I'm scared of having children. Should I talk to my husband about this?

Continued......

So I never found a true friend until one day I got tired and decided not to have friends anymore. My mom became my only friend until I met my husband and I found a true friend and someone I could trust for life. He was always there for me and never turn his back on me. And now I'm scared of being replaced by our future children and that he will prefer them. I know it's pathetic because it's a blessing to have kids but as long as we all get along and there are no preferences in our family. Please give me an advice. I love my husband to death!!!! He's the most important thing in my life right now and the best thing I've ever had. Should I talk to him about this? I don't want to feel this fear of loosing the man I love. I've heard people say: "I'm only with him/her because of our children". That's horrible. I don't want this in my life. And if I have kids, I want them to be good and not brats.

Yeah, something you should have discussed before you got married, IMO. It sounds like you have some insecurity issues if you are concerned about losing your husbands affection to future children… maybe you should talk to someone...

But yes… talk to him. ASAP.

I agree that this is something that you should DEFINITELY talk to him about, but maybe also a professional counselor or therapist. This sounds more like abandonment issues than insecurity on your part, and I definitely think you need to resolve this before you even start trying for kids.

PS-- and just because he wants a girl, that doesn't mean that is what he'll actually get Most men seem to want a girl, but when they get a boy, man oh man are they happy! Also, take heart: you had a good relationship with your mom, wouldn't it be nice to have that kind of friendship with your own daughter?

I agree with Mrs. D. I don't have children yet, but they are not an equivalent to high school friends. Try talking to someone about this insecurity, and definitely talk to your husband! Good luck Elissa...

No, don't talk to your husband. That would be silly!

Can you sense the sarcasm? Don't be ridiculous and plain stupid of course you should talk to him, you married him after all. Talk to him and a professional because you seem to think a child is like a high school friendship. And if you think so little of your relationship that it would be weakened by children I would be looking into why you are so insecure within that relationship

You do realize that you will also change, right?

It is not uncommon that one parent feels they are not getting enough attention when children come along as children need attention and the attention becomes divided. I agree with the recommendations to talk to your husband and a professional. It is great you have some insight into these potential issues.

I agree with what the other ladies are saying. good luck

OF COURSE you should talk to your husband about your fears!!

A small part of why I never want children is because I'm afraid H and I won't have any time for ourselves anymore. Even though it's not the only reason why I don't want to be a mom, I think the fact that there's that bit of selfishness in me shows that I wouldn't be ready to have kids (even if I wanted them).

Yes, talk to your husband. I feel a counsellor would also be an asset for you.

I could be wrong, but it seems like you have an almost unhealthy attachment to your husband. When one person is the center of your entire universe, it isn't healthy. Having love for other people isn't a bad thing.

Please do not have children while in the mindset you are in.

If I were your husband and I was dead set on having children, I would be really disgusted that you chose to have this conversation after you were married.

For some, not wanting children is a deal breaker.

Maybe your feelings will change in the next year or two. It sounds like you have more issues with yourself than you do with the idea of having a child.

Your kid(s) will only be as much of a brat as you raise them to be. My son is 9 and is literally a mini-me personality-wise. Any of my friends who normally don't like kids, LOVE my son. It's all about how YOU raise your kid. I teach my son to be fair and to be respecful. I also teach him to be mindful of others that may have issues not having friend or people not being friendly to him. I encourage him to reach out to people that are shy in situations so thy feel welcomele. I help grow my son's heart as well his body. He is a great kid (even though he can annoy the shit outta me at times, but that's just being a kid).

And yes, you should bring this up ASAP and it should have been discussed prior to marrying.

When I had a kid when I was 21, I had NO idea what I was getting into. Parenting is instinctual. No one knows what they're doing. You'look be fine. :-)

This is def. something you should have talked with your now husband about when you were considering marriage. Also it sounds like you might have some self esteem and insecurity issues. maybe check out what they call a PEP class in your area-- they are encouraging classes as well as offer some parenting courses which I would highly suggest before getting behind the wheel and starting the baby making process.

Lastly to address the brat vs not a brat issue. Watch people parents and you will see that every kid can be a brat here and there but the ones who are consistent in doing this or throwing the tantrums are the ones with parents who are weak in parenting and have given into the kids demands once so they will always push for their way. Parenting classes help with understanding your childs behavior ... go through the process of A- antecedent ( what happened before the behavior occurred B- behavior- what exact behavior occurred C- consequence, what did you do in result of such behavior

I too feel like this is something you should have talked to him about long before you got married. Something as serious as children is often a deal breaker.

I also think (by what you have said) that you have an unhealthy attachment with your husband because you don't have any other friends. I suggest that you try and socialize and bring other people into your life.

I had that same issue in high school exactly like you. It continued until I was 21, I never wanted to go out and just wanted to spend time with FH. One day I realized that the attachment I felt toward him was unhealthy and I needed other friends. I have an amazing girlfriend who night as well be my sister and I put my full faith and trust in her.

Sometimes you just have to go out on a limb, trust me I pays off

I don't want to sound rude, but I think you have some deep seeded issues if you are concerned that your husband wants a female child. I get the part about you feeling like the spark might run out when you have kids, but to seriously be worried about the gender of your child because of issues you've had in the past is extremely strange.

Yes, definitely talk to your husband about this. How old are you? Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, so good for you for realizing or thinking about this before getting pregnant. Don't feel that you need to have a child to satisfy your husband or other people's expectations. I wanted to have a child and was in my 30's by the time I did, but man, once the baby came, it was overwhelming & life-changing, and I wondered what I'd gotten into. Having a baby is physically exhausting and mentally and financially taxing. You definitely do not sound ready to have a child. If you're having flashbacks to high school and feeling dissed by friends, there must be some other issues that need to be resolved.

You do not sound like you are in appropriate place in life, maturity wise/self esteem wise/relationship wise, to have children, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. It's totally okay to be selfish and recognize that you don't want to devote the time and energy into having kids right now. But there are much deeper issues that you need to deal with. Thinking that you will "lose" your husband to your kids and that he will prefer them to you is just strange. Having kids should be a happy joint decision, and not a sacrifice. Obviously your husband will have an entirely differently relationship with his children as he would with you, his wife - that doesn't mean you are losing him. Clearly, your relationship with him would change after kids, but it sounds like you have an unhealthy attachment to him and some major self esteem issues.

This is definitely something that should have been discussed before your wedding, especially if you already knew that your husband wanted kids down the line. You need to bring this up to him NOW. Honestly, if this is something that was previously touched on before your wedding and you didn't mention it to him at that point, you need to be prepared for him to be angry (I don't know your husband, but generally speaking, I would be super pissed if this was sprung on me after marriage when I thought I was already on the same page as my spouse)

I would defiantly not have any kids right now because you are far from ready for that. Once you have kids your life changes and your husband will no longer be your number 1 he will fall into 2nd place because nothing replaces a child. Just like you will be 2nd place to him that's normal, kids change a persons life and you love your kids more than your own parents. I think you guys need a lot more time together before kids.

I think you've gotten some pretty sound responses here.

Talk to your husband, and talk to a professional.

How did this never come up before getting married? I'm terrified of most kids and try to stay away from them when possible and that came up within 2 months of dating when I met my FH's bestfriend's daughter (they are now one of our two bestmen and FGs lol) and I locked myself in his room for an hour to "take a nap". I finally had to confess that I had an anxiety attack due to lack of sleep (I worked nights so I had been up for 24 hours) and being uncomfortable around children. He told me we would work on it together because he really wanted a kid, but he knew I was his future. I actually really like Asian kids so I'm up for having one, it's just I'd rather adopt than HAVE one, but I'm sure I'll get over that. We are ready to see a professional if, when the time comes, I do get PPD or if anything happens during the pregnancy. My FH has been nothing but supportive, but he knew what he was getting into. I really think it's terrible that you kept something so serious from your DH, because it IS serious for some people, but I think if you talk with him and talk with a professional, it could really help you. Maybe kids are just not for you because you do seem to have some other issues with yourself, but you won't know until you see someone about it.