Hi,
I don't know what to do. I am 33 years old and engaged to my best friend and the love of my life. I do not deserve him - he is so far out of my league it's insane. He is the only person who has ever made me feel worth anything at all. I have grown so much through his love and I have made baby steps towards loving myself for the first time in my life. But, despite this progress, I am making myself sick and depressed with worry over our wedding photography.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but the photography is making me dread our wedding so much that I wish we could forgo a ceremony entirely (we cannot - he is Catholic and we must have our ceremony done in the church, which I am 100% on board with). I was over the moon when he proposed, but depression and anxiety have robbed me of my joy. I am incredibly ugly and have been told so my entire life, by many different people, even strangers who went out of their way to comment on my ugly face. In the past I considered ending my life because of how hideous I am and believing that the world would be more beautiful without me in it. I sometimes think I look maybe OK in the mirror, but I look absolutely deformed in photos, my face is extremely asymmetrical and it looks like I have had a stroke or something. I have spent my life avoiding the camera as much as possible, to the point that there are basically no photos of me past elementary school. I have faked sick to get out of events where I know a camera will be present.
For once in my life, I want to be able to take a nice picture. I want to be one of those couples who has a canvas in the living room from our wedding day. But I know I am going to be the world's ugliest bride and I can't come to terms with it. I have prayed to God that even if I never feel beautiful another day in my life, I just want this one day where I could truly feel it. But my hopes are low. My depression since getting engaged has gotten so bad and I know it's because of the photos. I try on dresses next month and I am dreading it so much that I can barely sleep at night, because I know I will never feel like the magical princess women are supposed to feel like as a bride.
I tried therapy before for my self image but it didn't work. I am trying another counselor tomorrow just because I am desperate and I want this day to be magical. But again, my hopes are very low. I don't want my fiance to be sad or disappointed. He has put up with so much when it comes to my low self image and my mental health.
I am crying my eyes out writing this because I have no idea what to do. I don't want it to feel like this, I just want to be happy and excited and to feel beautiful for once.
