Inviting Over Capacity

Yes that’s what I did. I had an A lost and B lost and as guests canceled I invited B list guest. A list were must invites and the B list was I really want you there but I have to prioritize family, colleagues and close friends.

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Okay! I know that the old school advice is that it's bad etiquette to do this, but I've had this happen to me and I was just excited to get to go.

View Quoted Comment Perhaps it is but I wanted to have a good sense of who was coming as we had it in my parents backyard and my mom was initially strict about capacity, and the yard could only accommodate 200 people. Plus we had to account for Covid. I only lost 10-20 guests and people on alternate list understood.

I completely agree. I know some people say having two lists is “horrible”, but it is very logical. Also, there are tons of articles out there by reputable wedding industry professionals who say that it is perfectly acceptable to have an A list and B list, as long as those on the B list have plenty of advance notice to plan and respond. I would make sure the people on the B list are completely removed from those on the A list, however. Otherwise, there is a good chance they will realize they were B listed; and of course you don’t want to make any of your guests feel less than.

View Quoted Comment Exactly! Culturally for us everyone is invited and there is no guest list per se. But I had to prioritize out of the country guests before I could prioritize locals. Anyhoo worked for us and highly recommended doing this despite traditional opinion.

Save the Dates do not have RSVPs attached, so how will you know if people will attend/decline? I do think children should be invited (or else provide a babysitter) as parents cannot just leave their kids to travel to Europe (unless a relative is available to help).

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They don't, but people I'm close to would tell me before 6 weeks prior (when invites go out) if they would be able to come or not to an international destination wedding. Most people would know by then if they could afford to go and it would come up in conversation. Probably not people I don't often talk to, but a good chunk of people. I've been sent save the dates from friends and realized the date wouldn't work and told them I wouldn't be able to go.

Don't invite over capacity, unless you have a solid option to get a bigger venue at the last minute.

B-listing guests is going to risk hurting feelings, because people always know they weren't first choice when they receive a late invite. If you doubt that, hang around here awhile, occasionally we see the fallout of doing that.

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Would the B-list really be bad if they just don't get a save the date and get the invitation at the same time as everyone else? I don't think I would send invitations out after declined RSVPs. Only if people tell me they can't come when I send save the dates.

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Thank you for the perspective on parents. I wasn't sure if they'd want to prefer to bring them or find a babysitter/relative to watch them. I would like them there so this is good to know.

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B-list is against etiquette, now and in the past. Whenever there's a risk of hurting the feelings of your nearest and dearest it's against etiquette.

The people that don't get the save the date will possibly find out they didn't get one. No-one wants to feel like second choice. Even if you think they won't find out, there is always a chance they will. "Hey Mildred, bevbabe's STD's went out!"...and etc.

You still need to send invites to everyone following the STD, leaving people opportunity to change their mind and accept the invitation, so you're still at the same place you started at. Not knowing if you're over capacity.

The STD isn't a chance to get an advance count on your numbers. We get questions here occasionally that if someone says they can't come do they need an invite. They do. With that, the chance is always they'll change their minds. Then you're over capacity.

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Thank you for your perspective!

While B-listing is technically against etiquette, I DO think it can work for a local wedding. But for a destination wedding halfway across the world? Unfortunately, I do not think having an A-list and B-list can work in this situation. The problem is that people need a lot of time to make plans for destination weddings, especially involving travel all the way to Europe. Save the dates or some kind of advanced notice are necessary for destination weddings, and people don't RSVP to save the dates. So you would have to wait until RSVPS are in for your A-list to determine how many you can include in your B-list, and by that time, it will probably be obvious to these guests that they were B-listed, they will not have received save the dates, and it would likely be too late to even buy plane tickets. You can't invite someone to a destination wedding at the last minute, so I don't see how it would work logistically.

Never invite more than capacity holds. Also keep in mind that some venues count all vendors towards the fire code capacity. 100% attendance happens more than people think. B Listing is considered rude and those who do get B Listed invites know they are your 2nd or 5th choice and would rather not be invited at all.

I echo Michelle sand Jacks. Never invite more guests than your budget or venue capacity can handle. The final guest list should always be made using the assumption that 100% say yes. This protects you from financial troubles or the venue canceling your contract.
B-Listing is never really a good idea. People DO find out. Most people talk. My advice is start with people you absolutely can’t imagine your day without, and then fill in up to your max. If you get rude, nosy people asking to be invited, stand your ground. Weddings are expensive and every head counts (unfortunately some people don’t realize this).

Never, ever invite above capacity. Save yourself the headache.


I agree you're more likely to encourage attendance if you allow kids.
I, personally, don't see the big deal about B lists. Everyone has a budget, a capacity limit, and obligatory invites. If I didn't make it in the top 150 but am in the top 200, I'm not going to be upset. But I agree B listing may not work so well for a destination wedding.

I’m doing the same! Except the only people we are inviting are our parents and siblings and our nieces. As well as each of our best friends. Total only 16 people. I’m stress out with that number so I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling. Once we get back we are going to have a party with all the people we didn’t invite to celebrate. This is YOUR day. Do want makes YOU happy and stress free.

Well either way the descion that you have too make really too cap the number of ppl. But it is really up too the both of you if you are comfortable of going too the 15 over guests. I would play it safe and stick with your original number and maybe 10 more add which is 160 and stop. I hope that I have help

Just in case someone stumbles upon this and wants to know what we did, I invited 8 over. I also only invited kids of close friends and family. I understand the etiquette, but logically all of them are not going to come to a destination wedding in Europe. Especially with the current inflation, flight prices, flight time, hotel cost, etc. If this was a local wedding or even a destination wedding in North America I would 100% agree with not going above capacity, but that's just not the case.