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Jai
VIP May 2020

Husband with alcohol problem

Jai, on May 2, 2021 at 7:07 PM Posted in Married Life 0 44
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I've made several posts about this topic and I feel like on here I can vent, get sound feedback, and not be judged. Last night I hit my breaking point. My husband went out to a bar with his friend; I was fine with that, he came home around 1am and communicated perfectly. When he comes in, I see he doesn't look good. He looks sick. He lays on our bedroom floor, crawls to our bathroom, then throws up in our trashcan. I take care of him; get him water, Gatorade, throw out the trash bag and give him mouthwash. I decided this morning to talk to him. He tells me he had 7 beers in 2.5 hours last night, drove home (supposedly fine), and had 2 beers before leaving for the bar at our home, so 9 beers total. I told him that his drinking made him sick. He swears something else made him sick. He apologized and said he would drink less in social situations. What upsets me, is that every time he goes out with a friend socially he comes home drunk. At home he doesn't drink much but in social settings he's the life of the party. I don't know what to do anymore. I've contemplated leaving. We are in couples therapy. He swears he doesn't have a drinking problem and when I talk to him about it he becomes upset. I'm starting to believe that his drinking will destroy our marriage. I'm at the point where I'm even unsure if anything will fix it at this point. It'll be one year May 16 2021.

44 Comments

Latest activity by Jai, on May 3, 2021 at 9:47 AM
  • W
    VIP September 2020
    Willow ·
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    I'd leave. I don't know how he was within legal limits if he drove after having 7 beers in 2.5 hours. You can only burn off so much alcohol in at a time. If he wasn't feeling drunk, he's done so much damage to his body that he can't even feel it. Also, that's one beer every 22 minutes. Who drinks that fast?


    He is in denial and gets defensive. You don't need couples counseling. He needs substance abuse treatment. It's one think to be a drunk partier, he thinks it's ok to drive while clearly intoxicated. He is irresponsible and could have killed someone. That would be a deal breaker for me.
    I am sorry.
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    I understand you’re frustrated and yes obviously he is unable to admit that he was sick because it was drinking. Obviously it was because of drinking, but you’re a married couple now. Through sickness and in health. It’s unfortunate that your husband is unable to see his problem, but I don’t think you should throw in the towel just yet. He said that he apologized to you and said he won’t get like that any longer. So he’s not in total denial, it just sounds more like he can’t control himself once he’s out. I think the first most important step would be for you to take his keys from him and demand that he gets an Uber if he wants to go out. I think I’m driving drunk is the biggest issue here. The next biggest issue to try to tackle is why he doesn’t know his own limits. He needs to establish his own ground rules with himself. Have you discussed any of this in counseling? And don’t get me wrong, you are definitely not in the wrong at all here! I just really think it would be a shame if you threw in the towel for something that seems like he isn’t in total denial about and understands that he messed up.
  • M
    VIP October 2021
    Monica ·
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    Sheesh 9 beers total. Sorry hun thats a lot to deal with. If he can’t control how much he drinks while hes out then he needs to not drink at all. If he cant control it then he needs to not go out at all until he can find some kind of balance. This would drive me crazy. I hope counseling works for both if you.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    He had a DUI before I met him at 21. The problem just gets worse. I appreciate your feedback! The support is nice
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I can only take so much "sickness" and I don't count being a drunk as a "sickness ". I've been dealing with him being a drunk for almost 4 years. I'm worn out. We have discussed this in counseling but he denies anything is wrong and think the therapist and I bash him. So there's only so much I can do. I won't give up yet, but If this doesn't stop I will have to do what's best for me.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    It drives me insane. It's stressful because half the time I'm so unsure of what's gonna happen when he walks through the door after drinking
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    Unfortunately, people will only get help for a problem if they want to so even if you’re in couples counseling and trying to talk to him about it, he isn’t going to change this pattern of behavior unless he sees it as a problem and acknowledges a need for help. The best thing you can do right now if possible would be to let him know that you’re going to be staying somewhere else for a while- do you have any friends or relatives you could stay with? Let him know that while you love him and want to remain married to him, you can no longer continue to enable his pattern of drinking in excess.
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    You can’t control his drinking. He will drink if he chooses to, and there is nothing you can do to make him change. All you can do is control what you do with that.
    Picture your life in 5, 10 , 15 years. This is the first year of marriage, the honeymoon phase. It may escalate to more than binging at social events, but even if it doesn’t, it can still wreck havoc.
    Groups like Alanon can help you decide how your want your life to look, with time. I would suggest that you consider separating finances as much as possible so that your assets can’t be seized if he causes a disaster, or death, while driving. Take him off your car insurance and from your car ownership - he needs his own car and insurance. The next time he drives drunk he could get in an accident that could wipe you out financially. You may never recover from that.
  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    Absolutely. I mean if this has been going on for that long then yeah you need to do what’s best for you. I was just under the impression that it wasn’t for that long because you said you will only be married for a year, so I didn’t realize you both were in counseling before marriage as well and all of the stuff was going on. If he’s not willing to change, then he’s not willing to make the marriage work.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    My therapist recommended I stay somewhere else too. My parents live 30 min away but I don't get along with my mom. My other friend lives in NC. So, I'm kinda stuck. I can always visit my friend in NC for a week to get away. I agree, if he doesn't acknowledge there's a problem then it won't get solved
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    My therapist did recommend Alanon to me. And we have separate finances fortunately, we only have a joint savings. And he's not on my car insurance either thankfully. And thank you, I do need to visualize my life in 5, 10, 15 years from now. Because the past 4 years have been rough, idk if I can do another 4 more.
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    No one deserves to live like that. And I don’t think you should have to spend the rest of your life worried about what will happen in your own home.
  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    This 100%! If he doesn’t actively seek help for this from a professional and continues the cycle, it’s only going to get worse, not better.

    What you described with him doing something harmful (to himself and others) with no regard for safety, apologizes, and then goes out and does it again, is classic behavior of domestic abuse, which includes narcissism, which can take any form and combination: physical, emotional, financial, narcissistic denial of his actions, etc. Again this behavior will not stop until HE alone makes the choice to quit. No couples therapy or wanting him to improve because you love him and hope for the best will do anything to solve the issue. From your description, it sounds like he has no interest. You will be safer and happier away from this environment which you need to do ASAP.

  • Samantha
    VIP October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    You don’t need to. It’s hard, no one wants to give up on something. But there is no prize for staying married to someone who actively damages your life. What would you tell your sister, a friend, a daughter? That being married means facing a life with a sword hanging over your head? You deserve better.
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    I'd have to agree with this advice as well. I'd leave. I'm sorry

  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I agree and thank you for your advice
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I'm starting to see that it may have to be an option because couples therapy wont fix his drinking. It is draining .
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I would definitely tell another to remember that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior
  • Emily
    Devoted June 2021
    Emily ·
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    One of my boyfriends from college and beyond (who I thought I would marry) was an alcoholic. He thought he did not have a problem, but I knew otherwise. It didn’t hit me until we lived together and he would go through 1/2 a handle of vodka a NIGHT. We had numerous talks about it but he didn’t think he had a problem. Well, finally I couldn’t do it anymore because he became verbally abusive when he drank and I knew I didn’t want a life like that. I gave him an ultimatum- stop drinking or I’ll leave and he didn’t choose me. So I left. Best decision of my entire life. I’m currently married to someone 9,000 better to me than Michael was.


    If you’re not happy, and he isn’t responding to talking about the issue, or welcoming suggestions or help, you probably cannot help him. I know that’s so hard to hear but it needs to come from HIM. Also, drinking and driving after 9 beers is insane and it’s a matter of time before he either gets a DUI, or worse, kills someone. I would have a hard time with that- for his safety and everyone else.
    Good luck with everything, girl. I’m really sorry you have to go through this, but it will make you stronger! ❤️
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Funny thing is, his name is Michael too. And I know if I gave him that decision he wouldn't choose me. I would hope he would, but I don't think so. It's crazy how similar our experiences are . It sucks you went through that. U can relate to my situation a lot. When we moved in together I was able to see more of the problem

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