Mom is breaking my heart... 2nd Wedding "drama" - kinda long :(

This is my 2nd wedding . . But my Fiances first .. I hated my first wedding my mom planned it.. the entire thing .. first dress I tried in fit perfect and I bought it terrible .. I wish I had pictures but my mom has them all it was just bad all around ..

I have to agree that these comments seem to stem from her own disappointment at how she felt she had to do her second wedding- which has no bearing on how you have to do yours.

If you haven't already, you might try saying something like "Mom, it really hurts me and disappoints me when you make comments like that and try to dismiss the importance of this wedding. Please stop." Maybe she doesn't realize how upset you get (versus the intellectual "people don't do that anymore" conversation). Other than that, don't involve her in any of the planning and get excited with your FH and your BFF instead.

Hugs!

This will be my second wedding, and I will be wearing a white wedding dress, having a MOH, going on a bachelorette party, having a reception of 100 people.. Your mom is being a jerk. I'm sorry you have to endure that!

Your mom should not be making you feel bad about your wedding. But I do think she has a point, she maybe echoing some other family members sentiments. If I were invited to a big to do that was a second wedding, I too would be like, and you're having the big white wedding again? Weird, but you do your thing and yes I'd still bring a gift. Then I would move on, and celebrate with the couple. You can do what you want, but she may be worried about what the family might say, because in her family second weddings are not "big to dos" like you plan on having, especially if you've gotten married and had one already. You do you, so ultimately do what you want and you will never please everybody with anything you do wedding related so enjoy this time anyway, with people who support you and want to do these things with you. Your mom will be there regardless of what you choose to do, and so will your family and friends who want to support you.

I am about to embark on my second marriage as well. This is FH first marriage though, and I don’t want to deny his family the experience. My family has been very supportive of me though. I never got the wedding I wanted the first time around. Sorry you’re in this situation. If I were you, I wouldn’t talk to your mom about anything wedding. It may be your second time around, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and enjoy the experience.

2nd marriage here for both me and FH, and we're having a "real" wedding! My mom is acting kinda the same as yours, Idk why they get like that. My dad and FH parents are excited though, so I just tell them more about it, and limit what I say to my mom. I'm sure she'll come around by the wedding. Wear whatever and do whatever you want. My FH and I decided we were going to make sure this wedding was better than both our first ones, cuz we're both happier now, so that should be celebrated!

This is my second time and FH first.

In the beginning of planning I gave a very broad arc of my first wedding to explain the ease of certain decisions (like a fully inclusive venue versus piece-mealing all the parts together). This wedding has been far more fun to plan because WE'RE making the decisions TOGETHER. I've already done the "obligitory" wedding and I don't feel the need to do it again but I also want to make sure he doesn't miss out either.

Whenever it gets brought up that it's "my" day, I correct the person and tell them I've done this before and this is his pretty prince day with a smile.

My mother has been extremely hands off and quiet anytime that I've talked wedding details with her this time.

Bottom line, do what you and FH decide on that makes the two of you happy. In the end, that's who this marriage is about.

View Quoted Comment

I will add that with the exception of my mom and sister the guest list is 100% different from the first go-around...

I didn't want a huge, invite everyone - even my 3rd cousin who I barely recognize, the first time either. XH and I had a destination wedding that we were perfectly happy with, but BOTH moms made a big to-do about us NEEDING to have a reception for the families...

This time, our wedding is going to be small and intimate - we probably won't even have 50 people. We want to be able to spend time with everyone in attendance, know, and recognize everyone, and aren't inviting anyone out of obligation.

Just adding this because I want to be clear there aren't 100 family members who are being put in the position to buy a "2nd wedding gift." She shouldn't be concerned about "family backlash" because no extended family is really being invited.

It sounds like you two are doing things your way, and that's all that matters. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is giving you such grief over it, though. That must be tough. I agree with PP to just stop talking to her about it.

My FMIL has been saying some backhanded remarks to me too, and it's tough. It's both FH and my first marriage, but we're older. She's said things to me like "You're wearing the fancy dress and all? Really?" "You're actually having bridesmaids? Why?" "I can't believe you're having such a fancy wedding."

It can be hurtful; I somewhat understand what you're saying. I don't talk to her about the wedding unless she asks, and she still says stuff like this to me all the time. (And then goes ahead and invites 30 people anyway.)

View Quoted Comment

Lol NINTH wedding?? Maaaaybe it's time someone tells that friend that maybe marriage is not for her.

View Quoted Comment Wouldn’t anyone ? 😂😂.

View Quoted Comment Omg staaahhhhppppppppp

You're not crazy, you can have any type of wedding you want! Mom's are a pain sometimes, I know mine is.... Do what will make you happy, not what will make others happy. 💞💞

A wedding is a celebration! Throw the grandest affair you want.

My my mother started off the same way and I finally sent her a text telling her how much she hurt my feelings. I said that we are having a wedding we can afford because we want to celebrate our happiness with our friends and loved ones. If she couldn’t support that, she didn’t have to participate. She’s been great since then

I was recently a bridesmaid in a second wedding. Both my friend and her husband were divorced and this was their second wedding. I was a BM in my friend's first as well. She had over 100 people, DJ, bouquet toss, garter toss, first dance, pretty much everything her first wedding had. The only real difference between the two was 1 st had a plated meal and was at a hotel banquet room, second was a buffet and in a Polish American club (it was really nice on a lake with a gazebo outside). If you can afford it, you ever right to do what you want with your money and celebrate your day like you want to. Especially since your FH hasn't been married before. Just ignore your moms comments. Just because you didn't get it right the first time, doesn't mean you don't deserve to celebrate your union with your FH the way you both want to. Happy thoughts and just focus on enjoying your day.

This was my second wedding. My MIL acted like that, we ignored her. My mother was over the top saying celebrate that I found love again after my ex walked out on me. I did wear ivory but it was fall. Do what you want and she’ll either get on board or not.

She's just looking at it from a older, relatively antiquated perspective. My grandmother had a divorce and second marriage in the 1960s, and she and her new husband did the courthouse thing, wore a yellow dress and all that. Back in the day, that was expected, possibly due to a sort of stigma that surrounded remarriage. Today, we're lucky to live in a society that doesn't frown on people finding their happiness. There aren't many real rules around second marriages, but I think the big thing is to make it exactly what *you* want.

I'm on my second marriage, and FH is on his first. With his big family, it felt right to throw a big wedding. My first wedding was very untraditional, while this one is very big on tradition. For me, simply having differentiation is the big deal. My mom and grandma sometimes make offhand comments, but I do my best to keep them in line.

My grandma in particular (the remarried one!) was being very opinionated about certain things, but then I asked her if she'd like to plan a specific part of the festivities (day-after brunch) and she's enjoying being a part of everything, while I like that she has "her own lane" where she has total control.

What Angela said. It used to be much less acceptable for people having second weddings to celebrate in the same way. Luckily we don't look on these things the same way anymore. I wouldn't just avoid talking to her about the wedding though. I would be honest and let her know if this kind of talk is hurtful to you. She might not realize that - I know my mom sometimes thinks she is just giving me good advice, but doesn't realize I don't see it that way.

View Quoted Comment

I was thinking the same thing - Mom wanted a bigger affair the second time and is now passive aggressive about it. Too bad - but please stop discussing stuff with her. She will NOT change, you can only change how to react to her. So limit the information she receives. Best wishes!

Edited to add: I wore white at my second wedding - so take that, Mom!! LOL! No one said a word - plus I am 52 years old and have two kids. No one really thinks I am virginal anymore!!!

View Quoted Comment

OMG 10 and 11... this woman gets married more than I get my hair done... who can afford 11 divorces???