I think I have to fire one of my bridesmaids...

(cont.) A few weeks ago, her husband lost his job and she is a stay at home mom. (My MOH also lost her job the same week) When this happened, I asked if she still wanted to be in the wedding since she lost her income. I also obviously asked because she hasnt shown up to anything. I told her I was fine if she needed to bow out and I would not be offended. I also told her that I wanted her to save her money for her family, not on my wedding. (forgot to mention my wedding is destination, in Vegas) But she insisted that she still really wanted to be a BM. So, we bought her dress for her the week before last. But after her not showing up today, I think I am going to have to have this convo with her again. I know if I ask the same way as I did before, she is just going to say she still wants to. But th other thing is that my wedding is 3 weeks away and she still hasnt booked her hotel or flight even! So anyway, I think I just have to fire her. I really dont want it to be a week (cont again)

(cont) before the wedding or something and have her bow out because she cant get a flight or hotel. ( there is a fight in vegas that weekend so everything is booking up fast) I Am definitely going totalk to her, I just dont know how to go about it! I really dont want to hurt her feelings, so what is the best way to word it? Any advice would be great

Ps. i guess I should also mention that I have paid for everything for them up to this point and am also paying for their hair and makeup. The only thing I am not covering is their airfare and hotel. And I am extremely tight on money right now, so I can not help her out.

Just tell her. Its your day and you dont need anymore stress than you already have.

This is hard, has she given you any excuse for why she isn't showing up? Does she live far away? I would ask her frankly, are you coming and do you have the funds? If she doesn't, she doesnt. No way someone with no sorce of income is going to magically get the money for a flight and hotel in vegas in 3 weeks so if she doesn't have it now she isn't going to.

I really have no idea whats going on. I think she is just really spacey and flaky even though in all the years I have known her, she never has been. She lives down the street from me. I typically pick her up, but there has been twice that I have gone to pock her up for something and shes not home. :/ As I was saying, she does have 4 children, but I always plan things around what works best for her and everytime she says that she can be there, she just doesnt show. So, I think she forgets? Even now, she left me a message on FB for my birthday but didnt mention anything about the shower, even though she SHOULD remember it was scheduled on my birthday. (she got an invite and we talked about it several times)

She claims she can do it (funds wise). So, Im afriad if I ask her again instead of just firing her then she will just say that she can do it.

My one rule of thumb..."go with your first mind". Being go with your gut. She is clearly displaying a lack of involvement and is not going to participate.

I think you know what you need to do and just need someone to tell you its okay. Its okay. You dont need to stress over anything else, especially on someone who refuses to uphold their obligation to you. You have done what you can and I thinkshe just doesnt want to come out and admit she can't do it. I would just remove her and move on. Enjoy your wedding with those who have made the effort to be involved.

Yeah, I definitely know I have to do it. But like I said, Im just not sure how to go about it with the least amount of emotional damage. Despite the fact that this has definitely put a strain on our friendship, she is still my oldest friend and I wouldnt ever want to hurt her feelings (even though she has hurt mine once or twice in this process). She is the sweetest girl I know, so, its not like I see her being malicious or anything after the fact. But I do see her getting really hurt no matter the scenario (minus her stepping down on her own accord, which I am not confident of).

I'm not following your logic hon. You want to fire your friend of 15 plus years who has 5 kids and a laid off husband because she didn't come to a couple of dress appointments & didn't acknowledge your shower? I think it's pretty ickey. I'd consider her a fab friend if she can juggle all of that and still manage to come for a few of the festivities and remembered your B-day.

Its more of a thing that I am afraid that if I dont cut her now, then Im afraid that these next 3 weeks are going to sneak up on her and she'll end up not coming. That or she'll feel too guilty to drop out and will come anyway which could very well put her in a financial bind.

I completely understand that she has kids and is busy and things come up. But her reasons for not showing up have not really been related to that at all. Its mostly that she forgets, or she makes other plans after making plans with me, or she ends up going out and doing other things right before her plans with me and they hold her up. So, with that, it rwally comes down to an issue of friendship more than a BM issue. Personally, when I make plans with my friends, I keep my plans. If I cant make it, then I let them know (which she doesnt). And she does this with plans just between the two of us as well. So, it comes down to an issue of trust. I really dont feel like I can rely on her right now and I'm scared

That she'll end up being extemely late to get her hair and makeup done on the day, and at this point I have no real reason to assume otherwise. I always give her the benefit of the doubt, but at some point you have to look at the statistics and calculate the odds.

And again, I do care about her and do not want her spending her money on my wedding if her family needs it.

Go with your gut. She do have a lot on her plate and I don't think she knows how to come to you and say that she needs to back out because of x, y, and z. I believe that you can save your friendship with her by just telling her.

It sucks that she has flaked on things but IMO those are a lot of "events" anyway. One of my BMs skipped my b-party with no legit reason. Sure it hurt my feelings but when I "hired" her I knew her issues and it was not a surprise. I cannot believe your friend's behavior is a TRUE shock to you or COMPLETELY out of the blue and if it is, doesn't that mean she has something going on in her life? 4 kids and a husband out of work would make me pretty flaky too.

Your friend has her dress and is planning to attend your wedding. You shouldn't presume to know more about her intentions and her finances than she does. If she says she wants to come, believe her. If she can't make it after saying she will, that's on her conscience.

If you don't care about ending this 15-year friendship, then fire her. But it's crazytown to think there's any kind or non-hurtful way to do it. I'm with Marie, this feels icky to me.

My advice is to not fire her. If she can't afford the hotel and airfare, she will come to you and bow out and you can tell her that you understand and that you wish that she could be there. Talk to her, like you planned, and ask casually if she's booked her flight or hotel yet. If/when she says that she hasn't, act surprised and tell her in a concerned voice that she should get on that because of the fight scheduled that night and a lack of available hotel rooms.

She may use the opportunity to bow out gracefully instead and then you won't look like a bad person for "firing" her. How their money is spent is up to her and her husband, so don't worry if this puts them in a financial bind if that's what they want to do.

Also, brides tend to get hypersensitive as their wedding day appoaches. I'm not saying that you are, but really try to look at your friendship and think about whether you'd be okay with upsetting her and never being friends again.

First, you can't fire someone you didn't hire.

When you found out her family currently has NO income, did you sit down and have a conversation about money with her?

Where is the money for airfare and hotel supposed to come from? Her savings? You? Are you paying for hair and makeup?

What would YOU do if you were in her position. You can "fire" her all you want but the friendship would suffer.

I'm with Marie and Kris on this one.

In my personal opinion a bridesmaid's "job" is to buy the dress and stand before the bride on her wedding day. If a bridesmaid decides to help the bride with other wedding-related activities/events then great, but it's by no means an obligation. Save your friendship.

Honey you not gonna get too much sympathy from a lot of people when it comes to what a bridesmaids "job" although there are plenty of pages that specifically detail it. Here's the thing I lost a bridesmaid due to some similar circumstances who was also my oldest friend but she bowed up because of finances and when I asked her to still help me she said she would and she is one of my oldest friend. But when it came down to asking her to become an usher she just flat out said no I just want to be a guest which shell shocked me. Like seriously I need your help and you won't do it. I let it go and you need to too. If she comes she comes if she don't oh well don't stress yourself. It's your day and it will work out. You can still be friends but weddings will surely show you who people really are REMEMBER THAT

See, I disagree that weddings show you who people really are. I think that's a lot of pressure to put on a friendship for a party.

IMO weddings only show you:

A. how well you communicate your expectations

B. whether or not your expectations are realistic

C. who people are at that given moment. We all have different loads to carry at different times in our lives. If someone depended on me 6 months ago for something, I might have disappointed them b/c I had too much going on and wasn't feeling well, even though I didn't broadcast it. Whereas right now, I'm getting back to normal. Life is constantly happening to everyone, and the loads people carry don't always correspond in this pretty perfect way to make them "perfect" BMs when in fact they might be wonderful life-long friends.

There are friends who ALWAYS let you down but if you pick someone like that as a BM and they let you down, the only difference is usually that it's finally bugging you.

I have a bridesmaid too that has not made it to one bridesmaid meeting, get together, tea party etc save for one time where we went dress shopping. Some people in my situation would take it as she was not involved and would 'let me down' on my wedding day. You are probably feeling the same way.

But one thing to remember is, life doesn't get put on hold just because you're having a wedding. For a bride, even the most normally chill bride, weddings have a way of sneaking into every aspect of your life sometimes, it feels like the world revolves around linens and cakes and veils, that the people you've chosen for your bridal party is the team you've assembled to tackle this big production with, and that nothing else could possibly be going on in any of their lives except for their duties in your wedding.

Its easy to get carried away and think of them as bad friends who don't care about how selfish they're being when you need them for your day, but in reality you need to look at what kind of friend YOU are being to HER. She has 4 kids, a husband who has just lost a job. Her life is very uncertain right now. You say shes a nice person, well she is probably feeling bad not just about her situation but also that she feels she is letting you down. Have you asked her how she is feeling? Have you been there as a friend for her during these rough times? I would sit her down and instead of 'firing' her, I would see if SHE needs anything from you. See if she needs someone to talk to, because her world is still turning outside of wedding planning, and she may need a friend.

One of my bridesmaids is notoriously late. I'm not talking, 10-15 minutes late, I'm talking HOURS late. However she is one of the most wonderful people and best friends I know. I don't plan on her coming to any of the functions, or arriving on time. I know her personality. It will be a pain in the butt because I am an early person. But we both know that.

I think expectations for BP to come to every even is a lot. We want them there, but forget that sometimes things just can't get planned for everyone to show, especially with 4 kids! My FSIL has eight bridesmaids. From all over the world (Korea, England, USA-4 states). They're all trying to co-ordinate a weekend for bachelorette that we can all get together. It's impossible. The ones from overseas can't get this or that weekend off, but the ones here can't do this....it's SERIOUSLY high expectations.

If she said she'll be there, give her the benefit of the doubt, and if she's not, she's not. It's not going to ruin your....