My father's ex-wife (and not my mother)

Sorry i guess i have more respect for my fathers feelings than you do

eta: it doesnt seem like his ex remarried, he could be paying her out nose in alimony for these past 30 years while she has boyfriends, we dont know what their relationship is like.

It's been 30 years it time for Daddy to let it go. I also agree with @promike stay out of it. Don't pick sides let them figure it out on their own.

Surfergirl, come on. You don't think he's being a bit immature about something that happened 30 years ago? I don't like a lot of people, but like Melissa said, I'm still cordial and make small talk. I don't refuse to go outside because there are people I don't like there. I deal. Like we all do. Weddings are so big and so much going on that I don't even see at least 60% of the guests the entire time. Even in a wedding with 30 in attendance, I didn't come in contact with at least 9 of them the entire time.

Its a destination wedding for an entire weekend. If only it was for just a few hours instead of 3 days. There will be crossover because of the children they do share.

I have stayed out of this conversation as much as possible up until now. I have been asked my input by my father, and both my sisters. While I know I don't have a dog in the race for this event; I do have a say so in my family. I want no part in the discussions,. however because they have brought me into the middle of this mess I feel that my opinion has been asked for.

Are your dad and his ex wife going to be forced to share the same room? No? Then there's still no problem. They don't have to be near each other at all.

ETA: And regardless.. we're talking about 30 YEARS.

Maybe he is being immature, my first post i said yes that he should put his big boy pants on. but many women on here say that the parents do get a say on who gets invited if they are helping pay for the wedding so i am not seeing the difference in this situation.

also the OP suggested that there have been issues with the ex wife and her father in the past. I would think that it would be respectful of the bride to consider her fathers feeling and not invite his ex

Ehh... I guess destination wedding does make things different. But I still don't think a grudge from 30 years ago should dictate someone else's relationship (meaning, the Bride and this woman should be allowed to be friends). If it's a destination wedding with under 15 people and they have to spend every second with each other for 3 days, then maybe not. But if they can converse with other people and not each other, there shouldn't be a problem. I had some terrible things happen to me over 10 years ago. I am still polite in front of those people. I can't imagine being over 30 years old and still holding onto things.

Your dad gets a say in things as he is paying for some of it (the problem with accepting money) but not every.darn.thing.

It's too bad that, as a parent, he doesn't realize that there are never enough people in the world to love your children.

He would also come off a lot more magnanimous if he would bend a little here.

Instead he is going to look like an assahola.

You are entitled to feel any way you like; there is not much you can do to remedy the situation.

Hope the day turns out to be a happy one! Please let us know how it goes

I would sit them at opposite ends of the room. Personally I don't think it matters that this Ex step mother is not related by blood or marriage any longer, but your sister obviously feels this person has had an important role in her life.

I feel like there is much more to this story than what is being shared. I get that it's been 30 years, but if Dad is paying for half then he does get a say so. I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't find it necessary to invite someone that was never in her life until the past few years and a parent's ex. It could be awkward for both her mom and dad. This person wasn't her step mother as they were married and divorced before she was even born.

If your dad is paying then I think the bride should NOT invite the ex-wife. I would never bring someone who would cause tension with the person PAYING for the event.

@surfer really? Did you just say I don't have respect for my dads feelings? Almost everyone on here agrees with me but yet you say that to me? Nice. My dad is a big boy and would NEVER make me upset because I want someone at my wedding and he doesn't. Child first in my opinion. MY dad would literally say if it makes you happy I will spend a few hours/ days with this person. And its been 30 years I can be cordial.

Even if its a destination wedding they don't need to be near each other. They aren't sharing a room. They can do separate things and maybe she doesn't involve the ex wife in everything. She can go lay on the beach or explore and not be with the group. Its really easy to solve.

@Melissa you said that you wouldn't care and that you would do what you wanted anyway how is that respectful?

ETA: got it - I was confused on who was married to who.

The person paying some or all gets a say in who is invited, yes. As in "I want to invite my co workers and neighbors". Not "I don't like that person so you are not allowed to have a relationship with them or invite them." That's completely immature and ridiculous.

Anywho - when I hear "destination wedding" I think resort. Is this wedding at a resort?

Lucy- I think OP said their Dad is still married to OP's and bride's mom. They have been married for 30 years. The ex-wife and her dad were married before they were even born.

@surfer when did I say I wouldn't care and I would do what I wanted anyway? I'm confused...

@Lucy exactly. Her dad is paying meaning "I would like to invite so and so..." That usually doesn't mean "You can't invite my ex wife from 30 years ago.." Unless there is a lot more to this story I still don't understand the issue. My father would never make me feel bad because he is a grown ass man.

I do agree if you pay you should have say. But sometimes as parents we have to put our feelings on the back burner and do what's best for our children. That's what you sign up for when you become a parent. The all about me party is over. Also the father share children with the ex-wife. He can look at as a practice run for when his other daughters get married.(if they are still single)

I do think to a certain extent they get a say on either spectrum. If this was over a friend or an extended family member, I would say it was uncalled for. Divorces can be very, very messy and leave a lot of people hurt/negative experiences for a very long time. I don't think it's anyone's place to judge whether he's immature, ridiculous, etc. because we don't know the whole story. She didn't have a hand in raising her and she is an ex. I can see why he wouldn't want her there.

I just wanted to add - H sees his ex wife all the time. They HATE each other. I mean HATE. If one of them was on fire, the other would drink the water in their bottles.

When do they see each other? When it's for the kids. School functions, birthday parties, etc. They've been divorced 5 years. Is it awkward and horrible? YES. But they still do it, say hi to each other, then try their best to get along for those few hours. If 2 people can't do that after 30 years..?

While this bride isn't the child of the ex wife, they DO have children together. What happens when one of those children (between dad and the ex wife) get married? Are they already married? Did they both attend the wedding? Will they both attend a future wedding? I would hope so.

@melissa i am sorry you did not say that in so many words, but you suggested it. you said that your father wouldn't put you in that situation. i am sure that this bride didn't think that her father would put her in this kind of position. what would you do then if you were in this situation? would you make your father go through 3 days of trying to avoid talking to someone that he doesn't like at an event that he fronted the money for??? which is supposed to be a celebration for him and his family and instead he has to think about if he is going to have to say something to a person whom he has a 30 plus year history with?

yes i realize that people should be able to put issues aside and get along but this bride accepted his money and if he doesn't want this lady there i think he is well within his right to tell his daughter that she can not come because he will feel like he is walking on eggshells the entire time. Sorry the world isnt perfect and people hold grudges.