Meeting a potential officiant

E-mail me for a list of 15 Questions to Ask Your Potential Officiant.

Aren't you being a bit nosy asking if they perform same-sex marriages? Is it seriously any of your business, since you are actually infringing on their right to practice their own religious beliefs--regardless of what you think from a political viewpoint?

I'm sorry, but that one is a bit of a political agenda overreach.

Nope Mya, it isn't. They are not infringing on their rights. Infringing on their rights would be FORCING them to perform a same sex marriage. Them choosing to go with someone who supports equality is their choice. SMH.

I think it's totally legit to want an officiant whose views on marriage click with your own. Doesn't matter if they're religious or political views. If couples can refuse to hire an officiant who will marry same-sex couples, they can refuse to hire an officiant who won't.

Also @Mya I like how you reduce someone's refusal to recognize same-sex couples' marriages to "religious beliefs". Hahaha no, my religion is very affirming of my marriage, thanks, that's just them being a scumbag.

I also love how my marriage was reduced to a "political viewpoint"

Also apparently a political viewpoint and a bit irked by it.

No Mya, it's not.

I wouldn't hire someone who didn't preform same sex marriages and I have a right to know who a person is willing to work with and who isn't. We have a lot of gay friends...I would never ask someone to be a part of my day knowing they didn't approve of our family and friends in attendance.

If they have a right to say they won't marry someone for whatever reason, I have a right to know so I can make an informed decision about whether or not I want them to marry FH and I.

It was actually important to me that my officiant performed same sex marriages too, but I knew that from her website. Honestly, I didn't go with questions. She sent me so much info, so I knew we were going to hire her before we even met. Well, if we had good chemistry and we did! I think the first meeting was more about her finding out about us so that she could personalize our ceremony based off of what she knew about us from our conversation. We talked about the ceremony, but also our lives and now I feel like she knows us.

That was a dumb ass comment.

It's totally legit to want someone who performs same sex marriages. They want someone who they can relate to and if they support it, and they want an officiant who supports it, that's completely their call. Do you know what infringing on someone's rights even is? Because your comment shows otherwise.

ETA: We didn't "interview" our officiant, but we did meet for coffee and talk. Actually it was mostly him asking us questions about what we wanted.

So back to the actual topic...

1. Style

2. Phrasing they like to use.

3. Level of knowledge of traditions you plan on using.

4. Length of their average ceremony.

And may I just say, as a married gay man, thank you for caring

@Sue- to answer your question.. we asked the same "are you ok with secular weddings, do you perform same sex marriages" but we also asked what the most important part of the ceremony is for him, what he could recommend for us since we don't want traditional vows, and we want something that represents us but we aren't able to write our own vows.

We learned about him as a person, how long he has been an officiant, how many weddings he does, if he can run the rehearsal, what made him want to be an officiant, etc.

We also wanted to get a feel of him and how we clicked. FH really liked that even though he has religious beliefs, he is more focused on the marriage and the love behind it..not the religious aspect to it. He was super respectful of us and our wishes and he is a total nerd so naturally I loved him.

ETA: We also met for coffee, it wasn't a formal interview... and he had a ton of questions for us.

We met with one officiant(husband and wife team) and knew right away that was who we wanted. We didn't really have to ask any questions as they kind of just went into explaining everything to us about who they are and what they do. They provided us with a bunch of ceremony examples and told us we could mix and match anything we wanted and could take out anything we wanted(except the few mandatory lines). The wife will be performing our ceremony, it will also be her wedding anniversary which is a nice coincidence.

Pezzy, I'm sorry, but you have NO RIGHT to ask someone what their personal religious beliefs are. You are hiring a service-from someone providing a service--and putting a political agenda to it is crass and overstepping boundaries. If you're going to go that far, you might as well ask them their position on abortion and end-of-life decisions.

It's tacky. Unnecessary, and cannot believe this is even an issue.

Mya....it's tacky to ask a professional vendor what professional services they are willing to provide? Since when?

Mya.. you realize you're the only one that thinks somehow it's wrong to want your officiant (or whatever) to hold the same beliefs as you? She wasn't going to be rude to someone who did not believe the same, but she wasn't going to hire them either. I actually can't believe how ignorant you sound.

So someone who is against gay marriage can refuse to preform it, but someone who is for gay marriage can't refuse to hire someone who is against it? That's fucking stupid.

Well said, Lucy. Mya, it's not only understandable but quite valid and important for your officiant to hold beliefs you share.

Mya- They are asking if they perform this specific service, not asking them what their values are on the topic...they don't need to have a debate or a fight about it, "are you comfortable performing same sex marriage?.."yes/no"..."ok"...done.

Most officiants will put that on their website...and out of curiosity how would you expect a same sex couple to find an officiant to marry them without asking if they marry same sex couples???

This isn't like asking a co-worker their stance, or even an owner of a restaurant...it's an officiant and I'm sorry but I don't want a close minded, prejudice, bigot marrying me....So I AM going to ask if they are comfortable...I WON'T ask why they aren't if they aren't.

ETA: BTW you're coming off super ignorant...and insanely offensive.

@Mya They aren't asking what their personal beliefs are, they are asking whether they perform a service. You have every right to feel comfortable with whoever you are hiring, whether you want them to be for or against issues. For example, I would not feel comfortable with a doctor who was pro-abortion and I have every right to choose which doctor I visit. (Like @Lucy said.) This is especially true in this case since they are asking about a service the officiant provides. The couple needs to get their needs/views met, as does the officiant. Both sides want a good match.

I've had many couples choose me because I am very adamant about same sex unions, (and I've had two that rejected me because of that....) As a civil officiant, my religious beliefs has nothing to do with my couples; I"m there to be the catalyst that makes them married. That being said, one of the reasons I got into this biz was to provide meaningful ceremonies for communities that couldn't find them through traditional channels.....mixed religions, no religions, the multi sexually attracted community and the throughly disgusted with tradition.

Now, that being said, I have a file that I'm happy to send out too, but here's the gist of it;

1. Are they fun? Are they enthusiastic? Energetic? Are they as excited about your wedding as you are?

2. Do they speak well, think well, present good ideas for your ceremony and all the inherent sticky parts you'll be dealing with (divorce/deceased parents, religious differences, cultural clashes). Do they have creative ideas or are they firmly stuck in, "Dearly Beloved, we are here to blah blah blah"?

3. Do they have creative ideas to bring to life your wishes?

4. Do they have a healthy respect for deadlines, details, contracts?

5. Will they actually create their ceremony or just perform something you cut and paste from other ceremony samples/online?

6. Will the incorporate your favorite music/family/friends/readings/dogs?

7. Will they guide you in putting together the processional order?

8. Will they play nice with your other vendors

9. What do they wear on the day? (Trust me....ask.....)

10. Do they need sound or provide their own (not a deal breaker, but it needs to be in place

11. Are they legal? Do they know how to file a license in your state?

12. What are their policies for contracts, payments, refunds, getting your script draft, lateness on their part or yours?

But all things being equal, you should come away feeling that your ceremony is going to be fun, personal, appropriate, well delivered and legal.

Whoops apparently I went to the gym at the wrong time! I didn't mean to cause such an uproar.

In my case I didn't have to ask if the officiant officates same-sex weddings since in my city all officiants have to be registered under the one company and the website states whether or not they perform same-sex ceremonies and it was important to us that they did and since it was easy for us to weed out the ones who don't we just didn't choose not includes them on our potential officiant list. But I do agree, I have the right to ask a vendor what services they provide.