Is this appropriate?

Uhm you shouldn't cover your own plate for the wedding first of all. Ever. That's not okay and the couple pays for the wedding reception.

And you aren't required to buy any gift - let alone four. And they shouldn't be telling you the types of gifts and amount

This couple is definitely out of line. You aren't required to do or buy anything aside from your attire and show up to the ceremony slightly sober.

...... that is crazy she's asking you to cover your own food?? NOPE. Sorry. They wouldn't get an extravagant gift from me if I'm paying for my own 400 dollar meal.

If i had to pay for my own meal, I don't know if I would even bring a gift. You are PAYING for her wedding they are probably making money off of you. Where are you located? I'm getting married in SoCal and it's 115 per person, not 200

They arent asking i am just told thats customary

They arent paying for their wedding either

@Lee it's not customary to be *invited* to the wedding and then having to fork over money to cover yours and your husbands meal. That's not good etiquette and extremely rude on her part. If she's not paying for the wedding who is

Number 5 is a definite no. The bride and groom (ETA - or whoever is paying for the wedding) should cover all expenses of the reception as a thank you to their wedding party and guests.

The others, while not required, are generally when gifts can be given but you're under no obligation to do so. When my best friend got engaged, I just bought her a drink to celebrate. Yes, bridal showers you generally buy off the registry but again, you're under no obligation to buy something off their registry $200-300 if you cannot afford it. You can buy something cheaper off their registry. I'm not sure about #3 but I'd think that that's not necessarily required but if you and the bridesmaids would like to do it, then that's up to you.

As for the bachelorette/bachelor parties, again you're under no obligation to spend money you don't have to make a trip. If you can afford it, great! If not, be up front with whoever is planning and only spend what you are comfortable with spending. It may stink to have to miss a party, but just because you're in the wedding party doesn't mean that the wedding festivities should bleed you dry.

I hope I covered everything!

This definitely isn't customary...i kind of veered in the opposite direction but i told my WP that i didn't expect gifts from them for the engagement party or shower since many were traveling and a couple were students at the time. you most definitely should not be expected to pay for your meal at the wedding. the bachelor/bachelorette parties are add-ons that are usually paid for by the organizers, but that should not be an up front expectation.

Who told you you have to do that? And if the couple aren't paying how did you get those amounts?

None of that is required. Guests NEVER pay for any part of the reception as it is a thank you for attending. Especially bridal party. Also gift giving is not a requirement - and no one can tell you what type of gifts to give if you feel inclined. You decide that based on your own budget and what the couple registers for - if they do register.

ETA: I have also never heard of anyone receiving gifts at an engagement party. Most engagement parties I know are annoucements. The couple or parents of couple host a party/get together and then the annoucement about the engagement is made to the guests and most people don't know. until that moment.

@ashley her dad is.

So to be fair, she hasnt said anything, but my husband is telling me this is what is expected at any wedding you go to.

Who is telling you that you have to do this? Your husband or the couple?

For the bridal shower gift I'm sure there will be something for less money. If there isn't get them a gift card to one of their registry places for the amount you are comfortable with.

I've been a bridesmaid twice and never did a bridesmaid gift.

If the bachelorette party planned is above your budget don't go. If you are helping to plan with other bridesmaids suggest things you can afford.

Cover your plates as in pay for what you eat? Or cover your plates as in give a gift that covers your plate? You don't need to give a gift that "covers" your plate. Give what you can afford.

ETA: I see from the comments you meant covering plate as in a gift amount, so my last point stands, give what you can afford, or feel comfortable giving.

I'm not sure if by customary, you might mean that the gift(s) you give equate to the $400 meal cost. Early on in the planning my dad kept trying to get me to invite as many people in order to "make back" what I spent, but I shut it down really quick and told him that I'm not trying to make money from our wedding, I just want to celebrate with those we love.

@ Ashley, the guest are paying for the wedding! Oh man this is SO tacky OP, and you are not obligated to buy anyone a gift.

None of this is customary.

I don't know where the 'cover your plate' thing came to be, but in my area, that would be a gift of 250-600 per couple. HA HA HA.. No. And a 300.00 shower gift? No again.

And everyone knows how I feel about giant, expensive bach parties. Which you can totally bow out of, especially since all these expenses are doubled and augmented by the need to buy specific apparel for the wedding

You give depending on your own ability and desire. Or as we'd say in church, 'give as you are moved and able."

RUN!!!

1. You do not have to get them an engagement gift but if you do, it can be something small and sweet like a bottle of champagne and a wedding planning magazine.

2. Generally the bridesmaids pitch in to purchase a more expensive gift for the shower.

3. I’ve never heard of it being in addition to a shower gift.

4. I’ve also never heard of the bridal party covering their own plates at the wedding! Both times I’ve been a bridesmaid I still gave them a card and cash just like I would if I was a regular guest - but didn’t give he couple money up front to pay for my plate.

It does add up quickly being in the wedding party between attire, parties, gifts and time. The bridesmaids may also be expected to host the shower and the bachelorette party which is an additional cost to you as well.

Not customary. You should not be paying for your plates at a wedding.

To be fair, I've always been told to 'cover the cost of the plate' when giving a gift. It's wrong, but it's what people do.

It's okay to bow out of bachelor/ette trips if you can't afford it

It's okay to give a gift card at the shower or split the cost of a more expensive gift with someone

I've never heard of the bridal party buying a big gift for the couple, unless they all go in on the shower gift together

And yes, being in a wedding has gotten out of control. FH and I easily spent $2500 being in his brother's wedding this fall between the shower, bachelorette trip, bachelor party, dress, alterations, tux, gift for wedding and shower, hair, makeup, etc. It was fucking insane and we're still feeling the financial strain.

I's easy enough to find credible sources of etiquette advice online. I'm glad you reached out before you spent all this money unnecessarily.

1. Engagement gift (something small and cute, very excited to shop for it, or money)

Engagement parties are not gift giving events. Some people will bring gifts. A card with your best wishes is perfectly satisfactory.

2. Bridal shower gift (we are close to the couple and registry is coming up and i hear it will b upscale stores like pottery barn and crate and barrel so $200-300 easy)

Brides aren't entitled to showers. Bridesmaids are not obligated to host one. You can use her registry and buy something small. Everyone in their right mind knows that being in the wedding party is expensive.

3. Bridesmaids gift. (Somethint big for the couple where bridesmaids pitch in to buy an item like a patio set or appliances so depending could be $200-400)

Not necessary at all. Set your own budget, choose your own gift.

4. Bachelorette and bachelors parties. Will likely be trips

Everyone should be involved in the planning. Make sure you speak up. It will give others the courage to do the same. There is no need for a trip.

5. Cover our plates at wedding $400.

Covering your plate is an absurd idea. The hosts pay for the meal, not the guests. Some people will say they do this, but it is by no means common practice.

Set yourselves a budget for what you can comfortably spend on this wedding and don't be pressured or bullied into spending more.

Wedding gift from what i understand is that u normally give cash or a check to least cover your plate. Their venue is upscale and is prob about $200 pp so for us two itd be $400 and if we can give more we should give more. Ive done that dor weddings i went to. But i alwats thought bridal party is excluded because of how much they spent for everything durint the process

Your husband is incorrect. Skip the engagement gift, get them a nice shower gift but don't go broke doing so. For the wedding you can give them whatever you're comfortable with but in no way do you need to "cover your plate".

Your husband is telling you it's customary to give a $200 shower gift? No that's not normal. Even at Pottery Barn there are plenty of gift options around $50.

If your husband is the one feeding you this info it sounds like he is very confused. I would ignore and spend what you feel comfortable doing.