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Dedicated May 2015

Mother of the Groom here needing advice for a sad way to begin wedding planning! Advice welcomed!!

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MOTG Clayton & Shelby, on July 28, 2014 at 3:27 PM

Posted in Planning 28

I'm Kimberly and hold the position of Mother of the Groom and wedding planner. My dear sweet DIL to be's father died 6 years ago. She graduated high school this year at age 17 a year early and is now in college but her mother kicked her out of her house because she disagrees with her relationship with my son. DIL2B has been paying her way through life for the most part of her last 2 years and what she couldn't pay for my son has taken care of for her; this even includes medical bills. She says her mom just kind of gave up on being a mom and her relationship with my son was a good reason to just move on completely.

So she now lives with us which isn't bad at all because my son works in the oil business and is gone for 2 weeks at a time so we make it work.

So needless to say my husband and I are doing the entire wedding. Her mom won't even go dress shopping with her, asks no questions. It brakes my heart. The wedding isn't until May of 2015 so there is time for her to get over her self but DIL2B isn't hopeful and getting to where she doesn't care if she even comes. Even her sister, not wanting to rock the boat with her mom has said she doesn't know if she will even be at the wedding. So at this point none of her family are planning on being there.

We are trying to give her the dream wedding she has always wanted and make it all we can for them. We have a Venue booked they love, a photographer booked and the catering is being worked out.

My question I guess is, has anyone been in these shoes before or something like them and do you have any advice. Things to watch out for, things I can do to give her that extra family touch? Again this girl is so sweet and it brakes my heart she has to deal with this and I just want to do the right thing for them.

Thanks ahead for your responses!

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28 Comments

Devoted August 2014
Mystyna · on July 31, 2014 at 3:23 PM
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I am in a very similar situation as your future DIL. My father passed away in 2005, and my mother and I have always had a rocky relationship, including not talking for 3.5 years. I have an ex's mother (we dated for 6 years) that I am very close to and consider a mother, and my FMIL is also amazing! FIL's are paying for half of our wedding (mostly because they didn't like our budget, haha!)

I want to start by saying that what you are doing is amazing. She will never forget it, and she will love you forever for it, especially since she is so young now.

I do want to caution you, though. There is a part of her that will always want her mother. There is probably a part of her that will have a really hard time letting you fill that role sometimes. It may be with stupid things... she may be fine with dress shopping, but has a hard time with the decorations. I know that you want to show her love that her mother can't or hasn't, and never want her to feel unwanted, or unloved, but sometimes, if you aren't careful, it can serve to highlight her mother's flaws more than shine your love. And knowing that your mother doesn't care about the most important day of your life is really really hard.

You are amazing!!!! Please know that I say this to encourage, not to bring you down.

Happy planning!!!!!!
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VIP September 2014
Mrs Schmidt · on July 31, 2014 at 3:42 PM
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First and foremost, thank you for being an amazing FMIL! You are a god-send for your FDIL.

No doubt there will be tears. Perhaps a one on one w/ your FDIL's mom if both are comfortable with it. Make her feel included. It can't hurt. Overall, just be there for your FDIL, and she'll really appreciate that. Incorporate her friends into planning, maybe get w/ her MOH and throw her a surprise shower. Surround her w/ love and she won't miss anything.
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Super September 2014
Miimii · on July 31, 2014 at 4:09 PM
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YOU ARE AMAZING. I think you are doing way more than anyone else would and I know that your FDIL appreciates it. I can't imagine beign in her shoes but if I were, i would thakn my lucky stars everyday for having you as a FMIL
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Master April 2015
kaylarae · on July 31, 2014 at 4:29 PM
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First of all what you are doing is beyond generous! Just make sure that she wants you to be doing these things. Maybe see if she would rather have the help of her girlfriends for some things. Other than that, don't try to become the role of "mom" ... Even though she doesn't have a good relationship with her mom, you will never be able to fill that space.
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Dedicated May 2015
MOTG Clayton & Shelby · on August 1, 2014 at 9:46 AM
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Her mom hates me plain and simple. I'm an enabler. Doing all this wedding stuff I'm just enabling them to do what she thinks shouldn't happen. Weather I'm involved or not it's going to happen. Sometimes all you can do is pray and do what you feel is right.

On that note FDIL asked her mom to do her cake. She said she would have to think about it, she just wasn't sure how she felt about that. It hurt her and she told her mom, if you can't be happy for me and be positive then never mind and don't even bother coming to wedding. She only wants positive feeling and thoughts there that day. She said she wasn't going to ask her about it again. When the time comes to worry about the cake and she hasn't answered her then we will get someone else.

She says it doesn't hurt her any more and I just say well I'm glad your not sad all the while knowing she will have her days with it as the date gets closer. Mean while she thanks me all the time for being there for her and for making the planning of this so much fun. NO STRESS is my way of doing things. We are having a blast!
Plus we found her dress!!! Woohoo!!
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Master July 2015
Emma · on August 1, 2014 at 9:49 AM
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I think you just gained about 100 new DILs!
You are an incredible person. INCREDIBLE.
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VIP October 2016
Cynthia B · on August 1, 2014 at 10:31 AM
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Your awesome! Restored a little faith in humanity. Thank you for sharing and good luck, I hope her mom comes around, but if not it sounds like her loss.
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Super September 2014
mrs. joyceee · on August 1, 2014 at 1:17 PM
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You sound like a great FMIL! I think you're doing everything you can. I definitely think where her mother should be you should at least offer to be there. It will be her choice to decide whether or not she wants you to be there. But I think the biggest is to be supportive and to know that you are there for her. She needs family and you already are.
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