i told the Bride i will not be attending her wedding or be her Bridesmaid..

Yikes! I can't imagine what happened to cause you to do something so drastic. I feel like I need more information to know what advice to give you.

If you truly don't intend to attend the wedding, then cancel your hotel and update your RSVP on their website. If you also don't intend to go to any of the pre-wedding events, then RSVP no to those if/when you receive an invitation for them (or update your RSVP if you've already replied).

I'm a little confused though - if she replied to your text about not attending, would that change your decision to not attend? I don't understand how her not replying means you can't cancel your hotel, unless you were hoping that she'd resolve whatever issue caused you to not want to attend? If there's any chance that you'll change your mind and attend the wedding, then maybe don't cancel the hotel for now.

If you do not plan to attend the pre-wedding events and you have already RSVP'ed online that you will be attending them, then yes, I would update your RSVP to "not attending". Many people use those counts to plan everything, so it would be helpful for her (or whoever is hosting) to have an accurate RSVP count.

And yes, I would cancel your hotel stay if you are definitely not attending the wedding.

Whether you should cancel everything depends on whether you think that there’s any chance at all that you will change your mind or might resolve things by the time of the wedding. There's really not enough information here to go on.

That said, if you haven’t received a response and are hoping you won’t, I’m assuming you wrote, but never actually talked to her about this. I’d typically conclude that means the friendship is over from your perspective, but that’s not really clear since you’re also asking about attending pre-wedding events. If this is strictly about a conflict or financial issue you really need to speak to her yourself asap, IMO.

Either way, if you’re sure, you’ll need to update the RSVPs. Again, is there any friendship remaining? Why do you need or want to back out? If there is no longer a relationship you’d of course send regrets to all other events. If this is due to finances or an unfortunate conflict and your best friend is still your friend, of course you are free to go to the other events. If she’s very upset or angry with you over any of this you’d have to evaluate and address those issues first.

On another note, I don’t know what you meant by saying she “benefited” from your engagement/shower gift. Gifts are supposed to be given out of sentiment, not transactional. This also implies the relationship is over, but again, more details are needed.

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I figured someone would eventually ask!

To not launch into the longest story ever - she's manipulative and narcissistic. I know this because I've talked to my Mom and husband at LENGTHS to figure out if I was just being dramatic or if she truly is this. She uses "I'm just brutally honest" as a blanket statement for being completely disrespectful and rude. Manages to make everything about her, somehow. In some cases I've actually been impressed with how ability to do this. But, ultimately, it's come down to this:

My husband and I got married last year in September. Leading up to it, she came over to our apartment on numerous occasions and would be insulting. Saying she's "not attracted" to my husband out of the blue, that I would look silly a certain way, that she would never do something like that for her wedding, etc. It grew exhausting. And this is supposed to be exciting to tell your best friend. She's been the source of my anxiety for about 3 years too. Every time we are together, I have felt put down, disrespected, and felt like I can never just talk and have it be about me for a second. She's even told me that I "talk too much about myself" to which she even texted a week ago saying things felt distant. It's because I share NOTHING I have going on anymore in fear that a) she'll turn it back to her and b) say I'm talking about myself too much. It's so weird and backwards.

At our rehearsal dinner she sat across the Best Man / Groom's Childhood Best Friend AND Brother. She complained about her food and venue (my MIL planned all of it and put it together), disrespected my own Mom, and talked poorly about my husband and I (questioned how I was a good person, said she didn't like Eric, etc).

The day of our wedding, she showed up late and hid up in the Bridal Suite until set-up was complete. Openly complained about the food and drinks my Mom supplied all of us + s/o's who wanted to get ready in the suites to make it inclusive. Again, didn't help with my dress, or any of the things that bridesmaids help the bride out with. Was rude to our vendors & delayed hair so I had to rush to get dressed, wasn't able to give gifts, no group getting-ready photos, and no one to walk with me down to my first look because no one else was ready because of her delaying it. It made everyone have to rush. We were short on time for family photos to which she was nowhere to be found on the property with her boyfriend. Talked poorly about the wedding ITSELF which my sisters overheard and then (I was sent a video) when my husband spontaneously did a dance to "Pony" with me, she covered her face in the video and wouldn't even look at us being silly because she was too busy acting disgusted. No one else in the video was acting the way she was. It made me feel bad about myself and the fun we were having the next day.

We talked about it at one point (alcohol involved and inappropriately in front of her Mom (which I apologized for)) but it's something I really can't get past. Who says they're your best friend but makes you feel so bad about yourself every interaction we have / during the wedding festivities.

And she makes things worse by making me feel bad about having a busy summer. My husband is a Police Officer and I also care for my 30-year-old disabled brother. Nothing about my life is normal yet I'm told "it doesn't seem like our time together is being prioritized." It's not. It's that simple. I'm not going to prioritize someone who makes me feel worse.

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Thank you! I guess I was asking for my own peace of mind. Sorry of it was confusing.

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I get why what I wrote is confusing - HA. I didn't word it well / include enough context. I guess I was asking because I've never done this before - ending a friendship - and it just happens to be influencing a wedding too. So I didn't know if it was appropriate to just update everything. I have no intentions to be friends anymore. I'm done, done. If she has something else to say, it's for her own gain, but I have no intentions to attend, support, or continue our friendship.

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Well then, you have your answer. You're ending the friendship. If you've already received a wedding invitation and replied that you'll be attending, then update the RSVP to no as a courtesy for her record keeping purposes. I doubt you'll be invited to any pre-wedding events, but if you are, you'd send regrets to those, too.

I don't see anything to salvage here either, honestly. You shouldn't never tolerate being spoken to and treated that way by anyone, history or no history. The one and only thing I don't fault her for is not setting up at your wedding since that wasn't her responsibility. But from what you say I'd have been out of this friendship long ago.

View Quoted Comment That makes sense. Since you are removing yourself from the friendship, you should update your RSVP to everything (both the wedding and any pre-wedding events) and cancel the hotel. There's not much of a point to hold on to the hotel if there's no chance of you attending the wedding, and giving them an RSVP (even if it's a "not attending" reply) would help them plan their event accordingly.

I’m still confused why you’ve apparently changed your mind about attending her wedding when this all stems from her behavior 10 months ago, but in that case it’s probably even more important to update your RSVPs because if you’ve been staying involved in/acting excited about her wedding this whole time when her problematic behavior was during your wedding last year, it may be confusing to her why you’ve had the sudden change of heart. None of that excuses her behavior and changes the fact that it sounds like you’re justified in ending this friendship, just that it might seem a bit sudden and confusing to her. A clean break and clarifying your RSVPs sounds like it’s best for both of you.