My Father's Girlfriend

So you told him you wanted to sit down and talk to him about her not coming and you're surprised he's upset?? You should have sat down to talk to him about the issues and how you can resolve them. You put up the wall before the conversation could even begin.

No I told him that I wanted to have dinner so we could discuss things and he refused to come without her. And I'm not surprised that he is upset I just wish he could see where I am coming get from is all.

It sounds like one of those "foot in mouth" situations. The new gf should be sensitive to the situation no matter if it was 5 days ago or 5 years. Maybe it was more of a snip at your dad and it came off the way about your mom? Sounds like your mom supported the family and now your dad is expecting the same from his new gf and she is bitter about it.

You weren't there right? You don't know the rest of the conversation. That sounds like a defensive remark to me. Which means that someone else, possibly your younger sister, said something that made your dad's GF feel like she needed to defend herself.

While the comment sounds insensitive, I don't think it's something that warrants being excluded from your wedding. I really believe that you can work through this with your family. Just give it time. And go get counseling. The way that you tried to handle it with your dad was very confrontational and unhealthy. It's understandable because I'm sure you're in a lot of pain right now. But you might regret it in the future once the grief subsides.

Your story is changing. Earlier you said that you invited him to dinner and told him the topic was going to be whether or not the GF could come to the wedding.

Honestly this may be an unpopular opinion but I think in this situation if you don't want her there, it's your wedding and you should be able to make that call.. your mother passed away less than a year ago so it's still a very tender subject. If you feel like this persons presence at your wedding would dampen your day then your dad should care enough about your feelings (under the circumstances) to understand. And if he doesn't then that's on him.

Honestly I would probably have refused the invitation too. Adults don't get together to talk about other adults behind their backs.

You don't even know if they will still be together in 19 months. There is no "dealing with it now". They could be married before you. You don't know.

You need to get some counseling to deal with your grief. There is no way you should be telling your father 19 months before your wedding she can't come.

A lot can change in a year and I wouldn't start a huge argument over something your sister overheard and repeated to you. Maybe it's all just a huge misunderstanding.

Wow. I am pissed for you.

I'll be honest ... I've been where you are; hearing something 2nd hand and negative about a loved one. It had me seeing red for a long time but I'm glad I waited to calm down to say something because I came across like a bad ass and that image stuck.

Weeks after I found out someone said something about my husband I walked up to them and said, "I heard about your comment you made about Jeff. I don't EVER want to hear that again. PERIOD." This person, who I cannot NOT see on a regular basis, has been cordial to me since and does not mention me or my family in any context. Problem solved. Definitely let both of them know you know what was said about your Mom and that that kind of talk is unacceptable. Then turn around and walk away.

I am so sorry your Mom was talked about like that.

I will post the screen shots if that helps

Also try to remember you father is grieving the loss of his wife. Everyone grieves in their own way and I don't think you should be pushing,your dad away at a time you all need each other right now.

Please don't post screenshots! You're just digging the hole deeper. A screenshot of a text conversation is not sufficient to explain the depth of someone's relationships. You can make anyone look bad with a couple of texts.

When it comes time, you absolutely have the right to exclude her from your wedding. What people are trying to tell you is that it's too soon to be making that decision. And we're also asking you to consider how grief might be influencing you, and to consider getting counseling to help deal. We don't need to see screenshots.

So I'm sorry for your loss. Truly I am. But your mother does not care what the new GF says- I think it says LOADS about your father that he lets his new beau speak like that- But your mother rest in peace- does not care. I'd be more hurt by my father's actions than the actual words spoken.

Avoiding conflict rarely solves the problem- having a direct conversation about it is what needs to happen- if he refuses to met you have other issues and if you are steadfast in this opinion- and your father is as stubborn as you say- you have to face the reality you may lose the relationship with him.

But I agree this is WAY to early to be concerned about this.

Jessica, let it go until you see them together. Surprise them. Catch them off guard. Say your peace then walk away. This is not something that, IMO, needs to be sat down and talked about. It needs to be gotten out, firmly, and just one time. Your Dad's GF doesn't have the right to offer "her side". You won't tolerate your Mom being talked about in a negative way. Period. It's as simple as that.

Have you gone to or considered therapy to help you deal with your grief over your mother's death? Because, while this situation sounds terrible and what your father's GF said was definitely out of line, I wonder if your strong reaction is a symptom of your own continuing grief.

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how difficult this must be.

You don't even know what was actually said. You are going off of what your sister said. How do you know she's just not causing problems? How do you know what was actually said? How do you know what the conversation was actually about?

You are going off second hand knowledge and you need to sit down with both of them. You need to voice your concerns and if your sister is bringing up the drama then she has her name said. Doesn't matter if you want to keep her out of it.

OP's strong reaction is a symptom of respecting the memory of a loved one and reacting to the news that someone spoke about that loved one inappropriately.

The best therapy in this situation is to confront that individual and tell them to keep their damn mouth shut.

Is there a chance that what she said was taken out of context? Sometimes already hurt feelings can misunderstand things. Maybe your sister took it the wrong way? I know I have said things that people later came to me and said it was something completely different than what I actually said. Not because they were trying to lie, but because they tried to interpret what I was saying rather than taking it for face value :-/

I really do appreciate all the advice ladies ! I am hoping we can work things out and I would be more open to letting her come if she met me half way and tried getting to know me. Maybe we can visit the counseling idea.