Is this appropriate?

I have also heard this rumor that your gift should be enough to 'cover your plate' (it's go to hear that most people have no idea what this is, lol)

I'm sure there is something on the registry that is more reasonable in price, if not, give a gift card in the amount you want to give.

As for wedding, give any amount you want, regardless of plate cost. In NY, $100 is the minimum acceptable amount (this is an unwritten rule that seems to be understood by everyone here). For you and hubby, give $200 in a card. Done.

Yes being in a bridal party comes with a cost, however. You can decline

Who is telling you that you ‘have’ to do all of that?!?

At a minimum, you will have to pay for what you wear for the wedding & HMU, along with a wedding gift. As for the attire, you should be upfront on what your dress budget is (the couple should inquire about this; but may not).

If there is an engagement party, a nice bottle of wine/card perhaps; but if there is no party…it’s really up to you if you want to give something.

As for the bach party/shower, if seen this be hosted by either the BP or family or both. Yes, a gift should be given. If you will be helping to host these events, be sure to let the others know what your budget is. Note that if it’s a destination bach, you have every right to bow out – your attendance is not a requirement.

‘Bridesmaids gift’…WTH is that??? Honestly, never heard of that being a thing & an appliance! Sure…pitch in for a toaster oven!

‘cover our plates’…nope, I don’t ever go by that rule. I would be horrified to know a guest did not attend our wedding because they couldn’t cover the cost of their meal. We didn’t invite them for their gift!

You are not crazy; but the expectation that you have a money tree in the backyard is crazy!!!

Sorry but your husband is mistaken. You give a gift (price is up to you) and if you want you and the party throw the bachelorette party. Other than that you pay for your dress and that's it

The food part sounds absurd. This is also the first I've heard of engagement gifts from out side of tue immediate family.

Have you talked to any of the other bridesmaids about this?

@mandyb

We are the immediate family ))) thats why i want to get the engagement gift

I dont mind doing a trip for a bach and spending about $200 for the shower

Its the bridal party gift and th weddint gift on top of it all is what blows my mind

If they threw their own wedding and not had evrrything paid for id be inclin3d to give a $100-200 for the wedding just cuz i know how hard it is...but they arent... so no. Thats just too much

Re: cover your plate

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/05/manners-mondays_n_3709116.html

None of the above. You should give a wedding gift. Value up to you.

Thanks for feedback everyone. Puts my mind at ease. We just have a house, have 2 kids under 2 and student loans. So what my husband was telling me we r expected to do...drove me nuts. Now i know what to tell him

Most weddings don't even follow customary traditions anymore first of all. Second, none of that is normal. Just get a gift off the registry or a gift card cheaper if you choose. You don't have to kill your budget for any of that. If they choose to have a trip and it's too much, don't go.

Just to clear things up a little on No. 5, I know in the NYC area the "cover your plate" thing is typical and I think it is absurd. It's to the point where I had a friend who was stressing because she was invited to a ~$300pp black tie affair a few months before her own wedding and thought she was expected to gift $600 as a couple. Yeah, it's absurd.

I also think if you're in the bridal party, throwing a shower/bach party/etc, buying a dress, paying for hair/makeup, you shouldn't be expected to give a gift. Being in the wedding is your gift. I've also never heard of an engagement gift before.

Edited for clarification.

Are they even having an engagement party? You can bring something VERY small like a bottle of wine or a ring dish. Do NOT go overboard here and DO NOT give cash. For the shower (assuming there is one), a gift in the $100 range is fine (or a few smaller priced items). I'm sure you'll find something in this range at the stores you mentioned. WTF is a bridesmaid gift? This isn't a thing (at least in my circle). If you're both in the wedding, you will likely have some say over the bachelor/bachelorette. If it's a trip and you can't afford it, say that. If they still want to go, you can opt out. Just make sure you tell them immediately that you aren't going. You don't need to give a $400 gift for the actual wedding, especially since you're both in it and have already spent a lot. ETA: saw your other comment. I don't alter my give amount based on who paid for the wedding (parents, the couple, whoever).

This is crazy.

#2. There are lots of things at Crate & barrel and Pottery Barn that are under $100. the couple should have a range of items and not be just be registering for pots and pans and furniture.

#3. I've never heard of this... ever. The Bride will gift her BMs items. If you do this, to me, it would be their wedding gift.

#5. You do not have to cover your plates. The B&G pay for their reception.

Most of that is not typical.

#1 Engagement gifts are not mandatory at all and are only really a thing if you are going to an engagement party.

#2 Bridal shower gifts have a wide range depending on how much you can afford and how close you are to the couple. I have seen gifts generally range from $30-$150 but it can vary depending on where you are. Generally larger gifts come from parents and grandparents.

#3 I have never heard of a bridesmaid gift from the bridesmaids to the bride. I have even been a bridesmaid before. Sometimes the bridesmaids pool their money to get a larger wedding present for the couple though.

#4 Paying for the bachelor/bachelorette parties is typical but not mandatory. If you can't afford it you can tell the others and not go to the bachelorette party or try to scale it back to an affordable level.

#5 You do not pay for your plate, although some people use the cost of the plate to determine how much they want to give as a wedding present. I personally don't think that that is a good way to go about gift giving though.

As everyone has already said, none of those are requires expenses.  I would sit down with your husband and have a conversation about what you are willing to spend total on this whole wedding.  If both of you are in the wedding, you will both need to buy or rent clothes, you may want to have hair and makeup done, and you may need or want a hotel and childcare for the night of the wedding and rehearsal.  Include all of those costs in what you are budgeting.  If it is more than you are willing and able to spend, start cutting things out.  Put everything in order of what is most important for you to both be a part of in their wedding process.  Start at the top of the list and once you run out of what is budgeted, opt out of the rest of the things.

The engagement gift is not necessary.

And the bridesmaid gift is defiantly not necessary.  I have never actually heard of that.  Especially on top of a bridal shower gift.

Typically, the bridal party does host and plan the bridal shower.  But if you can't spend the money or time to do it, you don't have to.  When someone asks you about helping with it just tell them that you won't be able to and you would like to be invited as a guest.  If you are able to help with the planning and paying for the shower, don't feel like you have to also get them a gift from the registry. I would consider the party as your gift to them.  If you can get them a gift off the registry, great.  But it doesn't  have to be big and expensive. Just whatever you can afford.

The bachelorette and bachelor parties are also not a requirement. If you can and want to go, then go.  But if not, just tell whoever is planning them that you will not be joining.

You do not have to give a wedding gift that will "cover the cost of your plate."  Give what you can afford to give.  But, like you said, you are already going to b spending money on the dress and suit and other things just to be in the wedding party.  Don't go broke for someone else's wedding. 

Good lord, no.

1. Engagement gifts are typically just small tokens - a bottle of wine or a photo frame. Or even just a card is fine. You don't have a to spend a lot for this.

2). Shower - you do NOT have to spend $200-$300. I've never spent that much on a shower gift. $50 range is fine. If there is nothing on the registry within your price range, going off the registry is fine. C&B and PB have lots of options in the $50 range.

3). This is not a thing. But if you DO choose to contribute to this group gift, then this would be your wedding gift, you don't have to ALSO give money for the wedding. Do one or the other for the wedding (money in a card or contribute to this group gift), not both.

4). Bachelor parties are optional. If you can't afford the trip, decline.

5). "Cover your plate" is oven repeated as a wedding guest "rule". This is a myth - it is NOT an etiquette rule. Give only what you can afford. You definitely don't have to give them $400. And given all of the money are spending to be part of the wedding, it would make sense to give them less than you normally do for other weddings.

2,4 are totally optional and 1, 3 and 5 are absurd!

(1) Engagement parties are not gift grabs. We just had a BBQ in the summer with friends. No gifts or pomp and circumstance. No need for gifts. Maybe bring a bottle of wine or alcohol like you would a normal dinner party.

(3) I have never even heard of. You do not buy them a "BIG EXPENSIVE" present because you are in the bridal party. HELLO, you are already buying a dress, shoes, hair, make up and his suit or tux. There is no need for this. Just do a normal present. Me myself, if I am paying to be in your wedding...you are not getting a top shelf present from me...you are getting a blender!

(5) NO, NO, NO....NOOOOOOO.... you do not in any realm of thought pay for your own plate...$400????? NO! What the heck are they serving for a $200 dinner plate?

That is nonsense.

If the bride is expecting this, then I would put this girl in check quick or just ignore it and do not do these things. You do not have to go into debt over someone's wedding.

That's an awful lot, honestly. Bridal shower gift should be something you can afford off of the couples registry. Don't over think that, but if the bridesmaids want to do a combined gift then you should contribute as your gift. I wouldn't contribute more than $100 toward a gift like that though because that's an awful lot. The parties are expensive but you should talk to the other members of the bridal party, and plan something you can afford. As far as your plates for the wedding, no you do not have to do that. You can give a nice gift off of the registry. You should only ever give what makes sense that you can afford.

The two items you said you don't think are normal....is because they are not normal. There's no such thing as a bridesmaid gift (other than bridesmaids showing up on time in their dress & smiling for photos), and bridal party generally doesn't need to give an additional wedding gift if you can't afford it. If you do gift for one category, then you definitely do not need to do the other- bridal party group gift = wedding gift.

I'm in a wedding in March that I will probably have spent around $1000 for by the time the wedding rolls around between the shower, bachelorette, hair & makeup, shoes, etc. Normally my FH & I believe in fairly generous cash wedding gifts ($300-400) because in our circles that's customary. We'll probably still gift my friend at her wedding, but definitely not as much as we would if we were just attending as guests.