Mom is breaking my heart... 2nd Wedding "drama" - kinda long :(

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I don't know if I will wear white or not but 100% believe it's up to me if I want to... it's about finding the dress that "speaks to me" ... when my mom was giving me sh*t about potentially wearing white I couldn't help myself and cut her off... I couldn't help myself... I told her:

"I hate to break it to you but I wasn't "pure" the first time I got married either.... "

which I know she knows... seriously, let's get over these antiquated ideas...

Just wait till next time we go shopping and she tries to wander into the Juniors department (yes she does this) and I point out she hasn't been a junior in over 5 decades...

I know this may be hard but stop talking to her about the wedding. Your BFF sounds supportive so I would discuss everything with her. If your mother asks you about wedding stuff just be short and at it’s going fine. You are not being sensitive wedding planning is stressful enough as it is and you don’t need negative energy. I hope you feel better soon.

I really hope you get everything from your marriage and are never sad, lonely, hurt, or feel abandoned.

I believe with my whole heart in honoring vows (worth noting nothing in my wedding was religious and I personally in no way made vows to God, in case that's where you're coming from) but my 1st wedding vows were about partnership, love, happiness and commitment - which I honored but were not honored in return. So I decided I must also honor myself, my dignity, and my right to be happy.

I will never regret or feel bad about not staying in a miserable marriage, that I fought for solo for more than 5 years. And I will never regret finding happiness a second time, or wanting to celebrate that love. And I don't know why you think I am focusing more on this wedding than the first - 1) not true, I was very involved in, excited about, and immersed in planning my first, the failure of the marriage has nothing to do with the execution of the wedding, and 2) it's not a competition.

And I think it's kind of gross you're fine with 2nd marriages to work the system for insurance, but not because two people want to celebrate their love.

And I am very happy for you. I in no way meant for that to be mean or harsh , please realize where I am coming from. This is why your mom is being this way. This would be my sentiments if I were your mother. Your mother loves you, and I hope is happy with your decision. I did want to add that since none of your guests are the same that I do not really see there to be a problem and I do think since you aren’t talking more than 50 people that it is fine. I am very happy you found love, and as I said in my earlier post would be happy to celebrate with you and I’d still give you a gift. Seriously OP, please realize I am really happy you found love. I wish you many years of happiness, with your new spouse and most people are happy to celebrate with you anyway. If I were your friEnd, I totally would.

And you absolutely deserve to be happy and share it with someone, and your guests, your mom is looking at it from an old way of doing things. I wish I’d gone to Vegas and done the whole shebang. You do you

Im sorry to hear you are going through this but the bottom line is this is your life and your wedding! You might have to stop talking to her about it amd when she asks why you are talking to her about wedding stuff then explain to her your hurt and frustrations.
Good luck to you and dont let anyone rain on your parade!

Sorry I commented, I guess it’s a personal decision and I don’t fault anyone for doing anything or whatever. Don’t stay married to someone who beats you, don’t stay with someone who lies or cheats on you.

Do we have the same Mom?

I have a 3 yo daughter with my fiancé and we have been together for awhile. When I told her we got engaged her response was “go to the courthouse now and get it over with”. When I told her I wanted a wedding and to wear the dress her response was “You know what that white dress is supposed to symbolize, right?”. She doesn’t want me to have a wedding at all.

Here’s the thing though. Parents are from a different generation and these days the rules for weddings have changed so much. Wear what you want and have the ceremony you want because it is your day. It took me awhile to really accept that my mom probably won’t be at my wedding, but it is your own happiness being celebrated here. You do you!

Side note, I ended up picking an ivory dress since it actually looks better on me than pure white. Go with your preference and what looks best and try to block out the negativity. And I will also be wearing a veil even though my mom said I’m not allowed to.

View Quoted Comment I'm in the same boat. My mom and sister think it's ridiculous that I'm having a big 2nd wedding (100 guests). However, it's my FH's first wedding. I agree that he should be able to have the wedding he wants. I've stopped talking to my mom about the wedding. And if she and my sister don't want to come, so be it. Have the wedding you want!

It’s my first and my FH’s second. When he first told his dad he wanted to marry me, his dad said “what makes you think it will work this time.?” Then, at dinner one night, after our actual engagement, his dad confronted me about the number of guests (we’re going small, so his extended family isn’t invited) and cost (he thought it was too much for so few guests...even though I’m paying for the whole thing). He turned to his son and said “was the first one that expensive?” That felt special. FH always wanted something small. I thought I wanted a big one until I started actually planning! And then I realized the only reason I wanted the big one was that he had one with his ex (messed up, but feelings happen!) Anyway, long, oversharing way of saying sometimes parents are clueless! Depending on your relationship, I’d either have a heart to heart about how the comments make you feel or just exclude her from the process.

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Thank you - I appreciate your well wishes.

Thank you all - I am happy to report that my mom seems to have had a change of heart! Knowing my mom she could turn back at any time, but I am going to enjoy her support for now! She's even talking about her MOB attire...

I don't know what flipped her switch, but I am not going to look a gift horse in the mouth...

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I can't tell everyone how much everyone's support on this thread has meant to me!

While I am saddened so many people seem to be sharing my experience it's good to know I am not alone and I am so glad we are all here to support each other.

Hi there! I am glad I found this because I am going through the exact same thing with my family! My boyfriend and I have decided to host a small ceremony with only those people that have supported us with a beautiful dinner afterwards! We will still have the flowers, the cake, the first dance....But only people who have loved and supported us from the begining will be there. We got SO sick of our family doing EXACTLY what your Mom is doing so we have decided to go an alternate route!

I’m sorry- but I agree with your mom. While you’re entitled to have the wedding of your dreams, you cannot expect everyone to be as excited about it as you are- especially people who came to your first wedding- (because ideally, it would be the only wedding of yours) You can still do the wedding-y things, but I wouldn’t invest so much in it a second time or expect everyone else to either.

You're not overthinking at all, she's being rude. Times have changed: weddings happen after being divorced and they include guests and bridesmaids. Also, white no longer symbolizes virginity! (not that most brides ever have been lol)
I'm about to do a 3rd wedding. (too young when 1st happened, 2nd became abusive after his bike accident) Guess what... purple for the 1st, ivory for the 2nd and white for this one!
Wear what YOU want, invite who YOU want, have as many in your wedding party as YOU want! If she doesn't like it, she doesn't have to be part of it. (which she'd regret if she chose that road) Try having a firm talk with your mom and let her know that she needs to stop being hurtful otherwise she won't be included.

My mother was very negative about weddings....and this is my FIRST. She would make negative comments (ex. "Why don't yall just elope" or "Wedding's are such a waste of money") no matter what I said. So I just stopped talking to her about it. Now she's acting excited because she want's to "be involved", but I know better....lol

Oh sweetie- this is awful for you!
this is my 2nd wedding too. I married right of of college. I told him i wasn’t ready and he told me i was ridiculous and i believed him bc i was young. The wedding was nothing of what i wanted.
You deserve the wedding of your dreams. Period. I’d encourage you to let people know that as they make terrible comments. Stand up for you. You deserve that!

My guess would be that she didn't have the courage to have the wedding she wanted her second time around because she was worried about what people might think. Maybe that makes it harder for her to feel excited for you but that doesn't mean you're in the wrong. Do what makes you happy and don't share with her. If she asks why, let her know how her words made you feel.

Definitely not nuts! This is my 2nd wedding, FH’s 1st. We are having a real wedding with a real bridal party and real guests...Why wouldn’t the beginning of this marriage deserve as much, if not more, attention as the 1st?