Marrying the family ??

I think you can’t expect him to detach himself from his family completely because it seems like he still cares for them. But he definitely should have loyalty and prioritize yourself and your kids above everyone else. I don’t think you should let one dance take away from the entire experience of your wedding you’re being the bigger person by also letting him have a say of what he wants because it’s his day too. But moving forward I think he needs to reassure you that if his family can’t show you the respect you deserve then he needs to always be on your team no matter what. If you get that validation constantly through his words and actions then the I think you’d feel more secure overall and not care about one dance because you’ll know that his on your side infinitely.

I think you do to an extent and it is something you and your future spouse are going to have to learn how to navigate. We lived with his parents for a while so I learned very quickly. My parents live in a different state so there isn't much in person interaction. But you (and family members) have to remember that you and your spouse are married, and there are some lines that need to be drawn and understood; they can't be involved in everything. Unless you want to live in an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond!

I truly hate this phrase/thinking. Mostly because I come from a massively dysfunctional family with all sorts of abusive patterns and history of blacklisting family members for perceived slights, so "marrying the family" implies that you *must* interact with toxic family.

And I don't believe that.

I think you absolutely need to take into account people's family history. I think you need to learn to navigate patterns, communication styles, and cultures.

I do NOT think you have to agree to replicate those things. Particularly if they are not healthy for you and your partner.

FIL used that phrase when DH and I got engaged, and I absolutely broke down. I then laid out exactly why - I would never ask DH to marry my family, because my family has a history of hurting each other. FIL now understands me a whole lot more - and I also now understand why he expected that kind of relationship. DH's family isn't perfect - no one's is - but they are functional in ways mine is not, so I am learning to trust and open up to them. (We are having a big zoom Easter dinner, which will be fun!)

So... no. I don't think this is a good phrase. One size does not fit all.

You marry a person. That makes you two family. You then navigate relationships with family in the way that is best for you two.