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Jai
VIP May 2020

Husband with alcohol problem

Jai, on May 2, 2021 at 7:07 PM

Posted in Married Life 44

I've made several posts about this topic and I feel like on here I can vent, get sound feedback, and not be judged. Last night I hit my breaking point. My husband went out to a bar with his friend; I was fine with that, he came home around 1am and communicated perfectly. When he comes in, I see he...
I've made several posts about this topic and I feel like on here I can vent, get sound feedback, and not be judged. Last night I hit my breaking point. My husband went out to a bar with his friend; I was fine with that, he came home around 1am and communicated perfectly. When he comes in, I see he doesn't look good. He looks sick. He lays on our bedroom floor, crawls to our bathroom, then throws up in our trashcan. I take care of him; get him water, Gatorade, throw out the trash bag and give him mouthwash. I decided this morning to talk to him. He tells me he had 7 beers in 2.5 hours last night, drove home (supposedly fine), and had 2 beers before leaving for the bar at our home, so 9 beers total. I told him that his drinking made him sick. He swears something else made him sick. He apologized and said he would drink less in social situations. What upsets me, is that every time he goes out with a friend socially he comes home drunk. At home he doesn't drink much but in social settings he's the life of the party. I don't know what to do anymore. I've contemplated leaving. We are in couples therapy. He swears he doesn't have a drinking problem and when I talk to him about it he becomes upset. I'm starting to believe that his drinking will destroy our marriage. I'm at the point where I'm even unsure if anything will fix it at this point. It'll be one year May 16 2021.
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44 Comments

  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    I feel like this comment says everything you need to know. If he would choose alcohol over you, why are you choosing him over your own happiness?
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I have no idea, honestly
  • Apryl
    Devoted March 2022
    Apryl ·
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    I agree with Samantha.


  • Erin
    Expert May 2021
    Erin ·
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    Then let HIM clean up his mess or video tape him when drunk and show him when sober.. otherwise commit him to a rehab he needs to suck it up and grow up!!! He is married now and needs to think about you and not just his pathetic lazy drunk butt
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
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    My heart really goes out to you. Not pitying in any way, just genuine empathy.

    You sound like someone who just really has reached their breaking point.

    You've tried. You've gone to therapy, and you've stuck it out with him this long. But you sound very tired.

    "In sickness and in health" only goes so far. Being intentionally destructive - which is what he is currently doing - is not sickness.

    It isn't your job to save him. He has to save himself. And unfortunately, until he does, he is hurting you and has the potential to really, really hurt you - if he killed someone driving drunk, the ramifications for you could also be really bad, even though you aren't responsible. Drinking to the point of sickness is one issue, but driving after seven beers... it doesn't matter your tolerance. This is straight up disregard for other peoples' lives.

    Honestly, this is an actual, legitimate reason for an ultimatum. Either he goes to a rehab program, or you leave. And if you genuinely are unsure that he would choose you... that just isn't right. That isn't fair to you. You deserve someone you know would choose you. This is someone you have joined the rest of your life with - you deserve nothing less.

  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Oh, honey.

    So, between ALL of the posts you made about him, my blunt assessment is this: Why are you still with him?

    If you were my friend, I'd be finding you a place to crash, because I don't think you are safe with him. He's so deep in denial about his drinking and his actions, that only real consequences will get through to him. Every time you sigh and clean up after him and stay, he thinks it's really not a problem. Because you're still there. It's enabling, and you do it because you have been there for four years.

    Real talk: from the outside, this is a man who doesn't respect you, makes life decisions that hurt you (his voting, his drinking, etc.), his family is awful to you, and *YOU AREN'T HAPPY*.

    Please, leave for at least a week. Give yourself that break.

  • Grace
    Super February 2022
    Grace ·
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    So sorry you are going through this. I know this could have easily been my fiancé and me if we had met a few years earlier. My fiancé also struggles with alcoholism but the difference is he was forced to confront it as a major issue in his life before we got together. If your husband can't even admit he has a problem then there is no way he is going to change. You cannot 'fix' him or his behavior, he has to want to change for it to happen. You don't deserve someone who chooses to be self destructive rather than building their life with you.
  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    I agree with Rebecca wholeheartedly. Jai, you're a social worker, so I'm sure you know all of this already from an intellectual and training standpoint. It's just a hard pill to swallow when it's your own life and not that of a family you're trying to help. You deserve happiness. You deserve better.
  • Natalie
    Super November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    The video-taping crossed my mind, too. OP has he ever seen a video of himself when he is like this? Could this possibly help him realize and literally see that he does have a problem?
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    You're right it isn't my job to save him. Your post means a lot, because I do deserve someone better who will put me first
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Thanks Rebecca I appreciate your honesty. I stayed so long because I thought it could work and he could change. I'll prob see my friend in NC for a week
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Yes! It's so much harder when it's your family because you don't want to walk away and feel so torn
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I could try because I've never done it
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    This true, I wish he would change for me, even for our marriage
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    If his drinking is a problem for you and the marriage, he has a drinking problem. I have lots of friends like your husband and lots of friends who have been in your situation. I'm so sorry.


    Did he drink this way before you married or is this new? Did you talk about it in counseling?
    I agree with DJ--go back and read your vows and see what you promised. Did you promise in sickness and in health, all the days of your life/til death do you part? This is sickness. This is the bad stuff. I think you should try to work through this with the counselor.
    Making him uber is a great idea. Talking to him about mixing in a water and why he overdoes it. Expressing to him how much it hurts and scares you. Show your concern. And just keep loving harder. No marriage is perfect.
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Being a drunk isn't a sickness. Sickness can be physical or even mental. It isn't choosing alcohol over your spouse. I can love him all I want, but for the past 4 years I've come second to alcohol and I'm tired. I can't work through it with a counselor when he doesn't think he has a problem. He was worse when I met him, and much hasn't changed. He used to find comfort in a bar whenever we had an argument. Now we work through it and he doesn't go to a bar. That's the only thing that has changed. His drinking habits have not.
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    I get that, maybe in good times and in bad is more applicable here. I completely get you're tired of this and maybe you need a break from it if you can't get him to see your side.


    An honest question: why did you marry him when you knew he drank this way?
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    Because I love him and it gradually got worse. Please don't be judgmental because I don't need it. Thanks for your input.
  • Elizabeth
    Super June 2021
    Elizabeth ·
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    I'm not judging, just asking a relevant question
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
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    I didn't walk into my marriage thinking it would fail. I walked into it and knew there would be good times and bad times. But I didn't foresee this. Any woman or man here can say that marriage shows someone's true colors and I didn't think I would be seeing this. I did my best and gave it 100% so please don't question why I married my husband.
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