My brother insists that he must approve of our clothes for his wedding

Is he planning on doing family photos as well at the wedding? It could be that he is concerned about colors or things clashing... did you ask if there’s a reason he’s suddenly so concerned?

Unless you were planning on wearing something not nice at all or white: I do not see why it matters. Sometimes the mom and dad of bride and groom dress up more.

View Quoted Comment Kaitlyn has a good point. Maybe he can share some suggestions (ie dark colors, formal attire)?

I told my own sister what to wear as well as my sister in laws. 🤷
We're doing family photos and wanted a certain theme. Our families think it's nice they don't have to pick anything.
But where he had previously said whatever it's kind of weird. Maybe his fiance wanted certain colors or a theme and he didn't know and is trying to find an in-between?

Is it kinda crazy? Sure, but it definitely avoids any mishaps regarding attire. My close friend's wedding, the grandma wore a pure white dress. I've seen girls in extremely inappropriate clothes. My sister in laws wedding, an uncle wore a tshirt.

Crazy? Maybe, but it's their wedding and my inner controlling bridezilla can see the plus side, especially if you will be in photos.

Nope. It’s crazy! I’m an adult and I know how to dress myself, I would feel the same as you do. If he preferred I wore a certain color maybe I could see that but approving my outfit is absurd.

I can see it from both sides aha. I personally don't like dictating things for people but at the same time some of my family members are kind of ridic for clothes. Like my sister in law wanted to wear white because in our culture people don't think about avoiding white for the bride.

Just say no. Nicely, but no. He has no right to demand that of you.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Stephanie!

Unless there is a theme, such as a black tie event he's' out of line

I mean if he wanted you to wear a certain color or something for pictures I'd understand... but from what was said on this post I find it kinda odd that he wants to approve your clothes for a wedding.

I think it just depends on how he's asking. If it's like, "hey, just wanted to see what you guys were thinking of wearing, maybe get the run down and give a final ok so we all look the same level of dressed up for photos" then that's totally normal. Also consider it might not be about you. If you have a crazy family member who would show up in white, or someone who is known to wear something very revealing and attention grabbing, this might be his way of trying to get around that. He's probably pretty stressed out right now. If you aren't planning on wearing something crazy, then it's really no biggie. I'd just send him over what you're thinking of and ask if he needs help with anything. You never know, he might say "Yes, can you please go shopping with aunt so and so because I heard she was going to wear white." Or he could say "I'm sorry it wasn't well communicated, we're trying to check in with everyone, it's more of a black tie event, you might want to wear something else." Give him the benefit of the doubt, if it's just him being rude and condescending, freak out then for sure, but there's a lot of reasons he could be checking in.

This is an extremely rude thing to do. Guests and family dress themselves with no need for approval from the host or couple. Unacceptably controlling. Tell him you would like him to tell you the formality of the occasion, then you will decide. And you will decline if he treats you like goods that may be rejected if they do not please him . There is no reason to accept being treated badly. Being family does not make it okay. It makes it even worse. If this is how he treats the people he loves, he is not worth it.

View Quoted Comment Thanks Judith. I think my mom said he wants to make sure that we blend with his friends. (Rolls eyes). That really doesn't make it any better.

View Quoted Comment This is not totally normal. It implies that he, or anyone who wants to see someone's clothes before an event, thinks you have such poor judgement or taste in clothes that you cannot be trusted to dress appropriately to go to a special event or party. And that is an insulting thing to indicate he feels that way to any adult invited, especially family, unless they have impaired thinking, dementia, or a developmental disability. His being nervous does not excuse his being rude to family guests. She and her mom are not young children, and not mentally impaired. No clothing inspection is appropriate by any host or couple for any reason otherwise. Ever. Guests dress the same level of formality as the couple, or one step down, their choice, except black tie, when they follow that . All he does is state formality, and anything else is demeaning.

Ugh brothers!!! I do not think this is appropriate and I would be offended and probably not share my clothing choice.

View Quoted Comment Go to a used book place and buy him not a wedding etiquette book, but an all purpose one, with chapters an basic manners, how to write any kind of invitations or notes, titles, forms of address or titles, business etiquette, and social etiquette for routine group social things, as well as special occasions like weddings, funerals, formal entertaining and casual. With a note that says, inspect this. . . . It actually is a good gift.
Starting out in married life, he should learn how not to offend or insult others ( including family and new wife) by saying and doing things that are insulting to others - like implying the family he comes from is not good enough to meet his or his friends' standards .

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Once again, I'm not saying that it couldn't be rude behavior. I'm saying that you're exactly right, it would be rude for him to do that, but maybe it isn't about OP. There are many situations where this could be fine, just as there are many where it could not be. As I said, if there is a family member who he doesn't trust to dress appropriately, maybe to try to soften the blow he asked everyone so that that person didn't feel singled out. Is it kind of him to make that judgement? Maybe not. But sometimes it's necessary. I know everyone's an adult, but just because my grandmother is an adult who can dress herself, doesn't mean I'm not worried she's going to try to show up to my farm wedding in a black tie event style dress that shines brighter than the sun and cost more than my wedding. There could be someone like his mother or even his fiance or something who is pressuring him to single out a family member known for dressing inappropriately and he really didn't want to do this but felt like it was the best way. Not great etiquette at all, but not his fault. He's a guy, they aren't exactly well versed in wedding etiquette most of the time, he could just straight up think this is fine and normal because a buddy asked what his family was wearing. I know all three of my brothers probably won't get me a wedding gift, because they've been to one wedding in their lives if that and they just don't know, and I'm not insulted by their lack of etiquette. He could have been to weddings before where he was really nervous about what to wear and he's just trying to be helpful. He could think "Oh, everything else has to match flowers and stuff, and I just realized my mom gets a corsage and my dad a boutonniere, maybe I should check to see if they match those." and it's just as simple as someone telling him that doesn't matter. Maybe they never really specified on invites how formal the wedding is and he's checking in with his family as his friends discuss how formal they're going to be, and his fiance said "Wait, you told them to wear whatever they want? You have to tell them how formal it is, can you check in with them so they don't feel over or under dressed?" and this was his way of doing that. The best way? No. But insane? Also no. Unless he is purposefully saying to a family full of normal people "eh, i don't really trust you to do this right, can you just check with me?", which, once again, could 100% be the case, I think it's a bit of an overstep to say his behavior is insane. Especially if before he said they should wear whatever they want, that indicates that something has changed here, it's not like since the beginning of wedding planning he's wanted to check in on their clothes. This is a rule of etiquette where yeah, her brother could just straight up be some jerk in california who is worried his familys style won't fit in and wants to make sure they're up to standard. Super rude. But he could also just be going about something normal in a dumb way and not be trying to hurt or insult anybody.
Edit: That was super long I cut out me babbling on lol