Including Guest Attire in Save the Dates?

View Quoted Comment This is such a good point.
In all this wedding planning, I’ve realized that for most people, this is literally the only big event they will plan. And many people will only go to a couple weddings in their lifetime. Often separated by decades! The last wedding I was in was 1987, I was 18. I have gone to a few in between, and they’ve all been really different.
I am getting caught up in the nitty gritty as much as the next person (I really want engraved Crane stationary LOL) but I’m trying to remind myself that out guests will be people we love, so if I mess up and do something wrong in the eyes of etiquette, unless I am being a jerk, they probably won’t even notice. And I also have to remember that this one guy is going to wear his baseball cap, I can’t stop him, and no one is going to think I’m tacky if he does.

You gave your guests 2 colors that not everyone can find or look good in, and a year's prep doesn't mean they won't shop last minute. Your loved ones may tell you fine now, but be prepared for lots of excuses in the year. They may even call you unreasonable or worse.

View Quoted Comment It’s very true. If you ask the average person out there about even half of the “etiquette” that gets tossed around on this app, they likely won’t know (or care). But brides read loads of articles online about weddings and become the only “etiquette gurus” at their weddings. Lol! As you said, unless it’s blatantly rude or disrespectful, family and friends are going to be fine with it. But, perhaps it’s because I’m really not surrounded by closed-minded, “stick in the mud” individuals.


I laugh because everyone is so supportive of couples creating the unique, personal and individualized wedding that they want. Yet, they’ll turn around and slam a couple for making a personal choice to add a simple statement about attire on their save the dates?? That makes no sense to me. Lol. Brides freak out over a couple wanting to suggest a certain type of attire (not a specific outfit). Yet the same brides loses their mind if the bridesmaids don’t want to wear all the same dress, shoes, hairstyles, nail polish, necklace, etc.
So, ultimately, people pick and choose which “etiquette” pieces they want to follow and what “etiquette” they choose to ignore. It’s totally fine!

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YES! I've seen so many of these same individuals responding to posts stating "well it's a know your crowd thing..." Then you state your crowd wouldn't mind there being a dress code listed on an invite and then pull the "well that doesn't follow “etiquette”....."

Honestly I've come to the conclusion that nobody's advice is going to be 100% great lol and I happen to be one bride who plans on listing a dress code in fine print on my invites and I'm okay with that.

View Quoted Comment Fun!!! And, as you said, it’s not mandatory and you know your guests. I love attending events with themes or specific colors. It makes for such a fun buzz!!

View Quoted Comment I completely and totally have to tell my brother to wear a suit. His wife will too, we have to tag team him. He’ll grumble. The look sharp and ready to walk me down the aisle. He’s just a (lovable) curmudgeon.
Should I have to? No. But he’s who he is.

View Quoted Comment It cracks me up!!! Especially the ones who become so emotionally upset over someone else’s wedding (that they’re not even attending)!!!! 🤣😂 But like my granny always said, “Don’t try and make sense out of nonsense” Lol!!!

I think you should wait on sending Save the Dates if your wedding is still Summer 2023. Your guests may lose the card & details or forget the date entirely (& then tell you they forgot making you feel disheartened). Also, I second the others' recommendation about reading up on black tie. There are soooo many rules. Not that it's not fun, but there are lots of ways to have fun. My FH and I are having a black tie vibe, but he doesn't want to ask his male guests who don't already own, to rent a tux. So we're keeping it "optional". He puts me out finding an affordable band, but when it comes to guests . . . anyway, ask your partner how he/she/they feel about evening, formality, plated dinners, classic invites, no kids, more money, etc. Good luck!

By the way, I really like your choice of pink lipstick in your photo. I have not been able to find a shade for tan skin except for hot pink.

View Quoted Comment Amen to the "so many rules". Black tie is a pain! Even wealthy people often skip it because it's just very strict for hosts and guests

I am planning to have mine as black tie optional so very formal but you don’t need a tux or gown. I genuinely just plan to put “Black Tie Optional Attire” right on the invite.

I was reading the new responses to this and had another thought.

Whether it's etiquette or not to note a dress code, you can't force anyone to dress to the code, which is why I kind of don't get the outrage over it. Let's face it. Most people know how to dress appropriately for a wedding. You're really putting the code there for the lowest common denominator, so that their wife/husband/child/aunt has leverage to say, 'you absolutely CANNOT turn up to Jack and Diane's wedding in those cargo shorts you love so much/that see-through dress. Didn't you see the dress code on the invitation? I'm buying you some chinos/something that is opaque.' Or whatever. And even then - there probably will be someone in an outrageously inappropriate outfit who couldn't be corralled by the family or friends - there always is, and it tends to become a way for guests who don't know each other to strike up a conversation together!

Everyone has covered the differences between asking for formal vs. black tie attire and how and when to do so. But I didn't see anyone mention what to include on save the dates (which is the title of your post). I don't think there would be any benefit to including your dress code on your save the dates. Most people wouldn't even notice that, or they will forget, or they will just put the date in their calendar and toss the card. They also aren't going to buy their wedding outfit a year in advance, so it's simply irrelevant information.

Save any details other than who, when, and where for your invitations, details card, and website. I also wouldn't send save the dates until under a year before the wedding date.

No because it’s considered improper to list dress code on the invite unless the venue requires it for entry. The information is spread by word of mouth or on the website

A black tie event is the only one that is mentioned on an invitation. All you do is add the words "Black Tie" at the bottom. No "requested" "required" "optional" "suggested" etc.

I'm curious, though. What will you do if some guests show up not dressed in a tux/gown?

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That lowest common denominator thing is why we will have a dress code suggestion on our website whether it's considered "proper" or not. We're getting married at a wedding barn so it's not easy for someone to look at the venue and know that we're planning something where jeans would be too informal.

We went to a funeral for FH's side and I dressed us per my family's funeral attire rules (dress pants, button up & blouse, dress shoes, etc.) and everyone else was in jeans and sweatshirts.

I love these people, but I can't expect that they would know otherwise to dress up a little nicer than they normally would. If they show up in jeans, so be it, won't ruin my day, but I'll include it for the people who would like to know and choose to follow.

View Quoted Comment We’re getting married at similar venues - mine is also partially outdoor and very rustic. I’m curious what wording you used for the dress code recommendation? Obviously normal attire would be underdressing but black tie would be way overdressing. I like giving guests an idea what to expect, personally I think it’s helpful regardless of “etiquette” rules.

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Honestly, I'm not sure just yet. I've scoured the internet to find the "correct" wording and apparently it's casual... but I know my crowd would take that to mean normal whatever. I'm considering saying cocktail attire even though it could be a little overdressed. I wish there was a good way to get across that we're looking for like what you'd wear to church on Sunday or something lol. Like no one needs to show up in full on suits, but khakis would be nice!

View Quoted Comment Haha yes. I was having the same problem defining what type of attire would be appropriate

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Could you maybe put "dressy casual"? I agree that it's difficult finding the correct term for each theme!

View Quoted Comment That sounds perfect! Great thinking!