll get better influences from me and his father.

Also, I agree about not talking to her past that age. I refuse to talk to ours now because of how she's treated us. My fiance only talks to her when it involves a drop off or pick up. Other than that, we call the child directly to talk with him.

View Quoted Comment I think we are twins! They were married for 3-4 months and the. they separated and a month later filed for divorce lol And the ex-wife is an hour away, so they still have some contact. I know the child would be better off with me and my husband but at this point in time it’s almost like it would be more detrimental to the kid because she has an attachment disorder and separation anxiety in regards to her mother. I don’t know the whole situation is crazy. but we only have to deal with the ex for 11 more years (until she’s 18) but realistically once the daughter is a teenager we can just communicate with her directly like you said.

I don’t know why I feel like i’m making a mountain out of a molehill with the name change thing. I just hate her so much, she’s ruining this child’s life, and is so blind to what she’s doing. I just needed to hear I wasn’t the only one and at the end of all this, I am the current and future MRS. she was just a mistake in his past (marrying her, not his child)

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It may not be healthy for either of us, but I made that mountain too. I'm still and will probably always be, furious that her last name will be the same as mine and our family. Because she's petty and will always have some twisted views of how I'm the bad guy for saying she shouldn't come to a family reunion. No, you're not alone at all I'm glad to hear I'm not either!

I definitely understand, my FMIL has always been terrible to me and it makes me cringe when I think about the fact that she and I are both going to be "Mrs. Lastname." Luckily I've always called his parents by their first names (never Mr. or Mrs. anything) so I am trying to make sure I maintain my association of that last name with my FH, NOT with other people who share the name.

Try not to think of it like that though, changing your last name is joining you to your husband! You don't have to love, or want to be connected to, every other relative or ex-relative who shares that last name. Especially with your FH's ex-wife... it's not like it was her name to begin with even, it's your FH's. It's not hers to be associated with, if that makes sense.

(To clarify, this isn't saying you HAVE to change your name, or that everyone should change their last names... obviously that's a personal decision and you know what is best for you. I just don't think the fact that his ex-wife still has the name should be a reason why you don't change it!)

I really think you are over thinking this and need to let it go.

I was married before and I did not change my name after the divorce. Why would I? Everyone knew me by that name. We have 3 kids together with that name. It is who I am and no matter who either of us have moved on with, that does not take away what was. I actually think changing it back to your maiden name is more petty (like trying to erase what was a chunk of your life) but maybe that is just me.

I do plan on taking FH's name. Yes, it is the name that his ex still goes by. So what? That doesn't diminish it for me at all. Trust me, his ex has been no walk in the park either. She has actually ran him over with a car, ok? She said awful things about me to the kids. So I feel you on the crazy train. But here is the deal. I am going to speak from lots of experience. You are the adult here. That child, no matter what her mother is telling her, did not ask to be born into that situation. She has no control over it at the moment. But she eventually will. You need to be the bigger person. As hard as it is, (I know, it is darn near impossible some days) you need to be there for her. Show her love. Show her support. Show her loving discipline and boundaries when you are together. Show her you want her in your life, no matter how she acts. And eventually she will see through the mothers nonsense. I came into FH's life when his daughter was 9 and she HATED me. Now she is 16 and we are best friends. She went from only seeing FH every other weekend to living with us full time and never seeing her mom. She got tired on the nonsense, the lies for no reason and the drama. She craved the "normal" of our lives.

It will get better. You just have to be the bigger person and let go of the petty.

I still think its weird for my FH's ex-wife and the OP's fiance's ex-wife to keep the married name after only 3-4 months of marriage. Its not like people "knew her by that name". She's just being petty. And I totally get the annoyance.

I was also previously married for a very short time. People were only barely starting to get used to my married name. So when we divorced, I changed it back to my maiden name. I think it depends on how long you were married.

Although, I agree with AlmostOliveria on all her other points.