Keeping your last name?

I'm hyphenating my last name. He isn't happy about it but it's important to keep my last name as well.

I understand the reason behind getting upset about it. That's just silly that people would be so rude and close-minded.

However, if you get sassy with them I think it will further the "mean feminist" trope. I'd respond exactly as you said, "I'm published and don't want to cause confusion for further research and am established in my career with this name. FH is very proud of me and thinks it'll be a wonderful example of equality and empowerment to any children we may have."

Done. Mic drop. You really don't have to explain yourself but it might educate people if you explain this way rather than just perpetuate stereotypes they likely already have.

I have my doctorate present quite frequently in my profession. I tossed this idea around a lot but I have chosen to take my husband's. It's a personal decision that I am happy with. However, I do not fault you for not changing yours. Some people have no tack. Simply ignore it and keep moving.

Most of my close friends and I have doctoral degrees and it's been very split between changing and not. I'm changing mine, but I'm an attorney so I don't actually use the "Dr." Title. My MOH is a vet and has her PhD, she changed hers but her first publication came right after she got married. The friends I have who published before they got married kept their maiden names (they're mostly in academia). It's a personal choice, and totally up to you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about it!

WOW. That is so freaking ignorant and judgmental. So by that logic, women with kids who have changed their names are not "career women"?! They're just stay at home moms? Because apparently you can't have a career AND kids? Idiots.

I didn't change my name, but I have never gotten those kinds of comments.

I wouldn't even engage in such conversations. What you do is none of their da*n business.

I don't even see why you need to use the published or PhD argument, either. If you don't want to change your name, that's the reason: that you don't want to change your name. Just more evidence that no one should bother justifying themselves! When you justify, it creates the, "Oh, so if you *weren't* [published/a doctor/well-known/professional] then you would, I see!" No. It's just, "I don't want to change it. The end." There's no hypothetical alternate universe for people to feel comfortable about your decision in!

@Sequin you're exactly right - there is no need justify the decision. My mom goes by Ms Last, even though she has been married for 35 years and took my dad's last name, because she says its no one's business whether or not she is married. I plan to add FH's name to mine - First Middle Maiden Married. My FH is adding my last name as a second middle name, so in a way we're both taking each other's names. I try to avoid the conversation. If people ask, I just say that it's a decision FH and I are making together.

First off, people suck, they are the worst and you should poke them in their side eyes.

I am changing my name, but I put real thought into it, and I will likely still go by my current name at work.

My MIL is shocked that I am still planning to work after we have kids (wait till she hears her son is going to take time from work to raise them!)

Everyone does their thing - the only real reason I am so attached to my name is because I come from a big clan, and those are my people, but half of them don't share a name anyway, we share roots, and it mattered (only a very tiny bit) to my FH that our whole family shares a name (which I get because I feel like my name ties me to my roots), and he is the only male in his line with his last night, I think it would crush his dad if he changed his - so I told him that I would.

That's why I never hyphenated my last name. You can use them interchangeably. When I am married I will be Cheryl My Name His Name no hyphen.

All my degrees had and will continue to reflect this. Keep your name Doctor you worked hard for it :-))

For me there was an element of my identity tied to my last name, and I was coming into marriage with an already hyphenated last name! So I chose the name that lets you know you're going to talking with a Brown Person, and added his behind it. This doesn't change my name much, as it went from Latinoname-WASPname to Latinoname-DifferentWASPname.

One argument that has resonated with me, though, is that one name for a family unit is a symbol of that unity. Plenty of families work with different last names in it, but for me it made a lot of sense that our new baby family would have one name for it. So I'm playing a long game of getting people to call us by my last name (as it includes both last names) but sort of more de-facto than legally (aka, DH won't change his name ) Just another thought!!

EDIT: I recognize like four places here were I could be offending somebody, and I really hope I don't! Everyone should do what they feel best, and I just wanted to add my two cents!

Ugh. I hate that changing the name is still the default. The first time I got married, I kept my name and told everyone to SAD (TM CatsBoninCats), basically. I wasn't prepared for how much it would irritate me when people called me by the wrong name, mailed things to me with his last name, etc. My sister and exMIL were the only people who consistently got it right. It was annoying because it felt like everyone was imposing their outdated tradition on me instead of respecting my wishes or, you know, ASKING ME what name I use.

ETA:You obviously are well known with your business or profession with your last name. I can totally understand not changing it. OP being judgmental don't even deserve the explanation that your career and profession has come so far under SoandSo and it make sense to change it.

Ugh totally understand the professional issue =/ my degrees and practicing license are with my maiden name. I plan on hyphenating but not changing my last name professionally

I'm in an odd boat. I was married young and after divorcing kept the ex's last name. At 23, I didn't think it was worth the hassle to change things. Since then, I've earned 3 degrees and have been known professionally in the legal community with my current name for years. My ex's last name....

Had I had my maiden name, I would have definitely kept it. But I can't imagine not taking FH's last name no matter how known I am professionally. I feel like it's disrespectful to keep another man's name now. So the plan is to go back to firstname maidenname FHname after the wedding.

Like most have said, it's a very personal decision and people need to mind their own business and not comment on the choices of others. I can't believe they'd question if you'd have children simply Bc you didn't change your name!!

Still trying to decide if I want to change my last name or keep it and hyphenate it with FH. I am technically widowed as my former husband and I were separated at the time of his death. The former husband came from a very disfunctional home and a divorce that left a wave of destruction. I want to move on from it.

For some reason, people have this ridiculous belief that your children will be fundamentally flawed if they have a different last name than one of their parents. I can assure you, even though I don't share a last name with my son, he is still legitimately mine. No one like...refuses to let me have him when I pick him up lol.

@Sarah S. I am in the same situation with a professional doctorate.

I think you can say your keeping it for professional reasons. I have done that. As for the side eye, don't let it bother you.

I am still irritated my masters diploma has my ex's name on it.

Reality check here ladies, nobody plans to be divorced. But the rate is high. If you spent 10-12 years earning an advanced degree and change your name legally it is a huge hassle. Plus I could lose a lot of clients and referrals by changing it.

@janeen, I hate that too! I had a different last name than my mom and it was never an issue.

I thought about hyphenating mine...but my last name is a blank color and FH is a slang term for a man's plural genetalia...so seeing as I am a professional employee, while it would be hilarious...I'll just assume FH's name.