Mother of the Groom here needing advice for a sad way to begin wedding planning! Advice welcomed!!

Thank you for being an awesome FMIL! More women need to follow your example! Just love her and support her. Sounds like you are doing all the right things already!

This sounds exactly like me. I was kicked out of my house at 17 before I graduated hs. Later I moved in with Fh and his family. I do not believe that any of my family will be at our wedding, as my mom never let us be close with extended family, and I haven't been on good terms with my parents for many years. My siblings will only be there if my parents attend as well. I am pretty sure no one in my family will be there, and I was really upset about it at first, and embarrassed. I thought that people would look at me weird if none of my family was there, like people would think things about me. But I realized that IDC as much anymore. FH's family has become my family, more than my family ever has been. So yeah no one from my biological family may be there, but the people who have taken me in and allowed me to be a part of their family long before it ever was offical will be there, my new family. My biggest advice is step up and fill the mom role if hers isn't. FMIL went dress shopping with me, is helping me get ready day of etc. I always got jealous when people complained that there moms would want to help too much, because mine wouldn't help at all. Just try and fill that role if it isn't don't leave it empty.

I agree with Future Mrs. Gierman. It sounds like you are already doing the best and most that you can do. Let her come to you if she wants more or something different.

You are a great woman! Just be there for her. Your FDIL will have to reach a point where she decides to look at the positive. She is marrying into a wonderful family. My mom is not interested in my wedding either. She is going through a selfish stage right now and I used to get really upset. I finally decided to be happy regardless. My mom may change, but she may not and that's ok. I have plenty of support from other family and friends

I have a similar situation, but I wasn't kicked out of my house. But my mother and sisters are making my wedding planning horrible and my mom refuses to be interested at all and instead starts fights over me trying to include her. But my FMIL and her daughter-in-law drove 3 hours to come dress shopping and was honest and giving opinions and kept saying how beautiful I am. I have zero confidence, so having them there for that and react the way they did made me feel amazing. I can't even describe it. I dragged my mother dress shopping once and she barely looked at me. Wouldn't comment when I asked her, but commented on other girl's trying on dresses. So my FMIL really helped a lot just by driving out of her way to attend dress shopping, looking at the venue, cake tasting, etc. She also has kept in touch with email asking if I like this, what she can do, etc. So just keep being there for appointments and planning and that will mean the most to her.

I am in a same-sex relationship, and while my family has welcomed my fiance with open arms, her family (very religious) has not. Her mother has been very cold and does not even bring up the wedding or anything.

The only advice that I can give as someone on the other side, is that you have to be patient. Her mother may never come around or she may wake up and smell the coffee. Your DIL2B has a very difficult road ahead of her. All you can do is be there for her and be a strong supporter. She will come to terms with her situation in the best way she can. In any event, your DIL will probably be appreciative of anything and everything that you guys do for her. Friends can be a great support also, does she have a few close friends to lean on?

I am truly sorry that she has to go through this.

Aww I really feel for your FDIL, Future Mrs. Matthews, and other girls in these situations ... it sounds horrible :-( I don't know what I'd do if my parents didn't support me.

The best thing to do is probably fill the role of her mother at this point. My mom has been there for picking the venue, finding the dress, the alterations, so I suggest you be there with her during those times. My parents will also be there for our Jack and Jill party and are throwing the rehearsal dinner. It's also a good idea to be with your FDIL pretty much all day during the wedding itself.

This isn't completely the same, but may parents ended up paying for most of my brother and SIL's wedding. My SIL's parents are divorced and her dad wouldn't help with anything at all for her wedding until her mother called and read him the riot act. But even then, he only chipped in $1,000 for her wedding dress. This made my SIL feel terrible because when her stepsister got married they went all out and spent probably $50,000 plus on her wedding.

My SIL's mother helped by paying part of the venue and making the flower arrangements herself, since she had experience as a florist. The rest of the wedding was covered by my parents since they didn't want my brother and SIL to go into debt to pay for their own wedding.

I think because of the situation, my SIL was too upset to do much of the wedding planning herself. It was definitely hard on my SIL and her relationship with her father has suffered more since the wedding. He just doesn't care to be a part of his daughter's life. I think it is so sad, but it's just the reality that she has to deal with.

I don't think that there is anything that you can do to influence the relationship between your future DIL and her mother. The best thing that you can do is to continue being a wonderful FMIL!

I am so sorry to hear that you are all going through such sadness at what should be such a joyous time.

My comment is more for honoring her father.

My grandfather (who I truly considered to be my father) passed away this past May,

and would have been walking me down the aisle for my wedding next month.

The thought of making the walk without him (in addition to all the other special father-daughter moments) completely broke my heart, and grief has worked its way into my wedding planning as well.

I found an incredible company--Brevity Jewelry--who was able to make a bracelet from a printout of his heartbeat, which I will wear on the wrist he would have held as he gave me away.

It's such a small thing, but I somehow feel that he will still be with me, and I thought you might like to use the idea as a surprise for your daughter in law.

They can make custom bracelets or necklaces from anything--signatures, part of a note, you name it. It's such a meaningful touch.

www.brevityjewelry.com

Your son and daughter in law are very lucky to have you, and it sounds like their wedding will be beautiful.

I understand how hurtful it must be for her family to disregard this happy time and even dampen it, but ultimately, they will be the ones to lose out and they will regret it.

Your son and daughter in law sound very happy together, and my only advice is to focus on the love between them and celebrate the new family (yours) that has taken her in with such open arms.

Good luck,

Hillary

Can you be my MIL? I'm joking, but you are truly one amazing woman.

Your FDIL is my date twin!

im not in the same situation but i understand how she feels about her mother-ish. im in the same boat. i dont have a clue if mine is going to show or not. its an awful feeling. my mother had me too young and just pushed me off on her mother and then went on to have a new family. she has two other daughters now that shes raised. ive always had a terrible relationship with her because of it. shes never had anything to do with me since i was a baby. thankfully i was able to reunite with my dad when i was 16 and hes taking care of everything his self. tell you daughter-in-law to kill her with kindness. i know its not the same situation but send the save the dates, the shower invitation, the formal invitation etc. tell her to just stop trying to include her in the planning process though. maybe that way her mother will see what she is missing and come around. thats what im doing.

it sounds like youre doing a great job already! kudos to you for opening your home to her and doing this!

She needs someone to be there for her to fill in that role her mother chose to abandon and it looks like you're doing it just fine. As someone who didn't grow up with either parent, I can only applaud your efforts at trying to be there for you FDIL. She's very lucky to be able to marry into your family.

I feel you are already doing a wonderful job for her. Just continue to give her that "family" support and love. Her Mom is missing out.. I can't imagine not having a relationship with either one of my daughters and not being there for them. Regardless, weather you agree with them or not... ultimately, it is their decision. I want nothing but happiness for them and would support them and be there for them unconditional. Kudos to you as FMIL!

You are doing it all right! my FMIL has been my wedding planner and biggest supporter through this whole process. she went dress shopping with me(so did my mom who showed up an hour late), she has helped with anything and everything and talks to me daily about wedding stuff. I love it because i know i am not driving someone crazy talking about wedding all the time =) just being supportive is what she needs. You are an amazing person for caring so much and i love the fact that you are on WW =) lol

WOW!! I am in tears with all of y'all stories and words of encouragement. My feelings have always been, even if I didn't think my child was making the right choice..... it was theirs to make and I would support my child even if I couldn't agree with their decision. Then if it ended badly they would always know they could come to me without any second thought. All we can do is love and support out kids the best we can. I love my kids and I am getting a wonderful DIL.

We have been dress shopping once and are going again this week. This time my DH is going to go to and DIL2B is so excited he is going. She has told her mom she was going and even asked her if she wanted to go the last time but she didn't respond and this last time she said something about it her mom didn't even acknowledge what she said. But we are going and will make it another great day.

She did tell me today that she wants to ask her mom to make her cake. Her mom is very good at that and makes great cakes. At first I had to fight back my own personal feelings of protection, not wanting her to do that but I told her that it was a good idea. She will either say yes or no. It's one last attempt to let her have a change to show her support. Her mom is a appearance type of mom and I know she will show up at the wedding do to how it will look to others if she isn't there. But not because she supports. Maybe she will agree to do to cake and that will help her get some happy feelings about the wedding.

Hillary, I am so sorry for you loss and I feel for you. I have been thinking about that very thing and I found some charms on Etsy that she can put special pictures of her and her dad in them and then we have them attached to her bouquet. She saw a sign that had a little saying on in and you put it in the seat where her dad would have been sitting and it seemed sweet. But we talked and I told her to just be careful, he would want you to have a happy fun time and not have a small memorial to him. Something that everyone would look at and it bring on sadness. Just think about it, pray about it and then she will make the right choice. So I was thinking the charms would give her that closeness that she was wanting with out to much sadness.

I always make sure I tell her I have NO idea how she feels, I can't even imagine how I would deal with it and I am so PROUD of her and how she is handling the entire thing .

She is way better than me some times because I find my self fighting the thoughts of..... if I pay for all of this and plan it all out and help her make this the best day it can be for them and her mom does show up and falls into the mother of the bride role like she did so good......... but then I take a deep breath and let it all go. LOL I haven't had to many of those moments yet, only when she has had a talk with her mom and she is upset about something that was said or something that wasn't said. LOL Mother loin coming out in me. LOL

As I said, you are doing a great job by supporting and simply being there for her. Let her know that regardless of her mother's decision, she should enjoy this process and not let it get her down. I know my own mother will be disappointed in my decision to get married while I'm attending school, but I know I want to spend my life with my FH & getting married won't hinder me.

You are a wonderful woman. LIke other ladies have said, just being there for her and supporting her is amazing, and more than her mother is doing. I think you should just continue to be there for her--she is lucky to have you!

Wow! I have to agree with all these ladies - You are amazing!! My parents and future in-laws are all on board but my siblings are not. I do get upset about it every once in a while but once FH lets me cry on his shoulder I feel better. Knowing she has someone, even if it's not the someone she dreamed about when she was a little girl, is better than nothing. It's a hard place to be in...hoping your family comes but in the back of your mind knowing it'd be easier and less stressful if they didn't....keep on keepin' on!

Wow! haha, I have been in a similar situation, but I'm the bride. (I also had to live with my fiance's parents for a bit after returning from university in Canada.) Our wedding is also May of 2015, and my soon-to-be mother in law has come with me dress shopping, to look at venues, and to go to bridal shows. Although my fiance and I will be paying for most of the wedding, they've offered to help a lot financially and emotionally. (His dad has even offered to go dress shopping with me, haha.)

Just give her love and support; tell her she's beautiful and that you are so excited to be part of her special day. Tell her that she will still be surrounded by people who love and support her on that day.

... and things may get better. My mother has been turning around a little bit.

You are doing all the right things, and you are laying an awesome foundation for the rest of your relationship with her and your son. Even if her mother does decide to show up at the wedding for appearances sake, that doesn't make her any more of a mother or support system (it's almost worse, it would have nothing to do with love for her daughter.) It sounds like you will be the one there to support and celebrate with your FDIL for all of the milestones yet to come, like purchasing a home, getting a job, having babies. Just keep reminding her that you will stand by her no matter what her decisions, and allow her to get excited and silly to you during wedding planning and on the flip side allow her to be sad and frustrated to you. The family we are born with doesn't always include the best people in our lives, and you are doing an awesome job filling that void.