I do not want my mother's boyfriend at my wedding

Here's the thing...

Your mom is past listening to reason. You and your sister have both tried to talk to her. So at this point, if you don't invite him and she doesn't come, you have the right idea saying that's her loss. Because it is. As a mom, I rarely do things to make my daughter uncomfortable (aside from the occasional teasing, but that's my job as a mom). If my daughter had an issue with a boyfriend, he didn't stick around.

Your mom is being selfish, and if you understand she may not come to your wedding, don't invite him. And be firm. He sounds like a total perv, and I wouldn't want him there either. I wouldn't try Kari's letter. It makes it sound like you're willing to change for the bf, which you definitely don't need to do.

@Nas it's not uncommon to only do married couples for formal photos! We did most of ours that way, but I did include my siblings SOs in a couple (but they aren't creepy and I do love them, so it's a little different).

I agree with the not having moms bf there. If your spider senses are going off- do not let him go. If your mom chooses him .. then oh well. You know where you stand. Hang in there- only 2 months til you can move

I don't completely care for my mom's husband ... he's grumpy and says rude things (and doesn't know it) .... and he exudes unhappiness... that being said he actually is deep down somewhere a good person .. and my mother loves him ... talk to her about him being inappropriate.. let her make the decision... invite him just ignore him

I am so sorry you have to deal with this situation. I totally agree with bemyguest and would like to add that you can ask your photographer for help. While I don't have a situation like yours, our photo plan may work for you. We are doing a first look and then photos with the bridal party only (SOs are not going to be in attendance). This is typical of weddings I have been to, and I have been the SO who hangs out with the other wives/GFs while the wedding party is taking photos. Can you let your photographer know that you would prefer NO photos with Sleezeball? This way they can minimize your interaction if he does come?

ETA: Amanda, I think there's a difference between not caring for someone and someone who says or does creepy things. I might invite him to keep the peace and keep at several arms' lengths the whole time, but I think she is totally within her rights to not invite him at all. For I were her, I wouldn't want to give him the opportunity to go from creeping to sexual assault.

"This is the one day that is completely centered around celebrating my fiance and I. I don't know if it's childish to say but, it's my wedding, my day. I'm tired of not having what I want because I'm trying to please my parents or because I put what they think and feel first."

It's not that it's childish. It's that it's not true. The ceremony is about celebrating you guys, but the reception is supposed to be for the guests and your mom's boyfriend isn't a plus one. Plus ones are random dates. Every single person in a relationship should be invited together.

Granted, this particular case is a little out of the norm because you feel uncomfortable with him (for valid reasons), but honestly, even that doesn't sound completely sincere. Why is it that if your mom pays for him, suddenly it's okay if he comes? That totally negates your argument that the reason you don't want to invite him is he makes you uncomfortable. It sounds like you could live with his sleaziness at your wedding, but you don't want to invite him because you don't want to pay for him.

This all sounds waaaay deeper than can be handled on a forum. I have a feeling there's a lot we don't know here.

You have a strained relationship with your mother, it sounds like she drinks and your mother's BF makes you so uncomfortable that you don't want him at your wedding. My first question would be why are you and your fiancé are living with her?

Sorry @Elizabeth - sometimes etiquette rules don't apply.

Sounds like you need to get out of that house ASAP, get some counseling, and then have an honest conversation with your mother (perhaps in a counseling setting). You can't control how she will react, that's on her. But don't do something you will regret because your are anticipating a bad reaction and you don't want to deal with the fall out.

"Sorry @Elizabeth - sometimes etiquette rules don't apply. "

Of course, but it makes no sense that the OP is uncomfortable with the boyfriend attending if she pays, but would be willing to let the boyfriend attend if her mother pays. That just isn't logical.

@elizabeth she already stated she wouldn't be doing that as it doesn't solve the situation. It was a suggestion by a friend. If he is being inappropriate toward her she does not have to invite him.

If people have been dating for more than a year, they are definitely part of a relationship and not just a plus one. As others have said you can definitely exclude him from pictures, but unless he moves from creepy to actually harmful I don't know that there's any gracious way to not allow him. Unless you want to also not invite you mom. Your mom is putting you in a really tough spot and it's a really shitty thing for her to do, continuing to date someone who completely creeps out her daughters. Can you have some one assigned to keep an eye on him throughout the wedding and kick him out if he's creeping out wedding guests or misbehaving somehow?

@Amanda we are moving out of state in two months so I guess I'll just push the conversation off until right before we go

@firstoneat56 aha you're right there about there being a lot more to the story. We live here now because my old housemates went behind the backs of me and my roommate and renewed the lease without us. The area we were living in was expensive so my roommate moved out of state and I couldn't afford to live out there by myself and I had no where else to go except my mom's. And a series of back to back annoying mishaps have lead to me still living here. Extremely unfortunate. My fianceé ended up moving in because she was living with her mom (she's 19..please don't judge) and her mom is abusive so I moved her in with me. Aha yea it's all drama and we definitely need some sort of counseling as you said. Unfortunately, I have tried that with my mother. She yelled at my therapist and left lol. Not so productive.

@Stephanie I really don't want to Invite someone that I have to assign someone to watch a guest I didn't even want to be there in the first place. I don't want him in a single one of my pictures and I know my mom will want him in some. The thought actually makes my stomach turn. I'm not uninviting my mom. We may not have a relatioship but it IS my wedding and she should be there.

My situation is kind of different. I'm not inviting my mother. Or her husband. He was sexually abusing me and I even came out to my mother and told her this. What happened? She told me it was my fault that it happened. I've lost respect for my mother and felt very betrayed. If you are seriously that uncomfortable, you may need to just not invite either of them, which will definitely cause hurt feelings, and most likely may end relationships. You always invite couples. They are a social unit. Again, my situation was very different, so I could be looking at this completely the wrong way, and if I am, then don't listen to me and my nonsense lol.

As icky as it is, he kinda has to be invited. Maybe he'll be gone by then?? Is that a terrible thing to hope for?

Here's the silver lining; his ickiness does not reflect on you. If reflects on your mom.

We have a similar situation with FH's mother and her bf. The bf is our age (half the moms age) and is just a free loader and creep. FH has let his feelings known about him, and we don't stay at their place when we visit. Unfortunately, they've been together for years and will probably be together when we get married. FH refuses to invite him but I know we will, but we will not let him be in any important photos because they aren't married. We still have a while to hope they break up tho.

I'm going to be the odd man out, and say....ick. No way would I have him there, etiquette shmetiquette, John Laroquette. But living with them won't help make your case look better when the day comes. Is there nowhere else you can stay temporarily until your move? No offense, but it will make you look like dicks if you stay with them another two months and then not invite them as a unit.

@Jay no we really dont have anywhere else to go unfortunately. We can't move out anywhere around here, it's too expensive. Which is why we are having to move out of state

You must live in Nashville then....all of a sudden we're the cool kids. I'd look for short term rentals or efficiencies....anything is better.

Don't invite the creep, it's your day, there shouldn't be any drama for you or stress.

I don't get it. What do these women see in these creepy guys???