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Savvy September 2023

Incorporating my fiancé’s 2 step-sisters (10 & 11)

Sophia, on August 16, 2022 at 9:13 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 21
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I wasn’t planning on involving my fiancé’s 2 young step-sisters (10 and 11 yrs) other than them being invited, but this weekend When talking to my future step-MIL I made the mistake of saying “well I’ll have my 2 sisters, my 1 SIL, and best friend” and she quickly said “you have THREE SIL, just saying…Not sure how you were thinking of involving them but they really love you & are really excited.”
So yeah, no pressure or anything 😂
I love the girls & have a good relationship with my future FIL & future step-MIL But I really don’t want her or the girls in the room with me getting ready (I’m much closer to my fiancé’s mom than step-mom, so don’t want the step-mom more involved than my blood FMIL, either - & having them both in there is NOT an option).
I also don’t really want the girls standing at the alter either as my fiancé & I want it to just be his 4 & my 4 (planning a small wedding no bigger than 75 including the wedding party).I worry that if I make them junior bridesmaids, their parents will push to get them in the room w the wedding party beforehand & to stand up there with us (which honestly I don’t think the girls will enjoy standing up there for 15-30 minutes). But aren’t they too old to be flower girls? How do I involve them enough to avoid hurt feelings but also not have 2 kids & their mom in my hair?

21 Comments

Latest activity by Rosalie, on December 3, 2022 at 4:41 PM
  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    Set boundaries now.


    Maybe privately give them each a flower before the ceremony, acknowledge the 3 sisters in law in a toast. Don't let anyone railroad you
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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    I don't really get the whole honorary bridesmaid, like "hey you're included but you don't actually get to do anything" Smiley xd I would maybe give them a little card the day of or before the wedding on how excited you are to be their sister, etc. to make them feel loved!

    I don't think they're too old to be flower girls but don't put them in the wedding if you don't want them to be! They could also just walk down the aisle together, much like your parents and grandparents would.

    I'd tell your FMIL now that you would like your getting ready suite to be adults only, don't let her push you or it won't stop there lol.

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  • S
    Savvy September 2023
    Sophia ·
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    Right?? Lol like what else would a junior bridesmaid do except stand up there & be in the room with you getting ready? Could definitely see THAT convo being awkward down the line “you’re involved but not really” ?? 😂 ouch
    I’m all for them being at the wedding shower and the day itself. They are old enough to enjoy it and are genuinely good kids so I’m not worried about them. I just want to feel pampered and giddy with excitement before I walk down the aisle, and because of that don’t want too many people in the room beforehand!

    I don’t mind if they are flower girls other than worrying they are at a weird age for it. I am probably overthinking it, but is it rude to ask family that age to be flower girls? Like is that degrading for their age?
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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    I don't think it's rude, but you should ask the girls and see what they think! They may not be interested in doing it at all, but if they're super excited I would definitely do that.

    My closest friend got married last June, and her now husband has (at the time) two daughters; 10 and 12 (or 13??) who were the flower girls. So it's definitely not unheard of!

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  • S
    Savvy September 2023
    Sophia ·
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    “Don’t let anyone railroad you” is a good mantra to keep for myself in life and wedding planning! Haha
    If they are excited by the idea of being flower girls, I’m fine with that.
    My other option would be my future niece who honestly might be too young (currently 1.5) and both parents will be in the wedding party so that might be more work than it’s worth anyway! But if the 2 older girls want to be flower girls, so long as I’m able to put my foot down about keeping my getting-ready-space adults only, then I’m happy.
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  • S
    Savvy September 2023
    Sophia ·
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    You know, that’s true. If I make it special to ask them to be flower girls and they don’t want to, that’s up to them. But the biggest thing is making sure they know I love them and want them there. Because I do, even when it may sound like I don’t 😂 if that makes sense haha
    I’m more than happy to involve them in a way that doesn’t compromise me feeling calm at the wedding. I can even make a moment of showing them the dress when everyone is lining up to go down the aisle.
    Thank you for the advice!! Very helpful to hear from someone who’s seen older flower girls work out!
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  • Brittany
    Devoted October 2022
    Brittany ·
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    I don't think they are too old to be flower girls. On the other hand if you don't want that, you can always just tell their mom that you want an adults-only wedding party. Agreed that getting them a card or having a special moment with them before the ceremony or during a toast would be a nice touch.

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  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
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    Congrats on your engagement! I see from your other post you are still deciding whether to do a big wedding or elope. I'd nail those details down before the bridal party. Once you decide on the details of the wedding I would have your FH chose the role he wants his step sisters to play in the it and have him deal with talking the step mom. I remember being 10 and my aunt was getting married I was so excited I d never been to a wedding a before his sisters are probably super excited just to go to the wedding, its the parents that usually have expectations. Good luck!

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  • Jasmine S.
    VIP May 2022
    Jasmine S. ·
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    That's a good age to be a junior bridesmaid. Could they wear a similar color to be in the photos, but then sit down for the actual ceremony? But I agree that you should only do what YOU want, not letting your step-MIL bully you into it. You can also talk to your fiancé and see if he wants to include them on his side instead (sides don't have to be all one gender). They are his stepsisters, so this shouldn't just be on you to figure out.
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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    You could have them pass out programs if you still feel weird about not including them in some way. We had some friends do this for us. They don’t join in the getting ready room.


    I agree with Rosebud. It’s usually the parents/grandparents that have expectations about kids being in weddings. The kids themselves don’t really care and are just happy to be there. My MIL tried to push us to make my husband’s 1-year-old niece a flower girl (yes, still a baby at the time!). We had already decided early on there was no one age appropriate for either flower girl or ring bearer and stuck to our guns. His sister and husband never even asked us themselves and I don’t think they even expected us to ask - it was mainly my MIL pushing the point. There’s something about grandchildren that make quite a few MILs (and moms) get…ummm…obsessive? 😂
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  • Lydia
    Devoted December 2022
    Lydia ·
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    Our flower girl will turn 10 a couple weeks before our ceremony. I don't think 10 or 11 is too old, but it does depend on the kids. Ours is thrilled to wear and huge fluffy dress, and I've known her practically her entire life, and there's no one else I'd want as a flower girl.
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  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
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    I also agree that talking to the two girls would be the best idea. It is completely normal to have older kids as flower girls so that is one option that does not involve them standing up with you or getting ready with you. I was a flower girl when I was 9 for my uncle's wedding and all I did was show up early to get in line with the bridal party. You can draw a line and say the getting ready events are adult only if their mother starts pushing for you to include them.



    If the girls are not interested in being in the ceremony, you could still do a special photo with ALL of your sisters at some point and include them in that.
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  • Eula
    Savvy June 2022
    Eula ·
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    Agreed haha

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  • Gabby R
    Savvy September 2022
    Gabby R ·
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    What about getting them a special gift? They are at the age where they might feel special if you get them "adult" jewelry and maybe you can make it similar in style to what you will be wearing so that they feel extra special and close to you. It doesn't have to be jewelry either. They can get corsages or maybe a hair bow that matches the ribbon in your bouquets. Just a little detail that makes them feel thought of and included.

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  • S
    Savvy September 2023
    Sophia ·
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    Awesome, thank you for the insight! My FH had originally said he thinks they are good ages for flower girls, and I guess my sister’s FG was around 8. It’s helpful to hear from people who had slightly older flower girls!
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  • S
    Savvy September 2023
    Sophia ·
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    Love the idea of them having a bow or ribbon that matches ribbons on the bouquets!
    They love necklaces too so I think they’d be really excited to get a pretty flower necklace if they are flower girls.
    I was also thinking of doing something cute for asking my bridesmaids, so I could do something fun for the girls if I want them to be flower girls.
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  • S
    Savvy September 2023
    Sophia ·
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    Awesome feedback, thank you! Hearing so many people say it’s normal to have flower girls a bit older is such a relief, because it’s really the ideal way to involve them just the right amount. And like you said, drawing the line of the getting ready space truly being adult-only so I feel like I have privacy sounds really nice.

    Awww love the idea of a photo with all my current and new sisters 😊 That’s so sweet!
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  • C
    Savvy October 2023
    Courtney ·
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    One of my flower girls is going to be 2 months shy of 10 when we get married. I also will have a basically 13-year-old jr bridesmaid. I'm going to have her walk my grandma down the isle!

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Set boundaries now because this behavior will not stop after the wedding.


    If you have no plans to give them a role, then stand your ground. Flower girls are usually 9 max. Not everyone is comfortable with a role and they should not be given something just as a busywork if they prefer to be guests. Not everyone views roles as fun or an honor. Let them be guests and be firm with the in the laws that you have made your decision.
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  • Lydia
    Devoted December 2022
    Lydia ·
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    So our flower girl will turn 11 right before our wedding - she turned 10 right before our original date. She's thrilled to be our flower girl, and I know she'll enjoy and remember the experience more. We're going shopping together to get her a big princess dress later this week. Traditionally, have flower girls been a little younger? Yeah. But honestly I think flower girl sounds like the appropriate level of involvement.
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