Mother In-Law Issues

@SUYU You should tell. I don't think it will stop your father from helping. You need support.

I feel like I don't have much room to complain after seeing the other comments here. I already vented a bit about this in WTF Wednesday because I had another instance of FMIL issues over the weekend. FMIL was a single mom, it was just her and FH. She had him when she war in her late 30s and has been used to getting her way on everything and being in charge since she's been living as the only adult in her house for 50 or so years. Her and FH are really close, overbearingly so, as she still treats him like a child and makes doctors appointments and tries to nose her way into our finances. She constantly goes on about how much she loves FH'S best friend's wife (who FH is actually not a fan of), and it's massively uncomfortable for me. Those things irritate me a little, but I could live with them. My major issue with her is the disrespect she shows me. FH and I have a2 year old son and from the moment she found out we were pregnant, FMIL has acted like our son is her son. She's constantly going against our wishes and doing things I don't want her to do with him. She acts as though she's entitled to take my son to her house for the day at least once a week (and even that she complains about, and I am INCREDIBLY uncomfortable wroth her going over there with her for the day.) She has told me on multiple occasions that she loves my son more than I do (which is insane because I'm unfortunately one of the most overly attached mothers I know), and if we let her watch him while we go on a date (which has only happened a few times) and one of us mentions missing him she glares at me and says "well I miss him more and I have to do that all the time so you guys can deal with it". She's highly affectionate with pretty much everyone but me. I have no advice. I don't know how to handle my own situation. Just that you aren't alone of you have these problems. Clearly a lot of us deal with them.

As of right now, no, but I get the feeling that might change soon and it will be mostly because of FSIL, I think. The last couple of times we went down there, she has ignored me completely. Normally it wouldn't bother me except that FH's mom and step dad jump to this girls aid anytime she's in the wrong. For instance, they encourage her to backtalk her teachers and will go up to the school when one of these teachers have had enough and tell the principal that FSIL is being treated unfairly. From what I've heard about FH's ex, FSIL decided one day she didn't like her and that was it. FMIL and FH's step dad no longer liked the girl and I feel like I'm inching closer and closer to that.

I haven't mentioned it to FH because I don't want to cause issues between him and his family, and I honestly don't know how he would react should the three of them decide they no longer like me because they won't keep it a secret if they do. Basically I'm in a, 'wait and see,' kind of thing.

@SuYa ....... Holy Cow. That sounds like a huge mess and I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all of it. It seems weird for her to be so concerned about inviting her people and bringing gifts, when she won't even be there. I don't want to assume or look like an ass, but do you think any of the difficulties may be cultural? Being FH is a Chinese male only child, I can't help but think about a few things, like (SERIOUS DISCLAIMER: I am absolutely not trying to be offensive, and have no personal experience with Chinese culture, only what I've learned from research; I'm just being open about the questions SuYa's situation brought up in my head. I'm very aware I don't know them or their family situation or how long they've been in America and/or adopted aspects of American culture. Feel free to school me if I'm off-base, and you have PERSONAL knowledge, because I'm happy to learn and correct myself.) : Maybe she has a hard time with her son getting married/letting him go because he's been her ONLY child? Maybe she doesn't know how involved to be or has deeper feelings about it because she's not the mother of the bride, and won't ever be? Maybe, and this is real supposition here people, is it possible she ever did have another child, or a daughter, and the whole wedding thing is more conflicting for her than anyone would know?

Then again, as we all see from this and other MIL threads, there could be no concrete reason at all. Parents have hard times "giving their kids away" for any number of reasons, so hopefully things will smooth out and she'll come around a bit more. Either way, I hope you feel better now that you've shared, and I'd love to hear more of your input on the situation, SuYa.

FMIL and I have our moments, but we get along incredibly to the point that shocks most people: she's my employer. We're together almost every day, and the worst thing she does is text and talk on the phone while driving, constantly, which I CAN NOT STAND, but clearly it could be much worse.

My ex MIL made eye contact with me probably twice the entire time I was with her son, and repeatedly left messages on our home phone saying he would never amount to anything, and at least once that she wished she'd had an abortion. Some of these people just have their own issues, MIL or not.

For the most part I get along pretty well with my FMIL, the one real issue we had was when she wanted to bring a +1 when we asked her not to. My FH was married once before and his ex-wife had a daughter by someone else, who grew up calling my FH "dad" and is still very close with my FMIL. FH and I didn't feel comfortable with her coming to the wedding but my FMIL was very offended. Eventually I sat her down and explained why I felt uncomfortable and that I had nothing against the girl, it just didn't seem appropriate. I never talk about anything wedding related when she's around to avoid her feeling left out and if it becomes an issue I will talk to the girl about it as well. But my FMIL understood and we get along great

OP - I don't understand this thread. You created a thread to discuss MIL problems; but you have yet to share anything related to yours. Seems gossipy.

I made this thread because I too have those issues. Not as bad. My issues was more religious based. We grew up in different religions so she not too happy about that. But my husband to be does not care what anyone says. That's why I say at the end of the day if your mate love you then that's all that matters. But this thread has helped me heal greatly.

@ Melody what religion

@Jazz, I'm going to tell my dad this weekend. I think my parents may understand this situation more than i give them credit for. They may have experienced something similar. FH mentioned to me a few days ago that his mom did go through this with her MIL.

@Chelsea Holy cow is a nice way to put it. I don't know everything about Chines culture, but I am learning. The bring gifts to friends and family is a fairly a new thing and not wedding related (which I had to research on my own, because she was not forthcoming with all the details). I have been cautious about our 2 cultures in the planning and how we celebrate.

what I learned: When people visit their family and friends back in China they bring gifts. Big items like brand name clothes, iphone, etc are way more expensive in China,so people bring them back to their friends and family. It's a new custom I don't mind including. FH and I fully understand the importance and we are on board with it. When I visited Shanghai, FH's family and friends gave me gifts as a welcoming. They all knew of me because FMIL would talk about us as her 2 kids.

To answer a few more questions: My FH and his mom have been here since he was 6 years old (Est. 26yrs). His dad arrived 2 years earlier on a student visa.

"Maybe she has a hard time with her son getting married/letting him go because he's been her ONLY child?" This is all I can hope for at this point.

Culture: school and graduating from college is a huge deal, so I understand her concern here. But we are adults and FH is responsible enough to help them buy a house and pay for a mortgage, so I feel like she needs to let this go now. FH has spoken to her about how he feels when she brings this up to him and she has recently stopped. It really did bother him, so bringing this issue up has helped.

I love my mil we get alone great do things together joke around i couldn't have asked for a better mil when i went dress shopping i took my mother and mother in law we all had a great time my mother in law bought me my veil that was $200 they except me and my son into their lives and she calls him her grandson because of my past and that makes me very happy.

SuYa, please rethink telling your parents...... It's really not wise to drag others into your relationship with someone else. How are you going to deal with it, if this creates a real rift and adds 100% more drama between the parents? Do you really expect your relationship with your FH to NOT be affected if a feud develops between your parents? What do you expect your parents to do about it? If they can't do anything what is the purpose in burdening them? Just please think through your motivations and be very sure that you are prepared for any variety of outcomes. Including the possibility you may be disappointed in the lack of response from your own parents. How will you feel if they believe you are as much a part of the issue as FMIL? I'm just afraid that the negative possibilities far outweigh any positive ones. Good luck and I really do hope this turns out well.

Sorry OP - I have missed your previous posts but now this makes more sense.

@Midwest the only reason why I say that is because she needs a support system. Hey doing it by herself is hard. I think her parents are mature enough to help her on the sidelines.

@midwest Thanks for that insight. that is why it has been a struggle. I really do like my FMIL and I do not want them to see this light of her. Everything that will be discussed will be first talked over with my FH. The most important thing for us right now is to be on the same page which we are. I have a lot to talk about with my dad this weekend about the wedding in general. My lil brother is a part of the wedding party. My dad and his wife may ask about FH's parents, just out of curiosity and general concern, but I/we will choose our words wisely. I'm definitely not looking to start any kind of war. My dad has always been very supportive of me, so I am not too concerned with him knowing and details or questions he may have. On the other hand, my mom and I are not really close. but she really likes my FH and has always been on board about the DW. My mom will be attending the wedding with my aunt, her sister. My mom has 5 sisters, so I have chosen not to burden her with that info, because I do not want rumors to spread.

@Jazz "the only reason why I say that is because she needs a support system. Hey doing it by herself is hard. I think her parents are mature enough to help her on the sidelines." Exactly how I have been feeling this past few months. At first I kept a lot bottled inside because I didn't fully understand the situation. FMIL loves me like a daughter, has offered to help with the guest list, but won't attend the wedding. Very confusing to say the least. But after sitting down with FH, shared my feelings and he too shared his thoughts and feelings, we have decided to deal with this situation together. With the election and this, I have felt terribly lost, but this sit down has helped a lot. FH has been making progress and this has made me feel like I have a support system and I am not alone.

"the election" UGH. UUUGGGGGHHHHH... ugh. The day after, I didn't even know if I wanted a wedding anymore. Or breakfast. Or to take another breath in this country. Hopefully you too have a community of people coming together to support and protect each other, and start figuring out where we go from here. But anyway... LET'S ALL GET MARRIED!!!!

My fmil and I have an awesome relationship. I really love her. My mom also loves my fh as if he were one of her own sons. So I'm happy about that. But to you ladies with fmil issues, my advice is to avoid getting near your fmil as often as possible. Good luck with your weddings and good luck with your in law issues

I really don't like my MIL. I just limit my contact with her as much as possible.

I am fortunate.. my FMIL and I get along. Though we have our moments.. she is not a huge fan or FBIL's wife and hates that her and I have a good relationship... but the one thing she has done that irks me is.. she has asked FH on numerous occasions, if he really want to marry me. I know he is the baby of the family, but still hurts a little.

My MIL and I got along great for 11 years. Then we went to my uncle's memorial services and were supposed to stay at her place on the way home. She flipped out because we got a hotel room instead. I just needed time to go cry without a bunch of people around. She flipped out, told me she didn't want DH to marry me, told me I'm a spoiled rotten bish, said I was trying to keep DH from seeing her, claimed she needed counseling afterwards because of the trauma I caused her, didn't show up to our wedding because of it, etc... Keep in mind, this happened the day after going to a viewing and memorial service for my uncle that died at an early age from cancer. But, SHE was traumatized. ETA - I forgot to mention that DH spent that night taking her to dinner and visiting with her at her house. So, he DID get to spend time with her.