I do not want my mother's boyfriend at my wedding

Can I ask why he creeps you out? I'm not sure how making him and your mum pay for their dinner solves this (for goodness sake don't do this!)

@Natalie he creeps us out because we will just sit there and stare at us while we are in the kitchen (unfortunately we are currently living at my mom's until August and he is ALWAYS there). I've caught him staring at my boobs. He's watched me as I've walked out of the bathroom after a shower (I no longer shower with him in the house) He's made weird comments to my fianceé that proves he's either really really creepy or he's too dense to realize how sexual his comments are. I don't think it's the latter considering he's talked about his sex life with my mom in front of us. And just everything about his demeanor is unsettling. The compromise of having my mom pay for him since I won't was proposed by a friend. I guess just to appease her and say the only way he could come is if she paid for him. But I don't like that idea anymore because you're right, it doesn't solve anything.

Have you told your mum about his perving on you?

I'm in a similar situation. Only difference is my mom and her boyfriend know how I feel. Her boyfriend is not allowed in my house and knows he won't be invited to my wedding. If he decides to show up he will spend the day outside of the venue.

@Natalie if I did it would cause a massive fight and she wouldn't believe me. Her "king" (bleh) can do no wrong in her eyes.

Ick. At least your wedding is still over a year away. Let's hope their relationship ends before then.

On mothers day I casually mentioned how we weren't going to allow guests to bring a plus one in order to keep the guest list low. She said "Except for us right" and I very awkwardly and nervously said no. She question me about it and said "Well who knows I could be remarried by then" She was drunk, drunk enough where she didn't remember the exchange, so I'm going to have to have the conversation over again. Even if they are engaged or married it doesn't really change anything for me...

@Nas ugh I'm glad I'm not alone

Ashely,

How long has your mom been dating this boyfriend? Is it a recent relationship? It may be possible that he will not be in your mom's life next year, especially if she learns how creepy his behavior has been toward you at home. How old is your mom & boyfriend? I'm just curious because it sounds as if your mother is quite young going by the fact that she's chosen this guy and hasn't discovered yet his bad behavior leads me to believe she's in the bloom of an early relationship or on a rebound. Sorry if that sounds assuming. Just asking for a fuller picture to give better feedback.

May I ask how old you and your FH are? How much longer do you have to live at her house? Is it possible to move soon? That sounds like a better solution to your current situation.

You should send wedding invites out 6-8 weeks before your wedding date depending on when your final counts are due. It may be that you don't have to worry about inviting him until next March. By then Mom's creepy bf maybe out of the picture so you don't have to worry about it.

If dude is still around next March then you have to make a decision: 1st choice--delete him from the invite list and risk hurting your mom and your relationship with her for a long time, possible forever if she marries him (Hope not!)

2nd choice--your friend gave you bad wedding advice, you can NEVER, ever ask a wedding guest to pay for their meal. It's considered incredibly rude and people will find out about it no matter how quiet you try to keep it and people WILL talk. Words like 'cheap', 'rude' and 'thoughless' will be tossed around by your guests. You don't want to be known as the "rude & cheap" bride for months or years after your wedding. Live in a small town? It's a given it will be talked about.

3rd choice: if by March he's still in the picture, invite him and pay for the meal, (properly host all your guests equally.) Ask yourself is the hill you want to die on out of all of the stressful wedding decisions you'll make in the coming year? In the scheme of it all it may not be worth the battle and easier to invite him. Yes, his behavior is inexcusable but speak to your mom--she should be made aware of his behavior--and move into your own place with FH ASAP. Good luck! ETA, I just reread and saw you're moving out in August, yay!

We had a similar situation with DH's mom's BF. He is a total creep, we didn't want him there, and the way they met was that she cheated on DH's dad with him so.... that should tell you enough about his character. He is also 50 years old, unemployed, and living off/with his elderly parents and he has been physically abusive towards DH's mom in the past. She was also single until she learned her ex husband was bringing his longtime serious girlfriend as his date. Then all of a sudden she had a boyfriend and insisted he come. She pitched a fit, said she wouldn't come if she wasn't allowed to bring him because DH's dad was going to bring his longtime girlfriend and she deserves a date too. DH caved despite my objections and allowed this guy to attend our wedding. He ended up doing coke in the bathroom and freaked out my cousin. This cokehead is in so many of our reception photos, and to top it off, they aren't even together anymore. I wish I had pushed harder to ban this creep from our wedding!

@Nas, what if you tell people (i.e. family members) ahead of time only married couples within the family will be in the formal photos? That's what we did. It saved us from having any family photos with that guy and DH's sisters creepy boyfriend from being in our photos. No one objected, or at least they didn't cause a scene. It's a reasonable and, from what I understand, common request.

@Kari my mom is 53 and I'm not sure about his age. She knows we all don't like him and I haven't gone into detail because I know it won't matter. My younger sister has said he makes her uncomfortable but my mom just got mad at her. They have been together for over a year...possinly even two years so there is a chance that he will still he around by next year. I know it would hurt my mom if I didn't invite him, and that sucks, but I've never really been celebrated by my family before. This is the one day that is completely centered around celebrating my fiance and I. I don't know if it's childish to say but, it's my wedding, my day. I'm tired of not having what I want because I'm trying to please my parents or because I put what they think and feel first. My mother and I have never had a good relationship. Part of me feels like she will pull the "if he can't come, I won't come" card. If she does honestly I still won't budge. If she is willing to miss her daughter's wedding for some guy none of us like...then it's her loss. If it damages our relationship I'm not really losing much.

@OP, if that's how you feel and you feel like you won't be losing much since you already have a strained relationship with her, just don't let him come. DH didn't want to completely cut ties with his mom and he is a softy at heart so that's why he caved in to her demands.

It seems your mom has already made her choice since you and your sister have both come forward with your concerns about this guy and her reaction was to get angry with you.

@Amanda oh my gosh I'm so sorry to hear that! That sounds so frustrating!!

Yes I was so pissed when I found out! Luckily it was after the wedding, if someone had told me he did that during the wedding I would have flipped and kicked that fool out!

Oh that's definitely good. At least it didn't derail anything. I would flip my lid.

' If she is willing to miss her daughter's wedding for some guy none of us like...then it's her loss. If it damages our relationship I'm not really losing much.'

Indeed.

I do have one concern though, where will you live once you let her know he is not welcome at your wedding? I would imagine living there will be even more stressful after she learns this, and she may not allow you to stay there. Is there a way you can move out beforehand or another place you could stay?

@Nas, definitely agree with you, hopefully OP's mom will learn of the bf's inexcusable behavior, come to her senses and kick him to the curb.

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with that situation with your mom. It's hard to watch loved ones make dumb choices and then watch them stick with them (for 7 years? I hope your mom will come to her sense soon too!)

I made a very stupid choice in a bf once and then I kept being dumb for many years--I'm embarrassed about how many years it actually was. But something finally knocked some sense into my head and I dumped my lazy, non-working, sorry excuse-for-a-man ex-bf and then later met my now H.

Hey! You picked an awesome wedding date, Date Twin!

Ashley,

Goodness! I thought your mom was going to be younger than me but she's not. (Which kinda makes me feel good, lol)

I understand your situation better now, thanks for filling me in. His behavior is definitely wrong if he's making you and your sister feel uncomfortable. You said your sister has mentioned this to your mom and she just got mad? That's not encouraging. This is my best suggestion: write her a letter and try an offensive position instead of one that will make her defensive. [be prepared--sugary, subtle manipulation ahead]

Begin the letter as..."Dear mom, I want you to know I love you and care about you so I feel I need to tell you what's been happening in the house recently that has concerned me, FS, and little sister. I'm letting you know these things because I care about you and I know you care about me & sis, I know you wouldn't want us to feel bad about ourselves or uncomfortable in the home we all share. I know BF is important to you but I want you to know, mom, YOU are very important to me and I'm telling you these things because I want to see you happy and with the best person possible for you, just as you want to see me happy with the best possible person for me (FS). Our wedding isn't until next June and FS and I'll be moving out in August, I'm hoping we can have a wonderful year planing the wedding, it will be the biggest, most important day of my life so far and I'm so happy to be sharing it with you.

"That said, I haven't had the best relationship with (bf's name) recently and both FS and I would like to work on that. Once FS are out of the house I'm sure things will be better for all of us but in the meantime and looking forward to the wedding, can you talk to bf? I just haven't felt comfortable around him and I'm not sure why that is. Is there something I or FS could do differently? [[note: playing offense instead of making accusations which would make mom feel defensive]] FS and I both want to have a harmonious home in the coming months and a better ongoing relationship with you and BF. We want to work on trying to make a happier home life for us all. Can you talk to BF and ask him not to do, A, B, or C? Im not sure if I misunderstood what he said/did but at the time it made me feel a little weird [[ weird might be a better word than uncomfortable here to diffuse her perceived conceptions]]...."I think once we're all on the same page, that we all want to treat each other with respect as we live together, everyone will be happier here together. FS and I are looking forward to our big day and want everyone to get along and have a great time. I'm so excited, everyone being there will make me feel so loved and cared for." [[where you, Ashley get to shine!]]

If that sounds too sugary--I was aiming for no drama which can happen when accusations start getting flung. You might see a more accepting side of your mom if you try this kumbaya approach. I know a glossing-it-all over, sugary letter may not be your thing. I phrased it that way to hopefully help you, & FS get through the next few months and hopefully get your mom to think about a few things.

That said, feeling uncomfortable in your own home, subjected by a creepy guy is not a good situation. Please make detailed notes of all the dates of instances when BF did something/said something that was unnerving, sexual, uncomfortable, and wrong. If things continue in a downward spiral at home, present that list to your mom, let her know what's been going on in her own home and tell her because of BF's behavior he will not be invited to your wedding. After all, it's the day where you get to shine and you don't need creepy BF there to upset it.

Whew! What a novel. Hope some of it helps!