Husband a groomsman but I’m not invited?

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It's amazing when you fall in love with someone that "just gets it"!

You know the situation best, it sounds like these people are just the prickly type. An old friend from his hometown, a described as crazy ex, not enough wedding etiquette knowledge to know he needs a plus one, even less to respond like that to a "um, what about my wife" text...

If you were going just as a guest, I would say hey, if you have other stuff to do across the country and want a mini vacay and think the wedding will be enjoyable, "i guess she can come", while rude, still is an invite. Might as well go and watch the craziness and drinks some wine.
Since he is a groomsmen, I would be more wary. If this is how the invite is going down, what else will be out of line with this wedding? Are you going to get stuck footing bachelor party bills you didn't agree to upfront? Will getting suits be disorganized and stressful? Are they the sort of people to get frustrated and tell you not to come last minute? You've already sent gifts and they are inviting your husband and not you, that sounds very pointed to me. A pointed non-invite like that should rightfully make you upset, and you and your husband are a unit, they should know that anger will be shared between the two of you. Consider the crazy level of these people and make a decision from there. If it were me, I'd say "nope, honey, this is the cost of attending that wedding, lets take that money and have a nice relaxing weekend vacay. If this is what they think of me, I'm not spending another cent for them". But that's definitely a little salty, I might calm down and change my mind. Give yourself a week to think about it.
Definitely both go if you decide it's worth your time, money and effort. They sound like the sort of people who would have a gossip fest at your expense if he came without you. Good on your hubby for saying he wouldn't go without you upfront!

View Quoted Comment Ew, you're a wife (not a GF or an ex) and the Best Man can't bring his wife? This marriage won't last because first, it's against etiquette and low class to invite only half of a couple, second you can't ask people to respect your commitment when you disrespect theirs. It was mature of you to try to open up communication but I don't think you should grovel. Bride has chosen to force her Groom to damage his friendship with your husband. I don't think you or your Husband should be friends with trash couples any longer. I'm shocked your Husband doesn't see the disrespect to your marriage and his bromance. If I was your husband, I'd send in a full decline and write "maybe at your next wedding". Marrying vengeful and petty never lasts.

View Quoted Comment I agree. With everything. I’ve probably tried too hard to make things right/work. I just foresee a very uncomfortable future if it continues this way. I wanted a no drama, supportive community in them. Clearly that isn’t in the cards for us. I’m dreading this new reality.


My husband can’t stomach the thought of cutting off his “best friend” of 18 years. From my outsider’s perspective for the past 10 of those, my husband has gone through some stages of very much wanting space from this dude. He can be a negative, poop-talking, toxic human (when he’s not being a big bear with a big heart, or so some say… and very good at his job in an industry my husband works in as well, and exceptional at boosting my husband’s ego).
My husband is somehow magically able to compartmentalize the whole situation. He thinks that because this is his longtime friend, he should go and do the wedding without me there. He says he doesn’t care much for the bride, but that doesn’t matter. He’d be there just to support his friend on his friend’s special day. His friend wants him there badly. My husband can’t grasp the idea that being Best Man for a couple represents your support for both of them and their partnership. He can’t understand how them leaving out his own wife shows a lack of respect for him/me/us. “You’re not friends with her, this is her/their day, why is it such a big deal? I’d be going for my friend and my friend alone.”
His logic is making my brain hurt. And my heart has thrown up its hands. This is not a situation I ever wanted or expected. I can’t reframe this in any way for him being in this wedding to make any kind of sense. I’m astounded that my own husband and I hold such differing views on the matter. It feels impossible to say “agree to disagree” regarding a topic that hits… is… so close to home. To him, if he’s not a part of this event, it looks like his wife won’t let him celebrate his best friend on this important day. To me, I see his participation as a big knock to our marriage, on display for everyone to see. I know we wouldn’t be the center of attention at the affair, but surely people would take note. And the bride and groom would probably have a lot of fun talking poop about my husband’s decision later.

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A wedding is supposed to be about both parties. It's an adult shame that the Groom cannot stand up to his Bride. It's an adult shame your Husband lets his friend disrespect his family. Really, you show people how to respect you by what you're willing to allow. I'd rethink what you're willing to allow in your own marriage.

People will ask your Husband where his wife is and it is a poor reflection of all 3 of them.

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Your husband is concerned about his masculinity, but how about his professional reputation? Anyone with manners and of decent upbringing knows you don't split up married couples on an invite, so I think most people would think your Husband disloyal and of questionable judgement by attending without you. Even moreso, the Groom looks like a pushover of bad judgement, and trash manners by allowing this. Let your hubs know his money and rep will be affected because who would do business with someone so shady and disloyal in his marriage. Continue to talk the talk in the community and when people ask why you were left out, give no reason. Let a cloud hang over this couple and their wedding, they don't deserve better.

View Quoted Comment I am so grateful to you for finding this post and responding to me. Your insights have been incredibly helpful.


In our recent discussions, my husband fails to see how attending the function and being IN the wedding demonstrates low class, a lack of respect for our family, and questionable (bad) judgment. To me it’s clear as day. My husband is stuck on this idea that I don’t need to be involved for him to show support for this longstanding friendship, because for him it’s just about his friend and his friend’s special day. He said he doesn’t care about the optics.
I am extremely upset that he isn’t thinking about the whole big picture, about the effect of all this on me and our marriage commitment. I am extremely confused because this poor judgment is not something I expected from him. I almost feel like this is some midlife crisis or something, a last ditch endeavor to hold onto his bro-life (ugh) and act as lone wolf, responsible for just himself and his own connections. He also sees this friendship as very separate from me as they’ve been buds for 18 years, and I’ve been around for 11. He doesn’t want the bride’s poo behavior to impede his friendship/life, so he’s being conflict avoidant and in denial and just floating along with it.
My husband is a social butterfly, and he’s typically very empathetic. He wants everyone to feel included and accepted as they are. This is another reason why I’m so hurt: this is such a profound statement by his “best friend” and the bride of a lack of acceptance/an exclusion of his own wife. I am seeing how my husband’s propensity for socializing is also tied up in some very people-pleasing behavior. This is not how I function (past the age of 20 at least). At the end of the day, I can share all of my opinions and ideas about what my husband should do, but I can’t control him. I don’t know how all of this will shake out. If it continues moving in this direction….. my husband and I will have a major hurdle to scale. UGGGHHH.
I can’t believe I once called this bride a friend. Her emotional capacity seems to be about 2 inches deep. I can’t believe my husband’s friend, once upon a time someone I considered a bro, would allow this. I can’t believe my life partner would be willing to leave his wife home as he stands witness to someone else’s marriage.
Gonna go bury my head in the sand now.