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Rockstar December 2022

Invites out of obligation vs actually wanting them in attendance

Michelle, on January 27, 2022 at 7:05 PM Posted in Planning 0 8
If you are paying for everything yourselves without assistance, how did you determine the guest list? Are you inviting people who don’t have any relationship with you or fiancé to share your day to please everyone around you or are you limiting it to your closest friends and relatives? Who can you not imagine the day without? Those should be your priority guests. Everyone else can receive an announcement after the wedding.

While not everyone can afford or wants many random people in attendance they aren’t close to, parents can host guests in their home at another time or start a tradition of a family reunion picnic that you are not responsible for financing. It’s not like your wedding is the only event in their lives or the only party you will host as a couple.
Especially since the majority opinion is that a full dinner is the “minimum requirement” for proper hosting, which it is not, those do not come cheap and you can’t expect that every guest will “cover their plate” because an equal number do not give cash gifts nor is it their responsibility to pay for their dinner or drinks.


Latest activity by Sarah, on January 28, 2022 at 8:38 PM
  • Lunajay
    Super December 2022
    Lunajay ·
    • Flag

    Before when we were having a big wedding, it was only going to be close family (I have a big family) and close friend to us. I don't see why I have to invited my moms church friend she only sees on Sunday or the friend that I/she talks to every 3 month.

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Master November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    We have been very fortunate in that neither of our families are pressuring us to invite certain people. We’ve drastically downsized our guest list after postponing for the second time, and have decided the only family we will be inviting to our destination wedding are parents and siblings; the rest of our guests will be close friends. We did that because I have a massive family, and I couldn’t imagine inviting some family members and not others. So it was just easier this way. We plan to host a local celebration some time after wedding, where all of our family members will be invited. Am I as close with some of them as I am with others? No. But there is no way I would want any of my family members to feel left out or “less than”.
    • Reply
  • Ashley
    Dedicated April 2023
    Ashley ·
    • Flag

    We knew from the get go that we would not invite people:

    1) We haven't seen in a year (because we got engaged on jan 30, 2021 so we are not willing to add people that will only try to meet us in order to get a STD but are not really in our lives but only want to enjoy a free meal, a free party.

    2) Family members, family friends my fiancé has never met and his family members, his family friends I've not met.

    3) Those who will be under 18 on 04-29-23, our wedding day with 2 exceptions: me bro who wilm be 16 and fiancé's golddaughter who will be 14. It's not a big deal since we're nixing kids, including toddlers,infants because they can cry,scream, make scenes and ruin our day but these 2 are old enough to know how to behave properly in public.

    4) Co-workers because neither of us has any relationship with them outside de the office and we've never met each other's coworkers.

    We are not inviting anyone out of "obligation", people our parents are submitting if we don't want them.

    "parents can host guests in their home at another time or start a tradition of a family reunion picnic that you are not responsible for financing. " I love this and we both used a simimar phrase more than once, we even had to be rude a couple of times to shut their mouth for good!

    Paying for everything is the 1st decision we made because my future mother- IL and one of my aunts "gifted" their daughter and now son-IL with money but, of course, invited people that either the bride nor the groom knew, they got a (very huge) say on the dinner menu,number of courses and even decided who would be on formal photos besides the couple,immediate families, grandparents and wedding party. Specifically, they added sibling's Sos (some of these relationships didn't last) and aunts,uncles that the couples didn't want in them!

    However, we're inviting some uncles,aunts,great aunts,great uncles, cou sins and 2nd cousins we're not close to and we don't talk to... under 2 conditions: if we see them on the regular and they met my fiancé or me before we got engaged.

    Our guest list is not final yet but we know it'll be 80-90, no more. Had we let parents add names, it would have been 250 with a majority consisting of people we don't care about.

    • Reply
  • Ashley
    Dedicated April 2023
    Ashley ·
    • Flag
    As for the fact that the guests cover their plates: 2 years ago a fiancé's cousin asked everyone to cover the buffet, cake and drinks. His family helped them with DIY decor, set-up & tear down, they even got a Hair+ makeup artist, flowers for her bouquet, his boutonniere, a photographer and a videographer for free (because the final bill was shared by the guests), the only things they paid for were the tuxedo, dress and shoes!
    When we knew we were required to basically foot the bill, my fiancé RSVPed no, he let me make the decision for myself and I RSVPed no! We were required to pay $200 each. No way... In fact only 5 people RSVPed no or didn't show up.
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    Oh man my parents and his parents did not help with the wedding cost and i was ok with that but they wanted to invite so many people~ i let them invite like 80 people. i felt like that was a lot of friggin people considering i didn't even have 80 on my OWN guest list.

    it's a tradition in my culture to let your parents have their own guests. i think the mindset is that they want to share the moment, etc.

    i did have some regret because that was more to coordinate and quite frankly... i didn't really care for most of those people because i didn't even know them, ya know? and it ballooned my guest list to a really large amount and so i was kinda like darn i have even less time to spend with people in general. but in the end it worked out.

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Rockstar October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag

    We had both sets of parents offer to help pay, and FH decided he would rather us pay for it all on our own, so we declined. His parents said "okay, but it's still here if you want it" and my dad insisted that he help. So, before we even accepted any money from them I had to tell them straight up that if they're insisting when we declined then they don't get to have any strings attached. It's not fair for them to get special privilege for contributing when FH's family was happy to help but didn't insist. My mom tried once to pull the "We're helping pay so I want there to be people there that I know," thing and I immediately shut that down. She has at least talked to well over half of our guest list so I am not concerned about her not knowing anyone.

    Since neither of us have a ton of friends anyway, most of our guest list is family or family friends, so I don't feel bad telling parents that more friends can't come. Family friends we invite are pretty much limited to people that have met both of us or in very few cases they're just people who have been very influential in our lives that we just haven't seen consistently in years. My family isn't close at all, so a lot of those are obligation, but there's no nice way to invite like all of the aunts and uncles except one, or every parents' siblings except my dad's (we REALLY never see them and I don't care if they show up or not.)

    Edit: "It’s not like your wedding is ... the only party you will host as a couple." This may be true for some couples, but this isn't true for us. 100% this will be the only party we host for most of these people invited. Because of that I guess that's why I don't mind the "obligation" family invites that much.

    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Champion November 2054
    Jacks ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Oh wow, yeah no. You don't ask guests to fund the wedding. At that point your cousin wasn't even hosting it, the guests were. That's terribly rude on their part.

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Savvy May 2022
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    FH’a family had some longtime family friends they wanted to have at the wedding. FH told his parents they can pay for their personal guests/friends and that’s what we’re doing.
    • Reply

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