Mom Not Happy About Engagement

Reality check: you are a 30 year old woman. Your mom does not have any say over your life. At all.

Whoa. That's crazy.

I'm really disappointed in my moms reaction but it was the exact opposite. She basically knew it was going to happen and just didn't care.

Mother doesn't always know best. You're an adult. Take control of your life.

Are you still living at home with your parent(s)?

No, I don't still live with my parents, lol. Haven't for some time. And yes, I pay my own bills, have a full-time job--all that good stuff. I'm prepared to take out student loans, if necessary. It's not so much about the money--I was just appalled by my mother's reaction.

I'm still in shock that she would say the things she said. Someone earlier mentioned something about a nacissistic mother. I think they may have been spot on about my mom.

Sadly, I've been down this road before. I just never want to believe she's the way she is...it's difficult to explain. But this is a time in my life that I wanted so bad for her to just be happy for me. This is not something she wants to deal with right now, though, so she's using a variety of tactics to make sure she "wins" and gets her way.

I know from experience that there's no way to win against her, so my fiancé and I are just not including her anymore. She'll be upset about that too, but like I said, there's no winners in this situation.

You're a grown ass woman. You do what you want.

I still would like to know the situation with your college money from your grandfather. You said it was "willed" to you. If he left it to you in his will, then how does she have it?

Makes no sense to me holding your financial future over a couple of words and some legal documentation.

As for your updated post, I agree with your conclusion. Some people are a losing battle and it's best not to include them.

It's time to cut the cord.

It's time, especially if you're planning on combining your life with someone else.

Sounds like your mom wants everything her way or the highway, but too bad it doesn't work out like that. You are 30 YEARS OLD I get that she is paying for your school, but that doesn't mean she gets to hold that over your head. I feel as you should do what is best for you and your FH, and sure enough she will get over it because she doesn't really have a choice.

No one ever wants to believe their parents are as bad as they are, and that's what keeps them in thrall.

Some people have shitty parents. I would be very careful not to tip your hand, but leave. Put your money where she can't reach it. Your car keys, etc. Time to be sneaky.

Love is love. You know exactly who you are marring being that you've known each other for so long. Do what makes your heart happy. Student loans for 3 years isn't so bad.

I hear you Meg. My parents were awful when I told them (didn't talk to them for weeks after a big fight about it), it's so hard when you're so excited about it and your parents are suddenly and oddly so unsupportive about such a big exciting event. As for the control thing, I disagree with everyone saying you should be paying for everything yourself just because you're 30. I paid for all of my school myself, but that's just my own personal experience, if you're mother agreed to pay for your school then of course that's what you could expect. But I also would not let someone have SO MUCH control over my life. I would just call her bluff, but prepare for her to actually follow through and have a back-up plan. As for including her in things, I would give her some time to cool off and then try to include her in smaller things, limit her involvement but maybe don't cut her out entirely just yet. If she continues to be toxic and unsupportive, then you can re-evaluate how much you tell her or include her in your plans. Cutting her out so quickly could cause her to lash out and could really damage your relationship. Wedding's bring out some crazy sh*t in people, give her a little time to adjust.

Here's an idea... It's time for you to have a plan for your life, not mommy dearest.

Gosh, that sounds like my mom..

Cut the cord, dear. Pay your own way. You're not entitled to her continuing to pay unless its in writing. If you want to live the way you want, you need to cut her off. The only power she has is the power you give her.

Saw your update - i feel for you completely

You're 30. I don't understand this post at all. If you're really asking if you should postpone your wedding at the request of your mother, maybe you should. Seems like you need to mature and become more self confident. This is your life. It's too short to defer to another person for major life decisions. Deciding that you're ready to get married should be your decision and yours alone. If you can't do that, take some time to really self reflect. Do you want to go to school? Do you want to get married now? What do you want?

I am going to be the devil advocate here. My mom made me promise that I won't get marry or have kids before I finish college. She was on last year of medical school and pregnant with my oldest brother. She really struggled a lot and almost drop out.

Maybe your mom is genuinely concern that your education might be on hold because of marriage and maybe potential babies? Maybe you could talk to her about how you plan to finish school ever after you are married?

My mom actually told me that she doesn't want grandkids and she hopes I never have kids, because she also does not like kids and is pretty adamant about the fact she's sure I'd make a horrible mother.

I can only speculate that she's worried the marriage will lead to kids...as to why she's so intent on NOT being a grandparent, I have no idea.

@Meg can you explain more of what some have been asking about your grandpa? Did he legally leave you money? If so, she has no right to withhold it.

My grandpa left the money in my dad's name (it was his dad) and told him it was for my school. I don't know if it was written into the will or not, but regardless, I don't want to pursue the money if it involves taking legal action.

Side note: My dad is not in the best of health (possibly Alzheimer's), so my mom has been taking control and making his decisions for him for a while now. Before he got sick, he never had much of an opinion on anything, and I think it was because of her. He was also gone a lot when I was a child, I think to avoid her.

To me, it wasn't about the money. It was my mom's reaction. And frankly, if she's really going to be that petty about it, I don't want any of "her money."

School will always be there. It will just be more expensive.

Go forth and live your life.