Mother In-Law Issues

I can't even begin to explain all of my FMIL issues but here's a little taste. She FLIPPED out when I didn't take her dress shopping. (Note- only my mom and I went because I thought that made t more special). Anyway she cried for 3 days, told her daughter, FSIL, how pissed off she was and mad at me she was and how I hurt her feelings, etc, etc. Like why couldn't she just be happy i found my dress instead of making it all about her and how she didn't get to go. She also very much has to be the center of attention so you can imagine how that's going for our wedding. I feel like she just makes everything 100 times more stressful. We are having a destination wedding and FH and I are paying for everything ourselves and she was so mad when we told her she couldn't invite her friends. Neither of our parents are inviting friends so it shouldn't have been that big of a deal. My parents didn't have a problem at all, they understand we can't afford to pay for the friends and family we are inviting and also their friends. So we decided to let FMIL plan an engagement party for us so her friends could be invited to that.

Sorry for the long post ^! But can't talk to FH about it since it's his mom and you ladies know what I'm dealing with here!

I love my MIL we have always got along really well. We are actually very close. I am so grateful for our relationship because i can't imagine how awful it'd be to have some of the issues in this discussion with my MIL. My one SIL is another story- She is extremely hard to get along with so i keep her at a distance. The other SIL is a doll and so sweet!

Everyone has family issues- make the best of it.

WOW WOW WOW Ladies

@ Markie why couldn't the friends come if they paid their way. Just curious

My issues with MIL isn't with me, when I'm around she's a happy camper but when it's my FH with his family something always happens.. I feel like MIL acts one way and does another. She's not happy with our wedding costs and why things are the way I want to be done... I feel the drama is slowing coming this way.

Every now and then my MIL will say something off the wall that is way too religious for me, but what makes me angry is that she talks about things like she knows enough about them to actually have an opinion. My personal favorite was telling me something about international relations when I have two specialized degrees in the subject. Like, if you can just say whatever you want about it and tell me I know nothing about it, why did I spend so much time studying it? But that's only happened twice and after I told her that I didn't appreciate her discounting my education because I had worked really hard in school, she got the message. We have a great relationship overall, and she's been wonderful to me (which wasn't the case with SIL.... they still don't get along very well and she and BIL have been married over 10 years).

My MIL is awesome. I was worried because I married her baby (youngest of four boys) but no complaints. I have seen my share of bad MILs including my own grandmother to my mom.

@jazz i don't know any of her friends and FH doesn't really either. It's A small intimate ceremony and reception 25-30 of our family and closest friends

Oh I don't even know where to begin with this one.

We have a mutual no contact code. H and I have little to no contact with her.

@jazz she's also very very drama centered. Her and her friends (she's 52 mind you) have more drama then I ever had in grade school, high school or college combined. It's unreal. FH and FSIL always say she is forever stuck at the age of 19

1) I cannot believe the drama everyone has to deal with! That's nuts!

2) I cannot believe I complained that my FMIL sent me e-mail after e-mail asking which dress to wear to the wedding because she's so excited. Never again will I complain.

Wow girls your FMILS make my FMIL look like a saint! Mine loved me when she first met me, then despised me for like a year, and finally we are getting along fine. We have been together for 7 years and she used to be overly involved in our relationship or at least try to be. She never put me down in any way, just wants to desperately be involved. She is a single mother with two sons and my FH is the first one to get married. Well I put my foot down and now she is no longer prying. She does occasionally try to show me how to clean lol yes clean (eyeroll) meanwhile my house is definitely clean. I am a neat freak dust, vacuum and sanitize everyday. But i let her have some glory and FH and I lol about it later.

I'm fortunate to have a much better relationship with FMIL than I used to. A lot of her issues with us stem from the fact that FH doesn't make an effort to call or text his Mom and she feels like he doesn't care. She's had a negative reaction to us moving to another County (she never visited us anyway when we lived near her), didn't say congratulations to us when we got engaged and has made comments about my weight repeatedly. However, I think the rest of my in-laws told her she was acting like a jackals because she has been wonderful more recently. I've made more effort for our relationship and she's definitely been reciprovating. I'm definitely more grateful for our relationship now that I see how batshit some of the MILs on this thread are.

@mrsmartinez FMIL found out we weren't having a BP at all and that FSIL wouldn't be standing with us and went ballistic. Still brings it up to me constantly. "You guy's HAVE to have a BP. My son NEEDS his sister standing by him blah blah blah". I know the feeling on that issue! Your MIL sounds EXACTLY like mine!

I guess it is time for a vent... I'm going to start off by saying my FMIL was super nice to me when we first met 2.5 years ago. Always offering me food when we visit, always asked me if I'm happy, invited me to Shanghai and paid for my ticket (I created a website for FH dad's artwork here in the States and started some social media accounts, which they were grateful for), asked FH and I to buy a house with her and FFIL (to help save for the wedding).

Well after all the stress that comes with planning to buy a house, we got the house. A few days later my mom hosted an engagement dinner for us that was planned months in advanced (FMIL new about it, but waited till the very last minute to decide if she was coming, she even waited a few hours before the dinner to tell her really close friend who showed up under dressed - no biggie I just felt sorry for her friend, she appeared to be a last minute invite). FMIL had a stack of invites to give out 2 months in advance. To sum it up: it was really difficult getting addresses to send invites and thank you notes back to her friends/family. This made me very uncomfortable, because I felt my etiquette was being controlled by my FMIL.

Now in the new house, there is absolutely no wedding talk. She is just focus on decorating the house...new new everything. The worst part is that she wants FH to tag along with her to buy curtains, blinds, vacuum, etc. It's like she wants an escort. FH has told her that he doesn't have time for that stuff and that she will just get what she likes anyways. FMIL doesn't value her son's opinion, but wants him there so she could say, "no that is ugly, what about this?" FH works about 50hrs a week and is taking real estate classes on top of planning a DW. He has talked to her about this, he told her that she needs to respect that I'm going to be his wife and that he needs to do things for me as well. I am happy he is trying to find a balance. So far it has worked and she has backed off a bit.

The biggest issue I am struggling with is that we live with FMIL and FFIL. At first I had no problem with this. It really did seem like a good idea and from how we got along I didn't expect what I am going through now. She has ignored everything wedding. I can walk up the stairs right by her holding my wedding dress, bridesmaid dress, save-the-dates when they came in the mail (nothing, she didn't even put it on the fridge - the one addressed to her), bridal spa day she was a no show (never apologized, but told future husband weeks later, "oh I didn't realize it was something important," she knew, FH told her how important it was before hand.

We are currently working on addresses for our China guest list and she is willing to help FH, but she and FFIL are not attending the wedding. I think I would handle this better if I didn't have to see them everyday. The sad thing is that FFIL wants to go, but FMIL controls him.

Now to the excuses: She doesn't see FH as a man because he never graduated college. FH runs his own business and pays the majority of the mortgage. Her excuses for not going to the wedding started here and then went on to: I'm not sure who to invite, I don't want to offend people for not inviting them and I don't want to offend people for inviting them (FH and I want a small wedding in Shanghai and only planned on inviting his close family that we met when we visited 1.5 years ago 30ppl), we have asked her for a list as well. Then there is politics, FFIL is a well known artist in Shanghai and she thinks it is rude to visit China without bringing their friends and family gifts (FH and I have already included that in our budget). We are paying for our own wedding and we don't mind bringing gifts. Now it is she can't get the time off of work. I feel like the only people she doesn't care to offend is FH and I who live in the same house.

Trying to understand this: FH is an only child. It is obvious to me that she is over protective of him and has this need for him, its very controlling and manipulative. FH does recognize this. It makes me sad to come home to this everyday, but FH and I have been communicating our feelings with each other and have a plan B set for the outcome (FMIL and FFIL not attending the wedding). Our plan B is to move out after the wedding. We could do it now, but then we would have to postpone the wedding. With less than 5 months to go and our bridal party, family, friends and ourselves have all bought flight tickets, hotel and arrangements, so this is not an option. My only option right now is to accept their decision, even though it is hard.

The guilt: My parents have always been on board with the DW. They all love my FH, like a lot. This makes me happy. My dad wants to help pay, but I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel like if I accept his money, I owe it to my dad to tell him about how my FMIL is acting toward us and the wedding. Or do I just play dumb and hope for the best. My parents think FH parents are the best and I'm finding it hard not to tell them how I am really feeling. On the other hand, FH has said to trust him and things will work out. (I'm hoping for this to be normal FMIL behavior)

To tell or not to tell, is what I am struggling with. It's not easy, but FH and I are on the same page and that makes things a whole lot better.

I'm going to say wow for my own comment because I did not realize I had so much to vent

SO glad to see I am not the only one! I'll leave it at that!

Elphaba, my experience has been just the same as your's! I hope to have a good outcome as well someday. My Fiance's family has had interventions showing up at his work place (he is a science professor) and trying to convince him to leave me. They tried and are still trying to get him to move out of our house and back in with them. They made no attempt to get to know me ever, never even asked how we met, never ask us how we are, and have never taken an interest in us as a couple. They continue to call me his ex gf's name even though they broke up back when he was in college (long time ago), and admitted to him that they don't like me because they assume things about me and have made conclusions based on their assumptions. They said i'm not christian because I am a different denomination than they are, and that I won't get into heaven because there is only one way to practice religion, which is THEIR WAY. I haven't seen them in half a year now and out of all of his huge family I only received one congratulations on our engagement which was from his mom in a text message. I literally have no idea what the future holds with his family, but I but I won't hold my breath! The drama with his family has become so overwhelming that we are seeking out counseling solely to deal with the issues associated with his family. It's really been horrendous, and so taxing on us over the past two years.

One of the things we have to learn is that if our FH love us that's all that matters. You can show your FMIL love and regardless if she accepts the love or not its up to them. That's their problem. Just be a good wife that's your only job.