Mom is breaking my heart... 2nd Wedding "drama" - kinda long :(

No you are not nuts to be wanting the wedding you want despite whether it's your second, third, or fifth marriage. I'm sorry your mom isn't being supportive, that's really tough Maybe don't talk wedding with her? Other than that, I'm not sure what else to do but I wanted to stop by and give you some support to have the wedding you want whether that's a full blown wedding with all the bells and whistles or a courthouse wedding.

Stop talking to her about it. If she asks say politely mom I choose not to discuss it with you because everytime I do you say hurtful things. So please let's not discuss the details.

Sometimes you just have to love from a distance

You’re definitely not wrong. I feel bad for you. You absolutely deserve to be happy and plan whatever type of wedding you want. Can you tell your mom that despite her opinion youre planning what you and FH want and to make it easier you’re not going to discuss plans with her. I would avoid any wedding talk with her if she’s unwilling to be supportive

I don't think you're in the wrong at all, and I also agree with you about your husband deserving the whole wedding experience as well. If I were in your shoes, I would avoid discussing things with her unless she asks, and I would also mention that I don't appreciate her negative comments toward the wedding. Good luck!!

Stop discussing anything with her. She will get to know all of the details when she gets her invitation.

Just because she has a skewed view of second marriages - which is odd because you mentioned she has been married twice too - doesn't mean you and your FH don't get to have the wedding that you want.

Is she paying for anything? If not, ignore her. If she is, I would refuse her money (even refund her if she's already paid for something) and pay for it myself.

No, you're not nuts or wrong for wanting the wanting you describe. I would guess times have changed since she got remarried. If I were in your shoes, I would not discuss wedding related things with her since she is not providing any positive vibes for you. There are plenty of second time brides on here who are having the wedding they want. The courthouse isn't the only option.

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No, we wouldn't dream of asking for or accepting $$$ from (either) parent. But you're right... that's another angle to look at it from, if we are paying for it all, we can do anything we want. A bit different from my first go-around.

Thank you!

Tell her to shove it and stop sharing details with her. IT almost sounds like shes jealous she didnt get to do all this the second time around. Try not to let it bother you. I know that's hard.

Thanks everyone! I really just needed to hear that I wasn't breaking some major "rules" about second weddings... I didn't think I was... but she was making me second guess everything.

I think you're all right - just don't talk about it - which is sad, but I better than having my heart broken over and over, groundhog day style.

does anyone know - are there any true 2nd wedding faux pas ? maybe that's a whole other discussion!

This is so awful. just because she wore a suit and went down to the courthouse alone with her second husband doesn't mean you have to, nor does it make you less entitled to have a "real wedding." if you want to have a formal, traditional wedding experience with your FH, complete with the whole nine yards, it is entirely up to you what you wear, who you have with you, how you have a reception and if you invite people.

if someone said this to me, no matter who they were, they would no longer be involved in the wedding and its planning and details, period. i understand this is your mom but you really should tell her how she's hurting you, and i would definitely not be talking wedding with her anymore, unless she understands how she's hurting you and stops. planning a wedding is stressful enough without someone breathing down your back telling you everything you want is unnecessary and that you shouldn't simply because this isn't your first time. saying these things is extremely backhanded... you are not crazy to want to have the true wedding experience complete with guests and cake and a white dress with this man no matter what number marriage it is.

this hurts. i hope you can get some BM's and friends who are supportive of what the two of you want for yourselves on your special day because regardless of if its your first marriage or not, its still a special ceremony and you deserve to have it the way you want it.

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This is a very good point... many of her comments circled back to " it's not how our family had done things" which really means her family... we are pretty far removed from "the family" at this point, (mostly due to her 2nd marriage come to think of it!) This could all be deep seeded resentment that she didn't have the 2nd wedding (or marriage) she wanted

OP I just went through my 2nd wedding. The first one i didnt wear a dress or get to do everything your looking forward to with a wedding. When I met H now and we got engaged there were some people that werent happy. My mom had her doubts at first but after being engaged for 2 years she changed. We talked a little about the wedding and then she offered to go dress shopping with me. But not all moms are the same. Like other people said to stop talking about the wedding with her so much. I hope everything gets better.

Stop talking to her about the wedding. You know she is just going to upset you, so stop.

Have whatever wedding you want! I'd stop sharing details with her.

I don't even want to talk about the wedding with her

That's your answer. A wedding is a wedding - it doesn't matter if it's the first. You'll find there's plenty of 2nd time wedding brides/grooms on this site!

This is my second marriage and FH's first. I had asked for a very small wedding, and it wasn't what FH wanted, and since it is his first he should be able to have the big wedding that he wants. That wouldn't be fair to him to tell him he can't have that because I already did it once.

I'm also doing my second rodeo, FH's first and I have gotten some of these comments from my DAD (he's on his 3rd). I told him to be supportive, or he won't get to do anything but be a guest at my "dog and pony show" (as he called it). Now he has zipped his trap, has tried on tuxes and is all smiles when it comes to hearing information.

This is a day to celebrate the love of you and your FH and you get to do it HOWEVER you 2 want. White dress, blusher, magicians, courthouse, ponies, it doesn't matter. Wear and do whatever the 2 of you want to do that makes YOU happy. Good-luck!!

Currently, I'm planning my first and my FH's second wedding. Fortunately his parents haven't passed any judgement about us having a traditional wedding and been supportive, but my parents haven't . I am no longer talking any wedding details with my family because of it and other reasons. The last thing that my family and I talked about was the difference in the invite list and my mom threw it in my face that my FMIL list was smaller because this is his second wedding. I think she felt since it was my first they could invite whoever they wanted. (I had sold my townhouse and are using the proceeds to pay for the wedding) so I would think things should be more equal...

We had a few people when we first got engaged that made comments that they were surprised we were having a traditional wedding vs a destination wedding that hurt me. It's taken a lot of work and some tough conversations, but I'm finally starting to not let the first and second marriage thing not bother me as much. My fiance knows not to bring up the past anymore.. at first he would bring up vendors he wanted to use (again) or songs he didn't want played and or things like he wanted cookies instead of a wedding cake again... a memorable discussion he made was the top layer of the cake isn't good a year later he knew from experience.

When things like that got said to me although he had good intentions, it just broke my heart...

Please keep that in mind when planning with your fiance.

No, not nuts at all, she's the ridiculous one. Your wedding can look like whatever you want it to look like, doesn't matter that it's the 2nd time around. A big, white dress, wedding party, flowers, the whole nine, if that's what you want. Just go for it, and stop talking about your wedding with her.

Also most brides, myself included, wear ivory these days, because stark white rarely looks good on anyone. Bridal ivory looks white until it's held up next to a true white. So really, you could wear ivory that looks white, and then tell your mom "it's not white" to shut her up.

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Thanks for sharing your experience and perspective as the party on your first... I will admit I have caught myself making a comment / comparison to my first... As soon as I realized it I caught myself have actively avoided making additional comments or comparisons...

I don't want this wedding to be anything like the first - I want it to be uniquely for me and FH