Is it rude to require at least black tie?

It's fine to expect black or white tie attire, as long as you're hosting a black or white tie event; valet parking, multi-course plated meal, live band, open bar, etc. It's not fine if you're not actually hosting a black tie event.

Black tie indicates a level of hosting not just what you want people to wear. If you’re having a black tie wedding then it’s perfectly fine to state that on your invitations.

I agree with Caytlyn. Black/White tie events go well beyond the dress. I have been invited to events billed as "black tie" but they never are.
If you are actually hosting a black tie event then it is fine to indicate it will be black tie so guests can choose their outfit accordingly. If your event is not truly black tie it is not appropriate to indicate that it is.

Thank you, but I want to clarify: My question goes beyond this - I want my whole family, from Kentucky mind you (not a wealthy state), to show up. If I am doing as close as I can to a black tie event, how do I get everyone to come the best way they can?

View Quoted Comment You don't get to dictate how your guests dress. They are adults.
If it is truly black tie you may indicate this, but your invitations and venue will also provide hints to your guests and they will dress as they determine appropriate.

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All you can do is tell your guests that it's a black tie event. Some will oblige, some won't come, and some may even show up underdressed. That's the chance you have to be willing to take if you host a black tie event, especially if you know it's not really your crowd's style.

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What's more important to you; having your family there or black tie attire? It doesn't sound like both is an option.

Why don’t you just say “black tie optional”? It’ll give people the excuse to do it if they want to or can afford to but doesn’t make it required if they can’t afford it

Maybe you could go with "black tie optional" That typically indicates that black tie is preferred, but a suit or other formal attire is also acceptable. On your wedding website you could add a little more detail.

View Quoted Comment I like that idea, but am worried that black-tie optional has become its own thing. Like, that means suits and cocktail dresses. I guess I could print that - or not print any dress instructions - and just tell people vocally. Maybe I need to take my own advice and remember that these are the people who love us, and they are not going to be offended or overly concerned about what I write on my invitations. “Hey I love you, and I want you to come. Please dress as fancy as you can. The wedding party will be in tailcoats, but we want you there even if you can’t afford a tux. This is a great opportunity to wear your old prom dress or gaudy jewelry, and if you can rent a tux that would be great- don’t rent something and buys us a present, though.”

View Quoted Comment Yeah and what you’re describing is literally “black tie optional” lol. I’d put black tie optional on the invitation, and then more details on your website. I definitely would NOT say outright “we want you there even if you can’t afford a tux.” I get your intention is good, but it feels really patronizing from a guest perspective. Maybe like “Our wedding will be black tie optional... which means we’d love for you to dress in tuxes and gowns (the wedding party will be in tuxes with tailcoats), but other formal attire is great too!”


Then I’d mention the gift stuff separately on your registry, you could begin with a message like “Your presence is the only gift we want!” Though if you do want to register just in case, you could add a line like “though if you insist on getting us something tangible, here are a few things we could use...”

Answering the title of your post: yes it's rude to REQUIRE any particular level of dress of your guests unless you are hosting in a venue that has their own requirements and you are just passing along that information to your guests. And even then, if you choose such a restrictive venue knowing that a portion of your guest list will have difficulty complying (due to finances or other life circumstances) then it's not exactly rude, but it is unkind.

You are allowed to dream of any event you want. But in the real world (i.e., not the dream world), people's circumstances and feelings matter. Like Caytlyn said, "What's more important to you; having your family there or black tie attire? It doesn't sound like both is an option."

I think you will enjoy your planning process and the wedding itself so much more if you focus on the things you can actually control (your own dress, the level of hosting) and let the stuff you cannot control (whether or not your Uncle Ken rents a tux) go.

All of that said, you haven't answered whether or not you are hosting an actual black tie event, or if you are just focusing on guest clothing.

I think requiring black or white tie is fine, as long as the wedding is truly that. Valet, coat check, several course plated meal, full open bar, live band, favors, nice hotel blocked, etc. Typically saying "black tie event" tells the guests what to expect from the host (then they decide what to wear).

I think, reading through your posts here, OP, you may not be having a white or black tie event so much as you are having it as a theme of sorts. That clicked for me when I saw that you were proposing guests could wear their own wedding dresses and gaudy costume jewellery, which one would never do at an actual black tie or even black tie optional event. So perhaps have gala themed invites and guests can choose to participate in your theme if they wish.

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I agree with this and with everything others have said.

If you are having a black tie event, you need to host a black tie event (valet, coach check, plated multi-course meal, open bar, live music, etc) not just request/require a certain style of dress. It sounds like you just want to have a fancy party, as close to black tie themed as possible, but not truly black tie. Keep in mind that if you are inviting "not black tie people" to a true black tie event, they may not understand the social etiquette or decorum of the setting, which can make people uncomfortable. Ultimately, I think you need to decide what your highest priorities are (the type of event, how people dress, who comes) and go from there.

I'm having a Kentucky wedding in a few week. We went with black tie optional and it has been great for those who want to be more formal and those who just want to wear a nice dark suit. It's much more accommodating for your guest, and most people will understand it is meant to be formal.

I really like the idea of a fancy-themed wedding. I go to black tie events often for work, but a fun event for someone I know/love where I could pull out all the stops and dress to the max? Sign me up!

View Quoted Comment Not long ago we were invited to a very nice, but not black tie worthy wedding and buffet style reception meal. And instead of pushing people into black tie without all black tie worthy service , as they had wanted for months, they changed invitations and did a "Puttin' on the Ritz" theme. With silhouettes of ballroom dancers around the borders, and a write up with it and on their website. Get all dolled up, because you have somewhere to go, I remember reading. Fun, and people were either in bests suits and long dresses, or in fancy gowns and about half in evening jackets. A fair number of not black Tuxes, midnight blue, navy, grey. Festive, more than black would be . If that is what you are suggesting, I have to say they had a great turnout, with little of the grumbling you get when you "require" black tie. I am not much for theme weddings on baseball, or a movie, or some truly awful ones ( Addams Family ) . I think a dress up affair, day or evening, is enough. But this was romantic and beautiful. And perfectly suited for a wedding.

I think it's within your right to make a humble request for people to wear what you want. Most guests will comply and some won't. On the day of your wedding, it'll be out of your hands anyway unless you have a bouncer at the door. And I'd be shocked if your family chose to skip your wedding over attending somewhat underdressed and maybe feeling awkward for 3 minutes.

View Quoted Comment Yes, that is exactly what I am suggesting :-)