moh Responsibilities -informative read

View Quoted Comment I definitely see your point of view and you're right. However I definitely see your point of view and you're right. However I guess I also see the perspective of before I take on the role of maid of honor or bridesmaid I would want to be a little bit more involved in my friend's wedding. As I am sure you have seen on this website there are some maid of Honor's or bridesmaids that go completely Mia. I feel like your bride tribe is also your tribe and their support you. No they're not there to spend all their money on you or even help you plan a wedding I agree to that but I also don't think it bad for them to come together usually in a western tradition and say hey let's take her out for her bachelorette. That doesn't mean they need to break the bank as I would never expect that from any of my girls. Yes the reason I chose my maid of honor is because she's my best friend and there's no one that I could imagine by my side and helping me get ready. If she weren't thinking to throw me a bachelorette party would I kick her out nope but I would probably ask if she'd be willing to help me plan one. Like one poster said she kind of made it a little bit clearer with a bridal party that she would like to help them events but she didn't expect them to break the bank. I guess I feel like when you take on the role of being in someone's bridal party you're more of a support system and not just there clearly to show up in a nice dress standing by your side.

View Quoted Comment And I will agree with you that etiquette is down to how you treat people but I'm noticing etiquette rules being thrown out that is not necessarily a person treating someone else bad. Because your bride tribe Quest 3D the best and you can still treat them like crap that's bad at a kid. But I don't think as a bride it's necessarily A Bad Thing to maybe ask your bridal party if they're willing to help organizing the fan or something like that nicely. I don't see how bad treating them rudely are aching like that. In fact I see misuse of etiquette on this forum all the time. At the end of the day I think you made some very logical point and I do value the fact that you use some reputable sides and not just solely your thoughts and opinion but I do ultimately feel like when it comes down to expectations of a bridal party or even just expectations of getting married in general will kind of be down to the person and what they think a little bit. There are some rules of etiquette I can definitely get on board with like you not throwing your own bridal shower as it look like you just want gifts but there are some bad I still Park they disagree with but that's also just my thoughts and also the people around me and how they are. But it is okay that you and I disagree on this topic. I do want to thank you for respectfully disagree with me as that doesn't always happen on this site haha.

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This has been a helpful site although she basically is in agreement with what I originally posted that they are expected to do a bit more than show up. I do agree to show good etiquette it is nice to give gifts to the bridal party. I know I will for my MOH and I may even pay for her make up for all she will do.

https://emilypost.com/advice/inside-weddings-the-wedding-party/

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Obviously you can hope that your BP will host pre-wedding parties for you, and if you've done it for others, you probably expect it to be reciprocated, but the difference comes when you direct your bridal party to do these things vs. them offering/you telling them what you're doing and see if anyone is interested. I was lucky enough to have a MoH who planned a shower and bachelorette party for me, but is she was in financial hardship/busy with other life things, I would completely understand if she couldn't. Other people can do those things for you as well (my sisters actually threw me a shower as well for out of town family). I think the MoH spearheading the pre-wedding parties are pretty common, but there was some pretty ridiculous requests on the list you posted. I do think it's the couple's responsibility to plan the wedding. I never asked my MOH to tour venues with me or stuff invitations, she has her own life. I had my MOH come with me to look at wedding dresses, but I never would have asked her to come to every fitting. I would never expect my family to call my friend with wedding questions. None of them have her number. It would take me as long to answer their question as it would be for me to send them her phone number, so why bother your friend with that? I actually don't think the MOH should be in charge of vendor coordination and keeping people on time. Don't you want them to be able to enjoy getting ready with you as well? I had a DOC help with vendor coordination, and she did time checks. You can ask your MOH if they wouldn't mind making a toast (mine did), but I don't think that's something that should be demanded (a lot of people have a huge fear of public speaking. I had never heard of the having to dance with the best man. To me that is super ridiculous. Are you only supposed to pick a friend who likes to dance to be your MoH? I think you should pick whoever you are closest to for your MoH. That person may not be a good party planner, financially stable, or in a place in their life where they can dedicate that much time to you. I had some members of my BP that couldn't make things like the engagement party, BM dress shopping, or my shower, and that was completely okay. For me I think the distinction is fun stuff/things you'd do normally vs. work. Fun stuff: being at parties, shopping for pretty dresses. Not fun: stuffing invitations, talking to my uncle about a room block. I don't want to feel like my friends work for me, and a lot of that list seems like it should be done by a person you pay.

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No no no. I do not agree with everything but I constantly see here that all they are supposed to do is show up on the day. I would never expect them to help plan or break the bank nor should that be the reason to choose them. I did not choose my MOH based on she will do stuff for me lol. However, I feel any time I have been a bridesmaid I have autmatically assumed I am there for the pre wedding events, a support system as well as help plan the bridal party and bachelorette or at least show. I think even though we do not choose our party for that reason I do not feel it is a bit illogical to hope you can turn to them for support if you are suggested or be there for your events unless in the case that they cannot for major reasons. I also post this because some people do not have that support system. My mom is deceased and had she been alive at this time I know she would throw a bridal shower but my MOH who is Chilean I do not think they do that in her culture and she did not want one so she may not think to throw one. Would I think she is the worse of course not. I never agree that a bride should be a bridezilla and do everything or break the bank for their friend. Any events my friend plans to throw I would of course financially help. But I posted this because having the mindset that they are only there to stand by your side the day of to me personally is not full accurate. I think in life we depend on our friends through the good and bad and if we cannot then we get frustrated right? I do feel some brides expect way too much from their party too so I do not agree with everything that list says either.

I think MOST of this is 100% based on your (the bride/groom) personality, your MOH personality, and everyone else's personality that will be involved.

I have a MOH and 4 other BM.

My MOH and I talk often about what kind of parties I want, when I want them, etc. She asks me if I want a bridal shower, I say "yes, let me know when you need paid for and my mom/grandma will pay". I am able to say that because my mom and grandma have said to me "plan all your parties the way you want and we will foot the bill so your girls don't have to. that will be our involvement."

Not everyone has a relationship with their parents (or whoever) to ask for money or have conversations like that.

No one in my family (or friend group involved in the wedding) would ever think it's rude that I asked "are you guys paying for my bridal shower or should I?"

My MOH has been my best friend for YEARS. She knows exactly how I am. She has every right to say "all I'm doing is standing next to you on your wedding day, I don't have time to do all this extra stuff" and I'd 100% understand. BUT she didn't. She said "anything you need me to do, I'll do." She went and met with my linen rental company to match the BM dresses to the tablecloths (which I then decided I hated. whoops.)

A few of my other bridesmaids, I would NEVER ask them to do all kinds of other stuff. I just don't know them well enough (FH stepsister for example) and I don't have the kind of relationship with them where I can call them and say "I know I'm being really crazy but I need you to go to walmart and send me pictures of pajamas!" (which is obvs ridiculous but hopefully you get the point I'm making haha.)

If you don't have these kinds of relationships with you MOH where you discuss money, different life things, secrets, whatever.....then no, you probably shouldn't be asking them to go above and beyond for you.

But I'd help my bff move furniture in the middle of the night in the pouring rain if I had to. And she'd do the same for me. So I think it's fine that I ask her to call around to different bridal shower venues and find me one.....

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Funny what you say about depending on some lol. One of my friends God bless would not be one to depend on to plan as she is very inconsistent. I agree everyone's situation is different and not everyone has friends for a bridal party or parents to throw these events. I mean for some MOH's it is not even a money thing but just being present and supportive I feel. Not saying to plan the wedding but just be a shoulder to lean on when things get frustrating. I feel some frustrations with BM's are a bit justified because mostly you do choose people you love because you feel you can depend on them.

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I agree. And it's very much know your crowd. I would say MOST people aren't the type to suddenly become crazy bridezillas when they are usually very reserved and quiet type girls. All my girls/friends/family/everyone who has ever met me, knows I am kind of loud and usually outspoken.

Even if most of these girls weren't my bridesmaids, they are my FRIENDS and I would still be calling them every day like "yall I am so stressed what should I do?!" I mean....I ask them for help in every other area of my life, you know? I am cleaning out my attic right now, one of the groomsmen is coming over to help. Not because he is a groomsman, but because he is our friend.

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God bless you on cleaning an attic. I will continue to avoid mine but I think it is ok lol. I think mostly I just want my girls there with me to celebrate the good times regardless of money spent and all that. I love that my bf will be there the day of to help me get ready and I want to treat her well like food and champagne. Hell I am willing to pay my own bachelorette but I just want my friends there celebrate my upcoming day with me and have a good time.

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I can't stress this enough--it's the expectations that need to change, not the bridal parties. Many, many bridesmaids, MOHs, best men, groomsmen, etc. want to help the bride and groom plan. Many have the bandwidth to do so. I, also, wouldn't accept a bridesmaid proposal if I weren't a good friend of the bride, wanted to help her, felt like I had the means to, etc. I always volunteer to help plan showers, bach parties, go to dress appointments, and beyond.

The difference is that all my bride friends don't ask and don't expect any special treatment because they chose to get married. Making things "rules" or "things you need to have on your to-do list as a MOH," like these kinds of articles do, give people (mainly, women) the false impression that they're backed into a corner to do all of this. As brides, we should be giving off the opposite vibe to our best friends. Additionally, you often catch more flies with honey. I am 100% more willing to help, plan, shop, organize, etc. for my bride friends that don't make it clear they expect any of that. That's the bottom line of what most people are trying to get at. Modern wedding etiquette's tagline is just "don't be a d*ck to your nearest and dearest." That's really not an opinion thing.

View Quoted Comment I guess I see your point of view but I think the reason that these lists exist even if they are up to opinion is that some ladies simply don't know. For me I always felt that you taking a role as a bridesmaid or maid of honor is much more than you just showing up on the day of looking pretty. To me those ladies are your support system that's why you usually choose people that you're friendly with. Like I said prior I don't think that a maid of honor is responsible for all of these things and honestly every bridal party will be different. There were times that I helped organize and plan things with other bridal party members and then there's sometimes the maid of honor and the mother of the bride did everything. At the end of the day I feel that some rules of etiquette are logical and some are just up to the person but I think for me I see my bridal party as more than just lay that get their hair done and look pretty on the day of my wedding is stand by my side. Yes that is the main thing and that is huge but I would like to know that we can enjoy my upcoming day before the day as well if that makes sense.