Is it rude to ask guests to pay for all or some of the meal?

Man! These comments are rude. Geez. She just asked a question. I found this discussion because I was curious as well. Nicole you are not alone. Its 2019 and a lot of people don't have mom or dad paying for anything and the cost plays a huge part of a everything. Weddings are more for friends and family (the people who keep begging for a date and inviting themselves-running the costs up) than the bride or groom. Its a lot of pressure to try to please everyone.

I think its a good idea in theory but its not practical to have people pay. I wish

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No they are for the bride and groom. If they have people asking for the date then they can easily say they are not hosting a wedding as they don't have the money to.

We are paying ourselves. We limited our guest list and went with a smaller venue etc. to stay within what We could afford including an open bar because no one should be paying to attend

Good lord. I’m shocked at how rude/emphatic these responses are. OP was just asking a question, and I wound up here because I was googling the same question. And it’s a question about *weddings,* folks, let’s calm down, we’re not debating nuclear disarmament. As far as asking guests to help contribute, here’s what I was thinking (Nicole and Zipporah, maybe this will help)... Obv not all of us can afford to pay for a meal for all our friends and family. If I just invited my side of the family alone, it’s already 40 total people. *BUT* this whole idea that weddings are parties “hosted” by the bride and groom is flawed — I know some of my friends and family would actually *want* to be there. So maybe just reach out to everyone privately and say that you’d love to host a traditional wedding, can’t afford it, but anyone who would like to be there is welcome and everyone who attends will be pooling together to contribute — and then offer them a discreet way to do so. Again tho, I’d say all this privately and individually, rather than formally on an invitation. It’s 2019, times are changing.

View Quoted Comment Helen I’m glad we are not alone on this. Lol

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There's no way to do this without someone finding out. What do say to "Ashley" when she finds out she had to pay for her meal but "Jessica" got to eat for free. If you can't afford to feed your guests, then elope.

This is a common practice in Asia. Weddings are helped by guest footing their on plate and seat. Ridiculous to read people shame her. I been to many big wonderful asian weddings and guest pay for those seats; my family as other guest paid $50-$200 per family. A bride, groom, and guest all should feel honored when both ways are meant. A guest is honored to be invited and pay for their food and bride/groom is honored by their attendance.

Have the wedding you can afford. If it's cake and punch in your mother's living room with ten guests at 2 in the afternoon, fine--pay for it. The guests are your guests. You offer them food and drink, however modest (though appropriate to the time of day), and you pay for it. Period.

If your food cost is a concern for you, i would look into maybe having BBQ or a restaurant do drop off catering, and have a buffet style wedding. idk where you live, but i'm sure you could find someone who would do trays of food for a wedding. you would probably need to supply a staff for serving but it's still a cheaper option. i wouldn't attend a wedding where i was asked by the couple to pay for my own seat.

Weddings are expensive so stay within your budget but that budget should include some type of food and beverage. If money is tight, you could consider doing a cocktail hour with a signature drink or just wine and beer. Cutting dinner out could save thousands! Guests expect something but you set the stage. If it ends up being a cocktail hour only then note that on the invite. Also, brunch weddings may be more financially frugal.

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This is not a common or acceptable practice in Western etiquette, and it was not at all ridiculous for people to point that out. Host the wedding you can afford. Don't expect or ask your guests to pay for your event.

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It's not okay to do something rude just because it's _____ (insert year here).

That is very rude

1. You can't tell people how to post. It's against the board's rules, and that has been pointed out.

2. This is an etiquette and advice board (see title at top of screen). You get advice about etiquette here. It is the strongly felt advice of most of the posters on this thread that the host ( "the person who has invited the guests and provides the food, drink, or entertainment"--Collins English Dictionary) provides food and drink for the guests ("someone who is visiting you or is at an event because you have invited them"--Collins English Dictionary). Providing food and drink is an essential part of the definition of "host." Not to do so violates the basic concept of hosting and hospitality. And members of an etiquette board tend to care about that.

3. A cocktail hour without appetizers does not offer food; offering extensive appetizers during a cocktail hour is often more expensive than serving dinner. If you can't afford to feed your guests a meal, get married at two in the afternoon and afterwards serve cake and punch. Or limit your guest list to the number of people to whom you can afford to serve a meal, even if that number is eight.

4. There is no polite way around this.

I’m having this issue now
I personally think for a nice intimate dinner or cocktail reception it’s not “rude” now for a big reception maybe. But 🤔 plot twist would it be classified as “rude” for us and the bride and groom to pay $80-100 per person to eat and people who RSVP’d don’t show up and now that’s money down the drain..
Idk part of me honestly doesn’t want to do the reception all together.

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Don't do the reception if you're not willing to actually pay for your guests.

Holy cow I am so sorry at how horribly you were attacked for this question.
It is your wedding day and they are your friends and family. Do what is best for you and yours.
Hosting a bit Pinterest perfect wedding is overrated and not possible for most people these days - don’t stress!If you have a typical reception where people have to pick from a pre-set menu and then pay their way, that may be hard for people to understand.You could consider having a ceremony that you invite people to and tell them that having a ceremony where your friends and family could witness your union was most important to you and you didn’t want to wait to get married until you could host a reception however you and your groom will be going to XYZ after the ceremony to eat and if they’d like to grab lunch/dinner/brunch they could go as well!
Weddings are about the love and union of 2 people - not how much money you can spend. Focus on the love.
And this is coming from a bride that did the whole big wedding. Focus on what matters and that is the love!

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I agree with Melissa. Some people genuinely don't know and are asking a question.... caused the lady to deactivate her account and this is supposed to be a welcoming forum.

I would recommend, Nicole, that you and your fiance elope if finances are a major issue. And if you would prefer in the future, to have some kind of larger reception in a year or however long you find fit. All the best

Wow wow wow!!! Some of these comments are really unnecessary! I ended up on this board because I actually was thinking about the same question. And yes every wedding I have been to or know about the meals were paid for by the bride and groom but I didn’t know if it was a thing or not that guest paid their own way so I went searching. I’ve heard of a cash bar before but nothing with food and was curious. Instead of everyone being helpful you were just nasty to the poor girl.

A guest is someone the host entertains (that means pays for). If you can't pay for 100 guests, have 20. Have 12. Cutting down the guest list is the fastest way to save money.

You do not have to invite every extended family member. (My maternal grandmother had eight living siblings when my mother got married in her living room; about 35/40 people attended the wedding, so clearly most of her aunts, uncles, and cousins were not invited. Just to begin with.) You do not have to ask every parental figure to produce a list of invitees; in fact, I strongly advise against doing this. You host; you invite, you pay.

(You also do not need live entertainment, favors, a photo booth, chair covers, limos, top shelf liquor, eight attendants, a five-thousand-dollar dress, a two-thousand-dollar dress, a dove release, up-lighting, a chocolate fountain, centerpieces, and most of the other stuff the wedding industry likes to sell people. But you do need to give your guests food and drink and a chair each.)

Or have your wedding and reception (the reception is a thank-you to the guests--those people you are hosting, that is, treating, paying for--for attending your wedding; a reception of some kind is required*) at a time of day or night when no meal is usually served. That is, not between 12 and 2 and not after 6. Serve cake and punch.

Have the wedding you can afford. It's not about lavish; it's about love, including love of your guests.

*(As my sister-in-law said, while planning her wedding, "You can't ask people to come...and not feed them." Full buffet chicken dinner with wine and cake, as I recall.)

My sister did this. And she’s not poor just cheap af. She paid for so many meals. If you took too long to RSVP you were stuck buying your own food at $25/plate. Her wedding reception was at a different location than the dinner. She cut cake and had drinks before dinner, which gave everyone the option to be there at the wedding, and to join them for dinner if you wanted.