Mom taken over wedding planning.

I'm sorry, but you're in your late 30s and you couldn't figure out a way to say, "Thanks for the offer, Mom, but we're paying for and planning our wedding ourselves"?

You're a grown woman, and this was completely avoidable. You didn't have to accept her financing your wedding.

You always, always, always have a choice

Saying np is a choice, one that may come with consequences, but still a choice.

Either put your big girl pants on and tell your mom how you feel, or deal with resenting her for taking over your wedding. You have a choice.

My guess is this is not the only time in your life where your mother has crossed boundaries and/or taken things over.

If this is a common pattern for your mother, then you should not be surprised and should have anticipated this occurring. My parents are involved in our wedding finances as well and I accepted their offer, knowing that my mother would likely get a little too overexcited about planning. We have a relationship where I can tell her (or talk to my father, who in turn talks to her - if it's something I need a mediator for) that she needs to back down. If you don't have that kind of relationship, then you probably should have rethought accepting their help.

Sounds like it's time for some serious discussion with yourself about how to change your relationship with your parents, especially your mother, so that you're seen as an *adult* daughter and not just their daughter.

I would elope. Forget the wedding/reception

I agree with PP, at this point, just elope.

I'm of the possibly UO that although someone paying has a say, it should still be what the bride/groom wants in the end. I'm sorry that she's taken over and disregarding what you wanted for your wedding. Maybe try to have a talk with her, and if she still won't listen, elope.

I hate to say it, but if she's paying, she gets the say. If you want to control the planning, you could politely ask her to not fund it and fund it yourselves.

Well, let's see...it's being held in her house, she's inviting 40 of her closest friends, she's paying for it, is changing vendors to conform to her vision, and has decided how the event will present to your guests (hers actually). It sounds about right to me.

You, Alice, have a lot of excuses, and it started with you saying that you wanted to finance your own wedding, but you had no choice but to let your mother host it (at her house, of all places), and pay for it. You had a choice, and here it is: "Mom, thanks for the generosity, but that's not happening. We don't want a home wedding -- not your home, not our home, and not FH's parents' home. We are also paying for everything ourselves."

If her response to be challenged by her adult daughter is to inflict the silent treatment, then maybe it's time she learns the silent treatment works both ways. If she likes the silent treatment, give it to her.

Either that, or get very comfortable with mom emotionally controlling you for the rest of your life. After a while, and it could take years, you will lose your sense of self-respect, and I promise you, false peace is no substitute for self-respect.

She was probably offended because telling her "you're on the same team" makes it sound like she wasn't acting like she was

I get the whole "they pay they say" thing but I think it's fucked up to offer to pay but then not allow you to make decisions. If I paid for my kids wedding I would give the money with no strings attached. But hey what do I know

This is one of the reasons why I wish parents that want to financially help, would just decide on a $ amt n hand it over for the couple to deal with...as a gift/no strings attached. This also sets the limit right away n parents aren't dishing out more than expected.

You said that her planning your wedding ended up not being a choice, or something to that. You gave her the okay right there to run the show. You should've stood your ground, said no and told her that you and FH were going to pay for it. It's not your moms fault you couldn't stand up for yourself. There are only 2 options... 1) tell her you you're canceling what she's planned and do it yourself. Or 2) keep it mom planning your wedding

Do not attend this wedding your mother is putting on. Put on the one you want, paid for by you. Her not speaking to you would be freeing.

Sounds like some serious emotional manipulation on her part. I'm so sorry. Has she ever gotten like this before?

Unfortunately the only way to regain some control of your wedding is to out some serious boundaries in place and stand firm despite silent treatment, hurtful accusations, blowups, etc. This is more easily said than done, of course. Step one is to try to have a heart-to-heart in which you say what you've said here: that you are hurt and feel that your wedding is no longer yours. Then draw your lines and stick to them (specific ones, like: you get final say on guest list and vendors). Every time your mom crosses them, end the conversation. If she says she won't come to your wedding, say she will be missed if that is her choice.

You have my sympathies, but also realize that this is the perfect time to practice the dynamic you will have with your mom going forward.

If you had the money to do your own wedding why did you let her completely take over? That's on you unfortunately.

P.S. You worry that your mom would "never speak to me again" if you did your wedding the way you wanted. Do you realize how fucked up that is? If that is the kind of dynamic that your mom enforces, you should seriously consider whether you want her in your life at all. I do NOT say that lightly. This is your life.

I am so sorry to hear this. You have a narcissistic mother, as I do. She planned my first wedding and it was nothing like what I wanted. When I told her that, she said "you don't know what you want."

If you can grin and bear it, do the wedding and then establish boundaries with your mom. But if I could go back in time, I would have eloped. Not standing up to my mom with the wedding fiasco set the stage for my entire marriage.

Wishing you the best, OP.

I totally agree with Kelly. This does not sound like a healthy relationship OP. your mom never speaking to you again because you planned the wedding you want signifies deeper issues. You have to sit her down and establish some boundaries. I understand the you pay you say thing but this has spun out of control. If she is not willing to bend it is up to you to take control. That means telling her that you will be handling the planning from now on (financially included) and if she wishes to bow out of your life that is her poor choice to make.

You don't have to take this OP. I mean this kindly: if this turns out to be your mother's wedding it's SOLELY because you let it happen.

Honestly, I would go to the fitting confident and excited, and call her bluff...If she doesn't show up, then it's her loss.

Meredith, this post is from April 2017. I would, however, love an update!