Mom taken over wedding planning.

But I now feel like I am banned from planning my wedding at all.

My mother was out of the country when I chose my dress and is now refusing to go to my fitting. FH is actually the only person who has seen it and I just want to drink mimosas with my mom and enjoy this!

How do I, when my mom refuses to talk or compromise, make this process about love and family? I'm actually dreading everything leading up to the day and that doesn't feel right.

She's paying, so she gets to decide what that money gets spent on. You want to plan your own wedding with no input, pay for it yourself.

How do you make this process about love and family? It already is. Just because your mother doesn't want to go to your fitting it doesn't mean she doesn't love or cherish you as her daughter.

Unfortunately, when someone else is paying, they are the ones who have the final say. If you wanted your wedding a certain way, you should have turned down their offer.

Take responsibility, both financially and logistically. You are acting like a child, allowing mommy to run things, so she's treating you like one.

You don't have to show up for "her" wedding you know. You can plan a different event.

Here is the thing--I tried to turn down their offer but it quickly became not a choice.

Also, that antidote about the fitting is more an example of her refusing to see or speak to me really for no reason. So I would call that behavior not about love at all.

Even if your mom is paying, it's still your wedding and she should respect that or not offer to pay. At this point, I think you need to balance your concerns about the wedding with your family relationship after the wedding. Can you set aside some time to sit down with both parents and hash things out? It's crazy that this wedding has you and your mother not on speaking terms. You can apologize for your role in things and ask them to respect you and your FH in the rest of the planning.

You're an adult, who is old enough to get married. No is a complete sentence.

She is also an adult. You can't control her behavior, only your response. Continue to reach out to her while enjoying the company of the people who do want to accompany you to a dress fitting, or whatever other love and family based activities you'd like.

@midwestmay if I just plan another event and invite her, that is a sure fire way to have her never speak to me again or show up.

I was planning on financing this myself and fully planned a wedding myself but my mother, without consulting me, purchased a lot of things on her own, to excess. I don't want her to "run things" but also don't want her to never speak to me again.

FH and I both make plenty of money and are in our late thirties, hardly children. I never wanted her to pay but she's making that happen.

Thanks though for the "detailed" and helpful advice.

Face it. It's become her wedding. And you let it happen.

Alice, you absolutely could have said no.

You need to have a conversation with her now, tell her to cancel what she's planned, and start over.

@mrscoakleytobe ahhhhh I wish you could meet my mother.

Also, looking for advice meaning future, not past.

Can you invite your mom to lunch/dinner? Do it under the guise of not having enough time with her and just wanting to catch up. During the meal you have your "come to Jesus" moment. Be respectful, but state your feelings. "When you changed the caterer, this is how that made me feel...." Keep calm, practice what you're going to say so you can remove the hurt feelings and it doesn't come across as an accusation.

I think the train has left the station at this point regarding the plans for the wedding, but perhaps by having a good, productive conversation you can put some elements of what you and FH wanted back into the wedding; but pick your battles/mountains. For example, is it worth arguing about the wine vendor?

Where to begin?

"My mother and father very generously will be hosting our wedding *at their home as well as paying for it.*"

It's their home. It's their money. You're right, they're being very generous here, and you could have turned down said generousity; especially if you're in your late thirties.

"My mother since has completely hijacked the wedding..." No, she didn't. It's their house. It's their money. She's allowed to do with both as she wills.

I hate referring to weddings as businesses, but lets face the facts here, she's the majority stakes holder, and she calls the shots. This is what happens when someone invests their money to pay for 100% of the wedding that isn't even theirs; in short, it becomes theirs, because it's *their* money.

"I want my mothers input and we added a lot of elements that were her ideas..." You're admitting to enabling this behavior. You allowed her to have her way. You did not say, "No, we want to do x-instead, therefore we will pay for it."

The word "input" is beginning to seem synonymous with "approval" here.

If you want the wedding you want, you pay for it yourself. She can pitch a fit all she wants, but it's up to you to put your foot down.

Honestly? Sounds like you need boundaries with your mother. Big time.

Pay for your wedding, decline their offer, and be happy about hosting the wedding *you* want.

Or, have her and your father continue to fund it and host it at their home, and deal with their vision.

Yikes!!! It sounds like your Mom is trying to live out her own dream and not considering you and your FH at all. I'm sure you didn't know when you accepted the offer that they would be taking over the planning. A gift should be a gift. Unfortunately your gift came with strings attached. Your wedding is in a couple months so it's too late to really do anything about it now. You could try to talk to her again. You may just have to go with whatever she wants. Now you know though! Next time she gives you bday money just assume she'll be telling you what to buy. Sorry you are dealing with this.

I'm such an asshole, I'd just go elope and tell her sorry for all the work you put in.

My mom is trying to take over my wedding a little bit, not nearly as bad. She said her mom did the same thing to her that your mom is doing which is ironic that she's kind of doing it to me too. When my mom was being crazy I threatened to elope. She would say oh you can't we put deposits down and I would look right at her and say so what. She would kind of calm down for awhile. I think your mom should have some say because she's paying but it's YOUR wedding. Try to talk to her and if all else fails you could try my strategy. Good luck! I hope it works out and you can have the wedding you want.

"Here is the thing--I tried to turn down their offer but it quickly became not a choice."

It's ALWAYS a choice. You pay for the wedding and send her an invitation. She can decide whether to come or not, but you have to be okay with her choice. It sounds like you're just not ready to cut the apron springs and simply want advice on how to cope with them.

I'd decline the cash and plan the wedding FH and I want. Even if that means postponing it to save up the money we need.

If you did that I'm sure your mom would be mad, but in my opinion having the wedding that represents my marriage is more important than pleasing others.

I also don't understand how it wasn't a choice. You're an adult. You can say NO.

In your situation, I would elope. Really.

Or grow some balls and tell her that you're calling it off and planning something on your own.