Future Mrs. B
Devoted August 2020

i need advice

Future Mrs. B, on August 28, 2019 at 8:14 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 10
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FH and I have been dating for 6 years his August. We got engaged on July 4th, 2017. We had originally booked a venue but ended up canceling it as FH decided he had anxiety and commitment issues and did not want to get married. He also mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to have kids. He is about to turn 30 and I am about to turn 26. We have been living together since 2016.

We went to therapy and got to a place where we were okay again, but the topic of marriage remained a taboo subject. Two years later, people are, of course, asking relentlessly when we were going to get married. Not wanting to divulge my personal issues, I always answered with a quick and dismissing “oh, I don’t know.”

II have been patient and supportive of his feelings up until two weeks ago when I got a lecture from my DENTIST. I feel like that was the line and I started pushing the matter of getting married again. This inevitably triggered his anxiety and I don’t know what to do any longer.

I thought his anxiety was driven by the financial aspect of having a wedding so I have offered to front the entire bill for the wedding, I avoided talking about the wedding for a year and a half, and I accepted how II was being treated. I feel like I am at a fork in the road and I don’t know what to do. Our relationship is extremely great. He takes very good care of me and is truly my best friend, which is so rare to find especially nowadays.

I feel like I gave the metaphorical milk away, so is it worth moving out and ending our relationship when it obviously has very little chance to go any further. Is getting married grounds for losing your best friend?

I feel like I just want to get married at this point to be able to tell all the wondering eyes that were married. I feel like this whole experience has been RUINED so what’s the point? This is all so disappointing. I don’t understand what the big deal is.

Can you give me a strangers opinion on my situation?

10 Comments

Latest activity by Cher Horowitz, on August 29, 2019 at 2:29 PM
  • M
    Beginner April 2020
    Mrsalzo ·
    • Flag

    Hi, my heart goes out to you as this is a hard place to be. I think you have to sit down and be honest with yourself about what you want and why as well as your 'uncompromisables'. Let me ask you this, your fiance does not want a wedding or he does not want to get married at all? If it's the wedding aspect as in he doesn't want to go through planning a whole wedding, then maybe you could compromise and do something really small that would make you happy also. If he does not want to get married then you need to know why. Is it because he thinks it's just a piece of paper and he doesn't need it to confirm his commitment to you through marriage? As you said, you guys are very happy together without the piece of paper and maybe him proposing to you in the first place is all the commitment that he thinks you need. I'm happy you've found your best friend and I'd hate to see you leave because you think your relationship cannot go any further because you're not married. As for the kids thing, that's a tough one especially if you do want kids and he ends up not changing his mind about not wanting kids. You have to decide if you're okay with that reality. Don't worry about societal expectations of this and that. At the end of the day, it's your life and you get to choose what you want it to be. Those people will never walk a day in your shoes.

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  • Sara
    Dedicated August 2020
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    Honestly if you just want to get married to shut people up, give em the finger and tell them it's none of their business lol. Marriage shouldn't be a battle ground. If your relationship is great and hes comfortable with that amount of commitment why push it any further? If it doesnt make sense financially or you're already living together, it might be best to leave it there. Maybe have a unofficial commitment ceremony. That way you can say you're "married" which is seems like you basically are. Now having kids is a different story, if your set on kids and hes dead set on not having any, that's a serious thing you need to consider. 6 years may seem like a long time but go with the flow maybe when he hits 30 hell rethink it. My FH proposed because we wanted to be married before we moved states, it only made sense to do the whole marriage thing. Otherwise we would've just been happy skipping the whole marriage thing and staying the way we are. We also are planning on kids fairly soon and it just made sense that we all have the same last name. Just food for thought. Maybe just talk it over with him every once in a while to see how hes feeling. Anxiety can be a hard rock to get over. Best of luck!! ❤
    • Reply
  • LaLa
    Devoted October 2019
    LaLa ·
    • Flag

    Sorry you are going through this, the situation sounds really tough. My FH and I have been together for 6 years as well. I'm one of those people that wouldn't care if we ever got married or not. I honestly thought we never would. What would have been so different? Nothing really, besides the fact that we file taxes together now, and we'd both have to spend money if we break up lol. My FH went on and on about how he didn't want to get married for like 3 years, but here we are getting married in October. We broke up and got back together and I told him at that point that I wanted to wait at least 5 years of being together before marriage.

    In my opinion, 30 is still pretty young for a guy depending on his maturity level. However, if he's acting that sketchy about it to the point you can't even mention the word wedding in his presence for a year, that sounds like a red flag. If he doesn't want kids, and you do, that could be a deal breaker as well. It doesn't sound like he's ready for the married with kids life yet. The fact he cancelled when you had a date set also sounds like a red flag. You could wait around for him to be ready, or you could risk it and move on. The grass isn't always greener, but at the same time there needs to be compromise. It's not only about his feelings. If he wants to be with you, and this is important to you he should at least consider it, or give you some sort of timeframe. Not avoid the topic altogether and make you feel bad. I can understand the anxiety, I have anxiety as well, but I'm pushing that aside to be with the one I love.

    It is hard to find someone in this day and age so don't give up a good guy because he's not ready, but don't sell yourself short either. Listen to your gut instincts. This is definitely not a black and white issue, and will take a lot of consideration. Best wishes to you.

    • Reply
  • Mrs. S
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. S ·
    • Flag
    If you want kids and he doesn’t, he’s not going to change. Better to start over at 26 than wait longer for it not to work out and start over when you’re older. I’m 29 and I’ve started over several times and I’m much better and happier for it.
    • Reply
  • Jeanie
    Super February 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag

    Sounds like you need to get on the same page. First off, there shouldn't be any subject that's too taboo in any relationship to discuss. If it's important to one person, the other should at least be able to have some kind of conversation about it. That point alone makes me wonder how much he values your opinions and feelings. He's not really treating you well if he can't talk to you about things that mean the most to you. Secondly, if you want marriage and children, you need to speak up and tell him how important that is to you. Either he's going to feel the same way or he's not. You will never be able to change that. Offering to pay for the wedding yourself makes no sense. If you were married, your finances would be combined to at least some degree. And by saying that you'll cover all costs, it sounds like a bribe, which I'm sure is not what you're intending. While your dentist should probably have minded his own business, if talking about marriage makes your boyfriend have panic attacks, I think his answer of what he wants is pretty clear. It's just a matter of you seeing and accepting it for yourself. It's never too late to start over. To me, it sounds like you deserve better. If he is unable to provide you with the relationship you want, it's time to walk away and find your true happiness. The fact that you're asking probably means you already know this. I am very sorry you're going through this. I know how hard it is to face starting over.

    • Reply
  • Cheryl
    Expert November 2020
    Cheryl ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Love this. I always say I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person.
    • Reply
  • Nemo
    Master August 2018
    Nemo ·
    • Flag

    Do you want to be married? If you want to be married and not just in a committed relationship, it sounds like some hard conversations and decisions need to be made. Personally, I would not be content with a committed relationship as I view marriage as a covenant and something that is sacred. I also wouldn't feel comfortable being in a committed relationship with someone who had commitment issues because that makes it seem (to me) like they are avoiding marriage so they have an easy way out if they wanted it.

    Do you want children? If you want children and he doesn't, one of you will end up resenting the other.

    • Reply
  • Ivy ORP
    VIP October 2019
    Ivy ORP ·
    • Flag

    I truly feel for you and your situation. I think it really comes down to what you want in your life. How important is being married vs having a committed relationship with him? You mentioned that he does not want kids, do you? How important is that? We can be with someone who is amazing but is not right for us. I was with someone I thought I would marry, and at the time we wanted the same things. But our lives evolved and as much as I thought it would kill me at the time, it ended. Now I am so grateful that he was able to end it, even if I wasn't happy with the way it ended. I am happier now than I have ever been and realize that some of the things I had felt were fine, were actually holding me back. This isn't to say that you should leave him, it is your decision alone. But is he holding you down, or holding you back?

    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes!
    When one person wants children and other doesn't or doesn't know...
    Not good.
    • Reply
  • Cher Horowitz
    Master December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree 100%. It's so much better to be single than in a relationship that makes you doubt yourself Smiley heart

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