I’ve literally been having Nightmares about our vows. I dream that I’ve forgotten to write mine, or that my fiancé’s are significantly more surface level than mine. How do you make them somewhat even? I don’t want to ramble on and say really intimate things while he just says generic phrases.
I’ve always been a writer and communication comes easy to me. We know communication is something we are always needing to work on. I’m scared my fear has a deeper root. How would I even bring up this fear without coming off as a demeaning bully? Advice please?!? (We are doing private vows for our first look and traditional vows for ceremony).
I read on some other posts on here where some people suggested you have a close mutual friend look both of your vows over to make sure that they work well with one another and one isn't a few sentences and the other is a novel. You can see what your FH thinks about that idea, I bet it would quell some of his anxiety too!
Hoping to piggy back on some advice as well! My fiancé is not only a great communicator but writes poetry as well! I tend to ramble and I’m so worried that when the time comes his will be so much better than mine! For me a large part of this fear is definitely rooted in my own personal insecurities which I am trying to work through! If it is something deeper I would send some time with that, but always a quick checking up and casually asking how they are going might prompt the conversation without being demanding? Best wishes
We haven't written our vows, but we have picked them from our officiant's list. The vows chosen are similar in length, but mine is a bit longer and more wordy. Also, to not have to memorize our vows, we're printing them on 3x4 double sided paper and laminating them. They will be a bit larger than our hands, but it will be easier to read and not have to memorize and fear we'll forget.
I second the suggestion of having a neutral 3rd party look at both of them. However, if you are only sharing them in private, I'm not sure if it really matters if they are balanced. Also, to add, my husband is not a good writer (he has many strengths, but writing is not 1 of them). I am, and I spent several months perfecting my vows. He wrote his the day of. But, they were the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. I was crying. Even though writing isn't a strong skill your fiance possesses, he loves you and is writing about that love for you and the promises he has for your marriage. There is a lot of inspiration that comes from that.
My a writer too and had this same worry. I sent my vows to our officiant, who gave my husband advice on writing his. I included jokes along with more sappy stuff and they spoke to my personality. His were really sweet and reflected his personality, so it worked beautifully. My husband actually didn’t let anyone see his vows before the ceremony. Don’t over think it. If you’re super worried have your officiant look them both over but it’s probably not necessary.
Also, my husband wrote his vows Thursday before our Saturday wedding 🙄. Nothing like waiting until the last minute!
We are having my MOH look over our vows to make sure they sorta match. He’s been working on them on slow nights at work so I know he’s at least putting in effort. I like the suggestion that someone said of having your officiant look over them as well. We are going to send them to our officiant for approval after we know they sort of match in length and style.
View Quoted Comment
Was going to say the same thing, Amy: do not put this pressure on you or your FH to have private vows of the same length and sentiment. Let him speak from his heart and you do the same. Write to him because you love him, not because you want him to mirror your take on it. Traditional vows are already even. If you’re taking traditional and putting your own spin on it, your officiant should help you guys stay aligned without revealing what you’re writing to one another.
You should definitely talk to each other about how you're writing your vows!!
We have several friends who've written their own vows - and they've all made sure to agree on the format, length, and tone first! You want to know if they're leaning more funny or sincere, short or really long, and if it's more of a speech or series of promises. It doesn't mean you have to exactly match or compare your vows a lot, just get on the same general page!
We kind of talked throughout the whole process of writing our vows, partly because we both default to making jokes and had to keep each other in check. We order vow booklets and I finished mine first so I showed him how much of the pages they took up. We also talked openly about what we wanted from the vows and how we didn't want them to just be promises x. y, and z. I think just communicate through the process and if you're writing them in matching booklets just tell page(s) you're taking up. Good luck!
I would have whoever is ordaining your wedding help you guys with your vows. They’ll be able to guide you into making them mesh better. I always have nightmares too but mine is that I forgot to write my vows so after my husband is done reading his off his paper I snatch the paper and read his as if it’s my own. The guests always seems to think it’s funny in my dreams, but I wake up panicked LOL
Thats too funny that you have dreams, too! The thing about our officiant is that he is ordained, but he is by no means a professional. We chose him because he is close to me, but also knows my fiance and our relationship. We decided that we wanted someone we knew versus a professional or someone we could hire.
View Quoted Comment
Okay awesome! I actually think that would be even better because you’re not needing profession help or someone to write them for you, you’re just needing guidance so that both speeches are on the same wavelength. And the fact that the officiant knows you personally is even better because he’ll know how to ensure your expectations are met! If not your officiant though maybe the best man and maid of honor? Definitely a close friend that understands what you’re trying to achieve and can guide you guys
My husband and I just straight up wrote them in bed the day before and read them to each other lol which I'm glad we did because it helped keep the length and flow similar as well as tweaking his to be less ...generic sounding. When he heard mine it helped him get a better idea of how to personalize his own. English isn't his first language so I think hearing mine helped him find his own words.